Remembrance Ceremony for brinda

On Saturday night, August 20, at 7pm SLT, there was a memorial service for brinda. It was a truly solemn occassion, presided over by myself, Ling, and Breye. The turnout was great. Some bloggers came like Abernathy Button and Crap Mariner, Angela was there and many others.

We were all there to remember a great one who touched all of our lives. No pictures were taken, but I did take note of what was said that night. I stayed for the entire service.

It was a gathering of family and love. I just want to include some things that were said about her that night. Brinda made us smile. She always gave of herself to others. She was never "exclusive." She was "honorable. balanced.
non-judgemental. wise and true." We remembered how she was understanding and a good listener, but also how she could give us quite a scolding if we said something wrong or got into scrapes. But when she chastised us, we deserved it and we tended to take it well. We knew she did it out of love and honesty. Her love was unselfish and true.

Some of us have fond memories of exploring sims with her, even if she had been to the sim a thousand times before. She always had this appreciation for builders and sim creators and owners. To her, it never got old. She was always amazed and admiring of their skill. Brinda was a big supporter of building and art in SL. A lot of her friends are artists, builders, and musicians.

Learning. Life is a lifelong learning journey. She was always learning new things and she would teach her knowledge to others. It was always exciting and fresh. Being able to spend time with her was an honor...an honor I will never forget.

Where the Great One lies resting, just behind the guest house

Benares from east side

Benares from west side

Looking down on the mesa

Finding a rainbow

View from Porter's in West

Benares Tori Gate between the guesthouse and brinda's shrine

My neighbors at Benares are:
brinda
breye
bubbles
twinkle
kattie
ling
lala
lita
caro
chrissy
felicia
sophie
deni
erityshima
jake
porter
lynn
kain
grimzy
anna
andrea
maxi
kimmie
kymmie
Marianela


Below is a poem a friend sent to me:

People come into your life for a reason, a season or a lifetime.

When you know which one it is, you will know what to do for that
Person..

When someone is in your life for a REASON, it is usually to meet a need
You have expressed.

They have come to assist you through a difficulty, to provide you with
Guidance and support,

To aid you physically, emotionally or spiritually.

They may seem like a godsend and they are.

They are there for the reason you need them to be.

Then, without any wrongdoing on your part or at an inconvenient time,

This person will say or do something to bring the relationship to an
End.

Sometimes they die. Sometimes they walk away.

Sometimes they act up and force you to take a stand.

What we must realize is that our need has been met, our desire
Fulfilled, their work is done.

The prayer you sent up has been answered and now it is time to move on.

Some people come into your life for a SEASON, because your turn has
Come to share, grow or learn.

They bring you an experience of peace or make you laugh.

They may teach you something you have never done.

They usually give you an unbelievable amount of joy..

Believe it, it is real. But only for a season.

LIFETIME relationships teach you lifetime lessons,

Things you must build upon in order to have a solid emotional
Foundation..

Your job is to accept the lesson,

Love the person and put what you have learned to use in all other
Relationships and areas of your life.

It is said that love is blind but friendship is clairvoyant.

Thank you for being a part of my life,

Whether you were a reason, a season or a lifetime.

Home, where the heart will be

Brinda Allen passed away on August 9, 2011. At Benares Saturday 7pmSLT, there will be a memorial service for her. It will be behind the guesthouse by Gin's stone, I believe. I guess people will arrive at the telehub and I could teleport them to the guesthouse.

She will be coming home, in spirit.

In the meantime, I have asked an artist to create a statue for her. It was Ling's idea. It could take 3 weeks, if we agree to let him. He's a great artist and he gets a lot of commissions.

I'll post the temporary grave stone I made later.

Below are pictures of Benares. More will come.

Below, I have posted a song by Roy Orbison. It just makes me want to cry and croon my heart out.





Waiting for a Message

by Rochelle Mass



Trees help you see slices of sky between branches,
point to things you could never reach.
Trees help you watch the growing happen,
watch blossoms burst then dry,
see shade twist to the pace of a sun,
birds tear at unwilling seeds.

Trees take the eye to where it is,
where it was,
then over to distant hills,
faraway to other places and times,
long ago.

A tree is a lens,
a viewfinder, a window.
I wait below
for a message
of what is yet to come.

http://www.spiritoftrees.org/poetry/mass/waiting_message_mass.html

Brinda loved trees and I do too.

Namaste,

Vic

Just passing by this life...

None of us know where our lives will lead us. Life is so hard to withstand oftentimes, but I believe it is a wonderful world.




My friend Alli sent me an IM this AM telling me brinda died in her sleep last night. Her mother located brinda. I only wish I had gotten in touch with Alli sooner. Her mother was a close friend of brinda's.

I hope that brinda was resting peacefully and felt little pain. I wonder what she was thinking about that night. Was her mind in Vanaransi, India? Was she inworld again in her dreams?

Life can be a lonely journey. Brinda understood that and accepted it bravely. She was wise, valiant, and strong-willed. She really lived and experienced life. She found her path at the age of 47. She found her place and family in SL when she was about 64. Her life was beautiful. She leaves behind a legacy of community, love, concern, togetherness, grace, and integrity.

She has loved and been kind to so many in SL. Few people can ever forget her. She is extraordinary, she is magnificent...she is Herself. She befriend newbies and taught them how to get started in SL. I was one such newbie. We all have brinda to thank for giving us a home, an identity, a reason to smile here.

Three of her oldest friends came inworld this morning, Ling, Twinkle, and Lala. Grief really does bring people together. Brinda chose her friends well. She loves them and I love them all too. They are sweet, intelligent, and loyal.

I haven't seen one of her closest friends, Kattie, for about a week. She loved Kattie dearly. Kattie has promised to stay at Benares for as long as she has a few good friends in SL. My heart goes out to Kattie too.

I will miss her so much. There is no one like her in my life. She taught me about life, love, and about myself. She will live on in our minds. Her soul still lives. I can feel her aroud me, can you feel her? She's never gone.

She has given me textures, pictures, scripts, LM's, her words and most importantly...herself. I am honored and proud to consider myself a close friend of hers.

Because of her, I want to learn The Way and be a better person than I am. She knew I would want to pursue it, even if now I am not ready and still afraid. She is like the guru who just "knows", you don't have to speak. It's not like being psychic. It's just being able to "see" into a person's soul. She thought I was perceptive enough to "see" some things and maybe she was right. Only time will tell now.

Her favorite songs:



"Human" always moved her to tears. She looked at those animals and her heart wept for them. She always had so much compassion and love in her. Brinda is love.

And this is one of her later favorites by KT Tunstall. She loved hearing Porter sing it. Thanks, Porter! Keep on singing, girl!




I have decided to make some creations and items in memory of brinda. The profits will go to Benares. I haven't made any definite plans yet, but I will work on it slowly. I want to make brinda proud.

My friends, people who have never met brinda, those who have known her but aren't my friends...know that you are loved. Go out and do good deeds and make at least one person proud of you.

Here's to loving...

Namaste.

Vic

Why it means so much to me....

I guess I've always been an introvert. The world has always seemed like a fascinating place and it still is. Like I feel that childlike wonder when I see a gorgeous Disney movie like 2010's Tangled. Even if they all seem the same, I just love the color and animation in each one. Light and Darkness...just the dichotomy has fascinated me as well. I feel drawn to both of them. We all have a dark side, but most of us choose to stay in the Light. That is how it should be.

Lately, I've come to understand some things. I feel drawn to Buddhism. I've always been curious about Eastern philosophy, mysticism, and Eastern religions. Since brinda, I've come to know more about Buddhism. She once asked me how far I wanted to go into it, I didn't give her a straight answer. And she didn't push. She knew that I wasn't ready and I still am not there yet. But, I have accepted that I am in prison...not a physical prison but a prison build around me by society and by what I've been taught. I feel closed in by what I expect of myself and the reality of what is. There's a disconnect and I can't get free of that. I also am a prisoner of my desires. They prevent me from feeling content and free. You know, always wanting more that we miss the good things in front of us. When I let go, then I can continue the journey.

"Suddenly I see why the hell it means so much to me..."




Another soulful song by KT Tunstall, it calls to me.



Just because I like the video and the lyrics...



Namaste.

Vic

"You Are Enough"

A wise friend told me that at least once. It is friends like that that make me feel so lucky. They appreciate me for how I am. They put up with me and I can feel their caringness. I have made plenty of mistakes and will make more, but it means a lot when you have friends and family behind you, supporting you and encouraging you. Even if they scold me, I know they mean well and they truly care. If I never got negative feedback, then I would know that no one really paid attention or cared a bit. And I know that I am not perfect. I have my rough edges, my fatal flaws, my quirks...or whatever you prefer to call them.

If I have offended you, I am truly sorry. I meant well but sometimes my well-meant attempts come out wrong...foot in mouth I guess. We don't always know what the right thing to do is, but if we do nothing...we'll never really know if it's wrong or right. I find that a lot of times, if you learn and don't ever make a mistake...then you really haven't learned. Experience is one of the best teachers. My actions are motivated by a desire to show my concern. I cannot apologize for how I am, but I can apologize for my actions. I strive to do good. If you can, please be patient with me. And please don't use my age as a card to be used against me. Age has little to do with it. And typecasting, categorizing, stereotyping, profiling...those are just plain wrong.

To all my friends who have been there for me and those who will be there for me for a long time, I dedicate this song to you...the best version of Just The Way You Are.



Thank you a million times over for being there for me, if not in presence then in heart and spirit.

Here's to trying to be good...

Vic

Forgiveness in life

In the past, I've written some angry words on here about people who have hurt me. Some was true, some was a bit distorted. I am ashamed of that. Thankfully, I have let go of it all. I have to let go. Holding on to that is hurting myself and life is hard enough to take already.

There's a prayer I remember that goes something like "Give me the strength to accept that there are things that I cannot change." We have limitations. We blame others for being unhappy. We make conditions like, "If I was smarter, I'd make more money" or anything like that that is something that we never had. We want some feature we weren't programmed with, so to speak.

We all forgive someday. It's comfortable to hold anything. But it's always best to just let go. One tenet of Buddhism I like is that you don't hold on to yesterday. You must live Here and Now.

Here's to trying...

Namaste.

Vic

For the love of Brinda...

Since mid-July I've known about how sick brinda is. It really saddens me and for so long, I kept going and put on a smile and said "we can get through this!" But for a few days now, I've realized that I was kidding myself. I'm not that strong. My heart aches. I long to talk to her about Buddhism or some of her old friends. And there are so many. Here's a post by Soror Nishi. So lately, I've been getting in touch with those she names in her blog. I have talked to many so far. All are quite nice and helpful. But I'm nowhere near done yet. They have been touched that I have reached out to them. I think they need to know. Brinda has been so goood to thousands of people/avatars. She has a way about her.

I give you, She's got a Way...



She will be missed and remembered for always. Her legacy is about helping out those who need help, caring for others, and spreading love to others.

Before her, SL was confusing and bland. When she came along, SL seemed so much richer and exciting. Whether we went to see some of the historic sims or went to a concert, it was always fun. I will always remember those excursions fondly.

Here's another song, this one by Sarah McLachlan.



Namaste. Enjoy life.

Vic

Buddhism and acceptance

"For a Buddhist to die in Benares is a path to enlightenment. Today...that's my goal...to die in Benares...and to not leave too heavy a load for you to carry with my name on it. And so it goes I do really try, brinda Namaste"

This was an old blog entry that brinda wrote about how she wants to be in India. Vanaransi is her real haven and in SL, Benares is her haven and a haven for so many others.

I have only known brinda for little over a year, but within months we became close. In me, she found an apprentice or a little student. I have begun to learn and understand the ways of Buddhism and Brindaism (no disrespect meant). She is such a deeply caring and warm person. I have never known anyone like her before. You feel like she "knows" and she is at peace. Not to say that she is always so calm, but she knows how to find her inner peace. She knows how to set her boundaries...that was a big teaching point for me. It is not whining if you tell someone what bothers you about them. However, you must not say it when you are all hysterical. It's like you can't fight well if you're in a rage...you think irrationally and your actions will be jerky and uncoordinated. She would say to me, "Say what you mean/Mean what you say/ And don't say it mean." While this is an old saying, when she said it to me it suddenly was more meaningful. When she spoke, you sat up and listened. She had that sobering, entrancing, listen to this effect on me. Sometimes I'd get distracted if I had to go back and forth between SL and RL, but most of the time I was listening very carefully...maybe more so than even in my favorite classes in school.

The first time she brought me to Benares, she showed me around. She told you to sit in the blue chair, so I sat in it. She explained who lived where. I remember meeting a few people whose names I can't remember. I remember feeling fascinated that she walked so briskly and determined and the chair would follow. But one thing that really fascinated me was that she told me that she was Irish and Buddhist. I think I might've literally dropped my jaw. First, she wears a Qi pao, and then she's a Buddhist and she's American? Whoa.

That shock wore away soon, fortunately. And I began to look forward to our talks about SL, life, and Buddhism. I don't remember how we started talking about Buddhism. Maybe I was curious so I started asking questions...I really don't recall how it started. Anyhow, our friendship has been founded on conversation, straight talk, and a need to learn. Looking back, I also think she valued me because she felt that I was really listening and that she could talk and I wouldnt make any judgments. I hope I was very supportive. I try to be.

By straight talk I mean that she'd sit me down and tell me, "Sweety, life isn't fair." Or "you should know that others may not see things as you do." She once told me that I can "see" as she can. It's the type of seeing that one does with the intuition and mind...I'm not sure how else to describe it. All I know is that she's convinced that I have that sight. I remember feeling flattered and pleased at the compliment. In retrospect, I think that she meant it more as a fact.

One of the most important things she discussed with me is acceptance. We accept that things don't go our way. We accept that life isn't fair. We accept that we have limits, but through it all...we just keep going. Though we may be limited, we never run on an empty tank. Somewhere, we just get this energy to keep on going...this sort of cosmic energy. You could call it hope and ambition...that's what I think it might be.

Though there are things that we don't want to accept or things that we don't think we can accept, there is hope for another day. There is a chance that we will reach nirvana. There is a chance that we will learn to accept what we cannot change.

Be well. Namaste.

Vic

The Many Changes That Go On

So much happens in a year, in months, in weeks, in days...even within a day. It is astounding and flabbergasting and so....very fast. I wish it could stop or I could press the slower button.

Time stops for no one though and in the end, memories are all we have. There have been so many good memories for me in SL.

I learned to control my avatar with the arrow keys. I learned to fly with pgup and pgdn. I learned how to teleport, how to make landmarks, how to add/remove friends from my friend list, how to shop wisely, how to earn lindens, how to build, how to create things, how to take snapshots, and more. It has been wonderful for me and I've had some good friends to share my joy with me. They've seen me mad, sad, even silly. Haha.

I started reading archived entries from brinda. And even now, they are still so relevant. Some entries are funny, some sad, and some are an interesting mix. I am always touched by her words, her wit, her attitude...her aura.

My old SL bro Brandon once said to me, "Vic, you're all about friends." So true and I miss him very much. He will always be a dear friend.

In just a year, I have loved, lost, raged, cried, and aged a bit. No gray hair here heh heh, but I hope that I am wiser. And I hope that I do my friends proud.

Namaste,

Vic

Being in the know, in the now....

Lately I've become more reflective of life. There are several reasons for this...making a friend who I bounced philosophical ideas off of but most importantly...realizing that a friend who I thought would be there for a few more years won't be there for a few more years. I like the quotation "We have all the time in the world"...taken from an Ian Fleming book (one of the 007 novels). Honestly, that just isn't true. What time we have is the time we are afforded in life. She asked me..."how long is the rope?" How long do you think your life is? Of course I said I didn't know. Who really knows how long their rope is?

Since my rez day passed, this has also affected my way of thinking. While that philosophy friend turned out to only be interested in flings and flirting, it taught me a good lesson. First, if you hang out at a dance place...most likely you'll find people who just like to flirt and they might be flakes. Second, brainy people don't always act smart. But then anyone can act stupid regardless of education or intelligence level.

Life is for the living and we must live it well. A teacher once said, "The best revenge is living well." I always keep that in my mind.

Before he was Ram Dass, he learned to "be here now". The past and the future didn't matter. He lives in the moment.

I too want to get more in touch with my spiritual side. I want to feel more at peace with the universe and myself.

I have since made a new friend who seems more understanding and patient. I am content. Where will the friendship lead? I hope to find out.

Trying to let go

Does anyone ever want to let go? I know I don't ever want to, but sometimes not letting go can make me miserable. It can make anyone miserable.

There are things we all wish we could change or redo in our lives. Even now, we make mistakes and we keep making them. But I try not to blame myself so hard, that's just my response though. So much is expected of me and I feel the pressure. There are times when I feel like the son in my family. I also know that I need to be self sufficient and strong to face the world alone. I got to be yong gan...brave in Mandarin. I don't believe there will be someone to support me until much later. And frankly, I don't want just someone to feed me and shelter me. I will wait and learn how to be a truly strong woman. It's not just about thinking independent, being self-reliant is about being capable of providing for oneself without depending on others. That is my chief ambition in life. I don't want to be a burden to others.

Time keeps on flowing by like how a river flows downstream. No dam or person can stop the progression. If we could stop it, would we make some good changes or would those well-meant changes result in badness? There's a reason why we can't stop time and it is perhaps best that way. Human meddling can lead to tragedy, disaster, pain, not always....but it often does.

Someday, we all will let go of our pain and worry. I love how meditation basically is about letting the thoughts run through your mind, never dwelling too long on one. The goal in meditation is to clear the mind and just think of nothing. I wonder if someday I could accomplish that. Until then, I'll try to let the thoughts run through my mind for seconds and trying not to agonize over them.

Here's a song by an artist I remember from years ago, Elliot Yamin. His famous song was Wait For You.




And I believe
That breathing makes you free
And I believe
That love's our destiny
And I believe
In things I cannot see
Lyrics www.allthelyrics.com/lyrics/elliott_yamin/
Like faith and joy and peace and hope
And harmony

In my world we really aren't different
In your world we'll never be the same
I speak but you don't want to listen
It's easier to walk away

Slow down, wait another minute
Just once, let there be no blame
My world will always have you in it
That's one thing that time won't change

And you got to take that first hard step
There is a place and we're just not there yet



And here's a song from Billy Joel, another favorite singer of mine. Billy Joel is one of the most charismatic singers in history. I love his piano playing, his lyrics, and the melodies of his songs.

One year down contiinued...

It has been a very busy year.

I have also been sad about losing friends. I had a SL bro that left due to some drama. He left around December. He wished me a good Christmas from an offline IM and he said he wasn't sure he'd be back. I still miss him and I sometimes blame myself for not being there for him more. He taught me how use the Look At feature...how to see who is looking in your direction. I remembered feeling proud of myself when I would use it in Morris. He also taught me how to use camera controls like zooming in or out and panning my camera. To this day, I use those controls just about every time I'm inworld. I really respected him and I felt tranquil those early months I spent around him. As time went on though, I started dating and he did too. Sadly, none of those relationships were as nice as the one I had with him. I couldn't talk to those guys like I talked to him. The feeling was just so different. His relationship with a woman started turning sour and I tried to comfort him, but I was involved with another guy and I thought I was happy. And eventually, my bro got his heart broken and he began to fade from SL. He would log in less often and when he was inworld, if I didn't see him...he'd log out not long after I told him. Eventually, he left SL. I don't know when, but I just know that he is not coming back to SL from a friend of his. He didn't come back for my rez day, so I'll really let him go. I'll tuck his pictures and words away in my memory and think of him now and then, not pine away for him and be wracked by guilt.

And of course along the way I have made friends with people who would unfriend me if we didn't talk for at least a month or so. The thing is though they didn't IM me at all or hardly ever and I was (and still do) get busy on SL or when I have the viewer up. Everyone has things going on behind the screen at one time or another. Some days the phone rings off the hook and you find yourself dashing to the phone or people come and visit, things like that. Some of those friends weren't worth keeping and some were or are. It does hurt when you get a notification that the friendship has been ended, but it's a part of life. People don't always stay friends. You just take the blow gracefully and move on.

I have gotten attached to a few guys, but I soon learned they weren't worth my time. Did it hurt? Yes, it did...a good deal. And it took me time to get over and really quit blaming myself for it. I had thought I wasn't good enough or that it was all my fault. With some, I was partly to blame but the other side was wrong too.

I have resolved to really have fun. And the only things I should be serious about are Benares, helping friends and helping those who need help, writing, and creating. These are what I enjoy. I also have fun exploring sims and shops. It's amazing what one can find.

Je reviens...

It means "I return" in French. I learned that term from Daphne DuMaurier's book, Rebecca. Perhaps you have heard of the movie Laurence Olivier starred in of the same title, it is adapted from this book. It is an interesting book, reminiscent of Bronte's Jane Eyre.

A very dear friend of mine has returned after a week's absence. It is beyond wonderful to know she has returned. Without her, I have felt lost, deeply anxious, and deeply sad.

I know that no one will always be around in the live realm, but it just feels so joyous when you can talk to them when they are. They are never really gone, but memories always are a bit weaker than how they were in life.

Someday we all accept what is inevitable. For now though, I will revel in the live realm with this dear friend. It is precious beyond the concept of precious that we all learn as children and remember all through adulthood.

One year down...

July 4th is also the anniversary for when I joined SL. I still remember that night. It was around 11pm and I could still hear the fireworks making a bonny racket outside. When I rezzed into SL for the first time I showed up in a welcome area called Ahern or Morris as some call it. It was dark and full of avatars. I felt lost and so alone.

As I walked past the last pavilion I saw an IM from a woman. It stopped me in my tracks. And then she started talking to me in local about how to get around in SL. I don't remember what she said, but I remember her patience and kindness to me. And through IMs, she gave me objects like skins and an AO. I had trouble with the AO for a bit. She even joked that one guy had the hots for me. After one week, I never heard from the guy again (he's still on my list though). He seemed to be the least guileless man I've met in a long time. He was from Brazil, that explains part of it. From my experience working with foreigners, they just seem so much more polite than most people I meet on a daily basis. It is like 'a breath of fresh air.'

Anyone that woman who helped me that first now...she has become my dearest friend in SL and perhaps in RL. She has been there for me on my journey through SL and through one year of my life. As I begin another year, I am grateful that I know her and that we can speak to each other as individuals, like-minded souls, and good friends. She has touched my life in ways that I am only now beginning to see and understand. So much can happen in a year and so much change can occur. It feels like a wave swept over me and has made its impressions on me. Good people are like that, their effect always shows wherever they make an impact.

Also, I have had so much fun exploring the virtual world. I saw Steller's beanstalk in my first or second week. I tried to climb it, but still haven't gotten high up. Perhaps someday I will? That would be a cool achievement to write about. ;-) I've been to SL Africa and went up in a hot air balloon above the whole sim once. The guy I went with unfriended me a long time ago (he was probably just a flake), but I still remember the joy of being high up and seeing and enjoying the view of the luscious land and the animals. I met him at a time when I felt sad and he cheered me up for a time.

Soon after that, I met Steve at the same welcome area where I first rezzed. And since then, Steve has become a dear friend too. He and his friends just exude this warmth that I always like to be around. We talk, we laugh, and cry on each other's shoulders. He is a great friend and the friends I meet through him are wonderful as well.

I have also joined a lot of groups in SL. Back when the group limit was 25, I soon had 25 groups. So I'd leave and join and rejoin groups frequently. I'd sit there and try to deliberate about which to leave. Lol. Actually I still do that, even though the limit is 42. LOL. Through those groups, I have made many friends as well. Some are still my friends and others have left of their own volition for the reason that I didn't IM them much. The thing is I do tend to get quite busy in SL and I hope that sometimes my friends IM me. It seems like a lot of the time, I am the one who starts an IM. There are times when I wonder if I'm the only one who wants to IM, you know? But I am usually the last person to unfriend.

I have learned a good deal from their friends too. It has been fun. Or even just talking to people in group chats...it's quite enjoyable. Most people are pretty friendly and polite.

Being a part of a SL community has been really great for me. I have a home in SL. When I feel hurt or scared, I can go there and feel peaceful.

One of the things I enjoy is the fact that you can learn so much. I'm talking about the classes you can talk. You can take building, scripting, even language classes. I've only taken building and scripting classes, but someday...I might stay for some language classes. I'm still not that good at building, but I have the notes and I know a few things about building. I can build basic things like a table or a set of small stairs. I do hope that someday, I will create something of my own like a gorgeous house or a lovely tree. I am also working on creating sculpts. For now, I just use Qavimator to try to make static poses and animations. It's challenging, but I really enjoy it.

Another thing I enjoy is the art you can see and view in SL. Since August, I have been writing about museums and art galleries. And I have made many art contacts...as I call them. I befriend artists and I like to talk to them about their art. Sadly, one of the artists I talked to passed away in March, Sabrinaa Nightfire. Her sim, Erato of Caerleon, was and has been one of my favorite art sims. It was among the first galleries that I ever wrote about for Wonderful Evenings. I left a build I made, which was designed by Hig Bing who teaches at Builder's Brewery and has her own shop. I will miss her though I didn't know her well. I did get to talk to 3 of her closest friends in SL. I hope to talk to them more. I still have so many questions and I realized that I want to design art in SL.

I make poses in SL. That is a sort of art for me, but I'd love to combine that with pictures or builds. And maybe one day I'll build my own art gallery. It's so lovely to dream...

Busy, busy, busy

I'm not going to say the word. :P

I have gone back to writing. I have been writing a short story for practice, and 2 interviews for PURE magazine. The last article I completed on Sunday...was tough. The designer said he'd get back to me, but he didn't. It took many days and a lot of frustration. I managed to whip something up and I think it's good enough. I have no delusions that it's my best piece, but it's sufficient. I made the deadline, days early, and I made the required number of words. I had more fun with the first article about an art gallery. I won't divulge details until they're published.

I have started to write about another art gallery or should I say garden. It's a beautiful spot behind a little library. I met the owner and she's such a kind woman. I think we could talk for hours about books and limitations and more.

Once again, I have got mixed up in love. I adore this guy, but he's just absorbed with his ex. He says it's temporary. Well, I have a feeling it's not. She's not going to let him go like that. No matter what he says now, I don't believe him. He could've told her it's over, but he's still into her and he might just fall back into step with her. It hasn't been long since the break. I told him that it feels like I'm "being played" by him. He was 'a little insulted' and left. But you know what, that's nothing. It's only 'a little'. I have been looking at the situation from a bird's eye view and it leaves me out on the sidelines and it leaves me baffled and very disappointed. And I think they need to let go. But I don't see that happening. So, I'll let go. I won't be marginalized or made to be the third wheel.

Okay, so he's confused. But why not step away? I'll be the strong one in this situation, take control, and leave. I know I'm better off on my own.

I have talked about him with other friends. And they all seem to say that I should be distant and/or just move on. One even said to wait 2 weeks. I might be distant and eventually, I'll have let go.

How can I love someone who can get distracted by their past and doesn't value their present enough? I'm there, but I'm ignored unless I squeak. But what if I don't want to squeak? Isn't my presence enough?

Happier news

I have been busy with RL work, but I check up at Benares and I spend time with friends. There's a new girl at Benares, Grimzy. :) We all welcome her to Benares and SL!

Steve and his partner, Helene celebrated their 4th year of being SL partners...June 9th. Yay for them! They are such nice people and Steve is one of my oldest friends in SL. He's a great builder and he has such a warm personality. He is one of the few people who I hug in SL. I trust him and I know that he trusts me. We get along great.

I have been creating poses. My store blog is http://victorialenoirre.blogspot.com/ I've been having fun editing the pics in GIMP. I love the color balance dialogue now. I usually make my pics look redder...giving my avatar a rosy tone. I recently bought a set of boots. They didn't cost much and yet they are resizable and you can change the color. The texture is very realistic too. They look like real leather boots by the way. My latest product pic shows me wearing them. I am finding that you don't have to spend a lot to get quality in SL. It is like that in real life too.

You can spend thousands on a fancy computer or fancy car...but in the end, you're not guaranteed the best performance. Sometimes the higher the price, the more finicky or higher maintenance the product is. I believe in getting something that is mid-range. It's not the lowest price, but not the highest price either. Comparison shopping is always the best policy. Plus, I like to check out all the options out there. I have always been an inquisitive person. People call me clever or very bright, but I think that that is just my perpetual curiosity. And no, it hasn't killed this cat. Lol. I don't really believe that saying anyhow. I might be a bit defiant. Oh well. :-)

Also, I am a writer with PURE magazine. I got the position sometime before madison decided to close Palais magazine. I am sad about that, but I understand that RL comes first. I would've done the same thing. I will still blog for Palais as long as the blog is up. The URL is http://palaisorleans.blogspot.com/ I will update it soon. I have been behind with blogging. And I have been working on my first article for PURE.

Truth and Lies

A few days ago, I found out something that I wish I didn't know now. My ex bf has partnered already. It must've happened a few days before I saw his profile. Some interesting facts, the girl is about 3 months old so she probably hasn't know him long and perhaps she's with him to comfort him. I think it's a bad sign. Why? He rushed into that relationship and he is the type who runs away and doesn't look back once someone puts their foot down and decides that they won't take his crap. He played on my pity, especially in the end. He has given up on me and it is a good thing. Yes, it hurts that he has forgotten about me and he didn't mean what he said when he'd be my friend, but it is good because it means that he is moving on. He has no credibility with me anymore. There will be no more pitiful moans or "gulps" or guilt trips from him to me. I knew there was a reason why I tried to avoid him months before he and I started dating.

I see the truth about him now. I was his quarry, his victim. And now I know his game and I won't play it anymore. So now he has found someone else. Maybe he's playing with her emotions...who knows? But I'm not about to interfere. I have my friends, my priorities, and my own life. I feel sorry for her, but there is nothing I can do. She made her choice and I made mine. The only way for her to be rid of him at least in SL is if I AR'ed or someone else did, but I don't think I have any reason to do that. If I did, I'd have AR'ed him already. No one should be manipulated upon. It's indecent and abusive.

I removed him from friends. He is still in land group, but maybe he won't be for long. I don't think he deserves the tag. It makes me feel disgusted to think that I was fooled by his sweet words and his attentions to me. In the end, he made me feel cheap and angry. He swore at me and tried to make me feel bad and guilty for my anger. That is not how a decent person should behave. I believe my anger was justified and I still do. I haven't regretted my decision to split or de-friend him. I have felt freer and more peaceful since I did those acts. I know it was the right thing to do. So why should I feel guilty for doing what my heart and mind tell me is right?

I love this song by Whitney Houston, Step by Step

In search of something better

As I write, I can't help but feel sad. It always seems like the things I want are always just out of my reach. I think I have it, but I come up with nothing. People tell me you have to go after what you want, but not everything can be attained that way. And the people who are so "pushy" or "grabby", do they keep what they seize or will their quarry run away? In college, I've known of nice, shy guys being swept off their feet by the outgoing, pushy girl. It sucks, but that's what happens. I feel bad for the guys. They don't see what hit them until they're deeply entangled with kids, credit card debt, a mortgage they can't pay, in-laws they can't stand, whatever. It's just so sad that they don't realize how they've been manipulated early on. I have seen one guy friend in college get taken like that. I would've made a move except I didn't think the time was right for me. I know he's happy right now, and I'm happy for him. But how long will he be happy? I was broken up about it for months, but I did get over him. Though sometimes, I still think of him and wonder what if she hadn't come along...he's such a sweet guy. But it's clear to me that he's not for me.

Guys tend to think of me as a sister or that attractive woman who's "out of their league." I'm turning 25 and I've thought how my mom married when she was 23. I do wish I could've found love by now, but it just hasn't happened. I haven't really felt that coup de foudre...thunder bolt that people feel when they know that they connect. I always have infatuations with guys in real life or actors like John Cusack or Robert Downey Jr, but it's superficial mostly. I like them for their character, but I know it'll never be reciprocated. I always have this sense that no man will ever understand me or have the patience for me. I guess I'm just too old-fashioned. Maybe I should've been born in the distant past when women were wooed gently not like now when guys show off their cars or their looks. Or they think they can flatter me with sweet words and admiring glances. Those only work to a certain point and don't last very long.

Here's to hoping that some day, a man will come along and will be the man I need.

Striving on...

Happy Memorial day!


This is Wizard Gynoid's exhibit at UWA: http://slurl.com/secondlife/UWA%20VIRTLANTIS/143/85/24

Very cool.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZqZeWsgfxDI
http://wouldntthatriptheforkoutofyournightie.wordpress.com/2011/05/30/my-take-on-bullying/

I'm going through some drama, but I'm working through it. I'll be okay. I won't let it get me down for long. More on that, later.

Conflict and Tough Decisions

http://palaisorleans.blogspot.com/2011/05/draftrecognizing-4th-rez-day-for.html

Here's something I wrote lately about a very special person in my life.


For awhile, I've felt that there was a lot of conflict and doubt in my SL life. Since the first week, I realized it existed and would exist unless I changed myself. I have changed some, but still it exists. I really am a late bloomer. In my other life, I am a late bloomer. How could it not be otherwise? Who I am in SL is a reflection of who I am in RL.

Maybe it's fate or SL giving me a second chance, but I happened to meet an old old ex friend in a beautiful sim where a museum is located. We parted ways after about 3 conversations during my first or second week in SL. We met in Morris and I felt flattered by her attention. She brought me to a store that sold clubwear and she bought me a slutty outfit. Slowly, I realized what she wanted. But rather than tell her no at that moment, I clamped up. For days after, I avoided her. One day, I came clean and she was very upset. And so, she cut my card. I apologized and offered to pay her back and send the item back to her, but she told me to keep it. And then I never heard anything from her and I never tried to reach out...I thought she never wanted to talk to me again. But that afternoon, she seemed pleasantly surprised to see me. She still wears a cat avatar, but she now builds for the museum owner. I'm overjoyed that she is doing such great work. I saw one build by her and I think it's fabulous!

There is another chance in SL, but I haven't taken it. I see Jonny and his gf in Morris most of the time I visit. I just still feel scared and disappointed in him. His gf was nice to me and maybe I threw it away. Maybe they'll talk to me again after all this time, but I just don't feel ready to talk.

So much has happened to me since I've been away from them. I've dated around, taken many classes, blogged about people and places, explored sims, learned about SL, made more good friends, gotten better at writing in SL, started my business...and realized that I am fortunate to have good friends who will always be with me in spirit.

Now I need to make a tough decision. I have been upset lately and really doubting myself. Sunday, I felt that my relationship with my bf should end. Well, since then things haven't gotten better since we made peace. He really doesn't understand me. He defends his ex...over me. It feels like I was just a nasty, evil girl who didn't think about his feelings. Why should I feel guilty over my own anger? It was not my friend who interfered, it was his friend. It's good that he forgives her, but he makes me feel that I had no right to be angry. But I have feelings too and it made me feel uncomfortable. Yes I have a bad temper, but I get mad over big things. Little things irritate me, but I don't blow up over them...I have some control over my temper, for whatever that's worth.

I didn't get to talk to him inworld, but I did send him an offline IM and he replied. He has agreed that we should go back to being friends. He wants to try again someday, but I told him that I don't think that that's possible. He wants to wait for when "things settle down", but I just think....why bother? He's still him and I'm still me. Nothing really changes over time. I understand better how he is and I realize that I could never be content with him. I can't be around someone who always makes me feel guilty when I say no or when I feel mad....makes me feel like such an awful monster. I know I can be difficult to deal with at times, but I know I'm not a horrid person. What really bothered me is that he'd always mention one of his ex's at least once each time we IM'ed or hung out. I never liked that because I felt like I was being compared side by side like comparing 2 cars and I kept thinking, he still hasn't let go of them. I shouldn't have to tolerate that. I am who I am; I am not a copy of anyone. I really believe in individuality. No one is anyone but themself.

P.S. I finally got the nerve to make peace with that other old old friend. It wasn't as tough as I had thought. In fact, he was pleased that I reached out to him. He had been waiting I think. All these months our paths had crossed, but he knew that I must be the one to step forward, after all I was the one who had cut the ties. I said I was wrong and surprisingly, he had said he was wrong too. We both said things we shouldn't have, but that doesn't matter now. What matters is that we have put it behind us. I will be a better person and I will not let my pride or anger hurt myself for so long. It really had been many months since we had talked. A lot has changed.

I am still mad at Tsali, but I should move on. He has a tendency to get in trouble with women. I think his new lady could prove to be no different. However, he made his bed and he'll lie in it. It's none of my business. I no longer respect him like I did before. I will move on, I need to.


In the meantime I'll focus on doing the things I enjoy and being me. I have started my second draft of my chateau, haha. Hopefully it looks better than my last few house building attempts. I'll include a picture later. I have RL work next week, so that'll be good for me. I do need some time to reflect during the day.