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Wednesday, April 20, 2011

Always Lost in Thought

How much of our waking life are we lost in thought? How long do we spend just living in our heads?

Days ago I admitted to myself that I am lonely. I am busy to ease that loneliness. In a way, it helps me through that time. But it also fulfills a need in me to do something. Dancing or talking is something, but I can not just do those in and of themselves...just those 2 activities.

People are amazed when they hear about what I do. It could be considered overkill: writing, building, Qavimator, GIMP, blogging, shopping, exploring. Is that all I do? Well, I do dance with friends from time to time. And I can stand around in a lobby, but that's seldom. Are they intimidated? I wonder about that. Probably. I asked a friend and he said, "I'm not." Well, I know that. He's known me for more than 6 months. By this summer, it'll be a year..August I believe. Seek and ye shall find. I searched and my search led me to him. He's a manager of a SL organization, a landlord, a SL content creator and a good friend. We can talk about real life or sl. We understand that. We dated once or twice, but we agreed that we'd be better as friends. And it was the right choice, not that he wouldn't make a great boyfriend...he would. But he can be just as supportive and caring as my friend. I trust him and he trusts me too. That's one of the highest compliments that I could ever receive.

I asked him what whould he do if SL shut down. He said he didn't know. He told me he knows of Avination. I told him I would go to Inworldz. Well, I hope SL will be around longer. I feel that SL is my only link to him. I'd miss his friendship and his words. He knows what to say to calm me. He doesn't even have to say a lot or try hard. I hope that his real life is wonderful and well.

Last week or so, I mentioned Tsali and how I felt betrayed. I realize he wasn't who I thought he was. Things like this they just shatter your image of a person. You think...who the hell is this person? Where am I? What? Huh? You just feel clueless and dazed. He hasn't changed, I have. I can see clearer now and it is freeing. Sometimes waiting can seem tense. You wait for the question to come or the talk to arise. When it never does...you're off the hook. You're A-OK. And I will be okay, I am okay.

Do I think of finding love someday? Yes. Doesn't everyone? I just haven't found it yet.

I have many friends who are there for me. And I have my hobbies and interests. Life just isn't life if it's a few limited things. I need to do a lot to feel full. If someone can't deal with that...that's their problem. The song I like now is I Look to You by Whitney Houston. "When all my strength is gone, in you I can be strong...I look to you..."

I try to be very tolerant. But when someone whines about me always being busy...I can't take that. Of course, it depends on the person's attitude. But if they complain and bitch about it and how their other friends are so busy...I'm sorry. But I'm not responsible for your happiness. YOU make your own happiness. It's all concocted in the mind.

Friday, April 15, 2011

Like a fellow once said...ain't that a kick in the head?!

You ever get those days? I'm kind of feeling like someone stunned me or knocked me out.

You think you can trust someone and they understand you...don't assume that. The one who understands you the best is yourself, to paraphrase Richard Bach. What you don't say, that can always make you feel miserable. But sometimes when you finally do say it, you don't feel any better. You feel a feeling of release, but that's all. And how do you know the release will feel rewarding? You don't know that.

There are so many times where society expects us to understand hints. My situation was that I fell in love with a friend. I find out how much I care about him when I figure out that he has been dating a woman for a few days now. I wonder why he didn't tell me. Friends tell each other, right? Didn't he feel so excited that he felt like he had to share it with someone? Apparently not.

I've known him for months. I felt close to him. But yet, not really. He's not very talkative. I guess he likes to be straightforward and doesn't take hints. I was so worried when he was away from SL for 2 months, I think. When he came back, it was like before. Or so I thought. But things had changed.

I was busier with my stores. I was starting to get the hang of mostly spending time doing my own stuff. So when he came back, I didn't spend so much time with him like I used to. I thought he'd understand. But lots of guys might feel like I ignore them, if they're typical and they are my friends. But that's how I am. I like to learn and do independent things. I have a corazon salvaje...wild heart.

This was on Tuesday. On Wednesday, he still needed to think. Today, Thursday, he did talk to me. And I knew before he said anything that he still wanted to see his lady friend.

I don't like her. I think she's a pretender. She can be coy and sweet with newbies or strangers. But if you talk about the right thing, you'll see what she's really like. You can tell when people get angry. And I did see her get indignant. I thought she seemed parochial and arrogant. But there's nothing I can do. He may find out and it won't be pretty. He has seen some unpretty behavior in women, so that's his problem. I'll try not to care too much. Because I can't wait around for someone like him when there are other people I could get to know and things I could do.

I spent tonight finishing an article, visiting with Jake, visitng Lrak, and visiting with Steve. Both are 2 great guys and friends of mine. They always know how to cheer me up and make me smile. I feel very fortunate to know them. Steve has a partner, but he always talks to me when he can. When he can't, he'll explain why. He's polite, sweet, thoughtful, and more. Jake has become a good friend. We've been hanging out more for a month or so. When he returned to SL, he started visiting me at my parcel. And he still does that. He takes time to see me and we talk a little bit. He's smart, sweet, and fun to be with. Lrak is a friend I met through an art gallery contact. Lrak scripts and I need script help. Months after adding him, we finally really talked. Well when I friended him, we did talk some. He said as soon as that conversation, he liked me. But it was months later that I started to really know him. He's understanding, warm, and intelligent. He encourages my pose making and he owns some of my creations. Very sweet of him. I value all these men. They are good to me.

Even though I still feel hurt, I still see the niceness and gentility around me. I am so deeply thankful.