Monday, January 20, 2014

Words, just words

It's funny and ridiculous how mere words can hurt us sometimes. They shouldn't but they do.

I noticed a friend's facebook post and it stuck into me like a knife stab. It was like the friend was only recognizing certain people, singling them out. So yeah I suddenly felt excluded and felt like dirt.

Why do I do that to myself?

All of a sudden I felt unappreciated again. The friend and I hadn't talked much lately. It seems like there is nothing to talk about, no joy and not much support anymore from that person. And the friend always becomes busy with others. Other people always seem nicer than old friends, maybe?

They do say that you cannot always rely on others for comfort. Boy, they are so right.

So why do I care? Why does my heart feel like it's bleeding again?

I have no idea.

Just when I feel like I am stronger, something like this happens and it sends me reeling.

So I'll just keep plodding forward and try to push this aside. It's just my perception. I just need to focus on being me.

And so it goes...


Monday, July 15, 2013

Just a rambling

I am back for a bit I guess. There is so much that has happened to me in the three years I've been in SL. Lately, I've been feeling sad and so alone. The last time I felt this low was in 2011, in the fall and late summer. Losing friends and losing one's faith in them has gotten me to this point.

They say I'm arrogant and maybe I am. A human being cannot live without pride, a sense of self.

So many people who I like, turned out to be uncaring and cowardly...they couldn't face me and they didn't care to keep in touch. It hurts, it hurts deeply. I've decided to start over. I need to forget about the selfish, uncaring people and stay with the ones who truly like me for me.

It's a daunting task, but not an impossible one.


Monday, February 25, 2013

Feelings and friends?

Feelings. We all have them. It's just terrible when a person seems to string you along. They can say "I'm sorry", as much as they like, but doesn't change the fact that they inflicted hurt...that they disappointed.

If all they can do is apologize and keep disappointing, then are they really a friend? Do they really care? How can you be sure that they mean what they say if this happens two, three times, or more? It is  just tiring to get up the conviction that they indeed are sorry and that it will be better next time.

One of the best things anyone can do is to just be honest and try not to mislead anybody. It is not fair, not to mention unkind and just unnecessary.

In day to day life, people will take you for your word unless they have reason to believe that you are untrustworthy and/or lacking credibility.

Sad to say, if you have let someone down even twice, that affects how people feel about you. They are less lucky to take you that seriously. So it is so important to stick by your word and mean what you say.

If you say you will think about a decision, give yourself days or even a week to think it over. Never make a decision like, "Oh, I changed my mind," just hours later. It just makes you look rash, impulsive, and impatient.

In this day and age though, with the Internet and technology, everything can be done a whole lot faster in terms of finding information and communicating with others. But one thing that should not get faster is our decision-making or our way of really relating to anyone. Choices can affect others and every choice should be thought through and changing one's mind all the time, can hurt another person. Like say you say you will marry someone and then the day after you say you will not. That hurts. It is like the air got deflated from your balloon. Your hopes were up high and then you were quickly let down. It hurts a lot and it takes time to get over the disappointment. Everyone has feelings and feelings can be quite fragile. It takes maturity and experience to understand how to treat others with consideration and care.

So  that's what I had to vent about lately.


Saturday, December 08, 2012

Lion for Lalo

Lalo loved furries and he was a furry in SL.

In one of our recent conversations, he spoke about a lion furry avatar from Dark Spot Designs. I saw it, but I thought he'd appreciate it more than me so I didn't buy it. It's one of the nicest looking furries I've ever seen. I have seen a lot.

Last night, I resolved to buy it and  take a photo in it.

I might even go around as a lion for awhile, I don't know.

Anyway, here's me as a male lion.

Me as a male lion furry at Lalo's front door
 The review he sent me is here: http://www.slarf.org/dark-spot-designs-lion/

It's a good furry. It has ear movement, jaw movement, eye movement, animated tail, comes with both a PG & Mature skin.  I chose to wear the PG male skin. But once you rezz the box and click it, you can choose what sex you want to unpack. This is the lion in sand color. There are other colors too, but I liked this color the best.

It doesn't come with an AO, but it's fine. It works fine with my Vista AO.

So um, that's it. And I'll be a  furry lion on the grid for awhile.


Not to leave things left unsaid

I know I haven't blogged much, personally. Oh, I blog plenty about art and creating. But I've learned that there are things that shouldn't be left unsaid, those things that matter and come from the heart.

I will try to break my silence but I associate this blog with brinda. And I would blog here mainly to see her comments to me. I realize that that wouldn't happen again, so I stopped blogged about my personal feelings. It's like when a loved one doesn't hold your hand anymore. It's hard to accept, but I am working on it still.

Yesterday morning, I woke up feeling groggy and sluggish. I had breakfast as usual then went back to my room/office to check email. And an email notification of a new blog post from my friend Alexhayden, sure woke me right up. Alex wrote about a great friend who he respected, loved and had dreamed of meeting in RL. The big shock was that Lalo Telling was checked into a hospice last night. I follow Lalo's blog and tweets, but it was just a shock to realize that the cancer had worsened so badly. I knew the cancer was in a very late stage, but I wanted to believe that there was still hope of a slow, full recovery. I was holding onto that hope like holding onto a weak thread. To read that blog post and to absorb the meaning...it's just devastating. As I write, tears have started to run...again.

The last time I IM'd Lalo, we had agreed to meet again sometime in Inworldz. He has a new home there. He set it up a few months ago. It was still there when I logged in 1 or 2 weeks ago.

But now I am struggling to accept that I might never see Lalo inworld again, or even meet him in RL. We talked about meeting before. Looks like that will not happen now.

I enjoyed his company. We traded pictures, shopped for those fall trees he has out at West Harbour or was it his place in Inworldz? It seems like so long ago. He loved nature and he always knew how to make his home look cheerful and bright. He'd invite me over now and then. I made time  to see him, because I wanted to.

He introduced me to the Dropkick Murphys. Before that, I had only heard the name. I never cared much for them. But once I heard that steady drumbeat and those pipes, I became an instant fan. He's Irish. And I even asked him what his RL first name is. And I said something like, "Yeah, that's a very Irish name." He just grinned, I think.

He loved to ride on bicycle trails outdoors. But he hated carrying the bike up the stairs of his apartment, so it had been a few years since he had rode.

Lalo's place is peaceful and  relaxing. He has tatami mats, bonzai trees, even Japanese wall hangings in his inworld house. He is all about Zen and yet, you'd never guess if you talked to him. He's one of the most friendliest friends I have ever had and one of the most intelligent.

I miss spending time with him. I do a lot in SL, but I made time for him because I wanted to. If we didn't meet in SL, we might meet in Inworldz. We once spent a good several hours in Inworldz. That was a beautiful afternoon. An afternoon where we enjoyed the quiet and privacy of a parcel in Inworldz....no griefers or ranodom IMs from strangers.

Those moments I remember fondly.

After brinda died, I didn't think I could love again, but I did. Lalo let me into his life like brinda did and I can't tell you how honored I feel. I didn't know him for years and I don't know everything about him, but I feel that connection to him. I care about him.

Lalo, I'll never forget you. Thank you for the memories, the music, the laughs...thank you for being you....you cute kitteh!

Love always,

Tuesday, September 04, 2012

Remembering a dear, dear friend

I always remember old friends. They come and go. Some leave me with a bitter taste in my mouth and heart. Then there are others who fill me with hope and encouragement. Brinda was such a friend. She died last July, it's over a year now. It still feels like yesterday.

Anyway, today I took time to look at an old photo that she took of herself. She was a great photographer. She didn't need to edit her photos. I have no doubt though that if she did, she'd do a phenomenal job. Once she put her mind to something....it's done SO WELL. It's people like her that value hard work, patience, and practice.

So here's my photo of her. It's not much, but it's all I could  think to do. She loved India. Her religion was so important to her. It didn't wear her, she wore it...to use a cliche about clothing. Buddhism became her and she was stronger for it.

Every day I miss her. Every day I love her.

Unlike friends who left me because I don't stay in touch often enough (and they don't try to get in touch either), though she isn't in contact with me anymore, I can still feel her presence. Last week I met a guy who said he had been interested in Buddhism for awhile. For some reason after our first long talk I said to him before I logged, "namaste." I just knew. :-)

And so it goes,


Saturday, April 07, 2012

Endings and Beginnings

So many things have happened since I last wrote. It has been a whirlwind of activity and events. For instance, the death of Whitney Houston was such a shock for me and much of the world. Her voice was powerful, majestic, rich, and just so amazing. I love a lot of her songs and I even try singing them. I wish I could sing with such volume and power as she did. Compared to her, I think I sing like a mouse. LOL. There's just no comparison, her voice was special and extraordinary. I thought she'd live to 50 or 60 at least. Of course I have known about her drug addiction, but I did not realize it was so bad.

I unpartnered. Then I partnered and unpartnered again. Then I thought I wanted to spend my SL with a guy, but months later...it just didn't feel right. I wanted to believe it was something I really wanted and it would last a long time. But if something feels odd or forced, then it must be so.

I now write for 2 other magazines, BOSL and Virtual Music Magazine. It has been exciting and busy.

And everyday I think of my mentor and wish she would talk to me like she used to do. I'll never stop missing her. She changed me. I hope she's proud of me.

Friday, December 30, 2011

The Holidays and a flurry of activity

Such is life, always something going on.

I had a nice Christmas holiday. I hope you all did too. It's nice to have family and friends to spend it with. Plus, I was glad  that it didn't snow a lot in my area. I have never liked snow. I always manage to get wet, my socks or my pants....whatever. LOL.

In SL, on Christmas Eve, I got engaged to my friend and love Roo who I've known since late October. I met him at Morris, where I first rezzed as a newbie. I was missing my mentor, so I went to visit. I was standing around just watching people talking and walking by me. Brinda would watch people in Morris, to see which ones looked lost or kept to themselves, kind of standing in the corner. Anyway, I see a quadroped Alaskan wolf avatar walk by. He asks for the time, saying he wants to see how long he'll be in SL until he crashes. He had computer issues, something to do with hardware. I forget the specifics. Roo was the one who told him the time and I offered to help keep track of time as well. Roo then asks the wolf man how he can walk on four legs. Roo had a fox avatar that only walked on 2 legs. I started listening and eventually, I was standing near where the wolf and Roo were talking. Eventually the wolf crashes, but I keep talking to Roo and I friend him. And ever since that day, we've been friends. That was a great afternoon, though at the time it felt ordinary.

I love the ring he got me. It's not the most expensive one and it's not on the first page of the engagement section, thankfully. The ones on the front page are too flashy, too lavish, and too expensive. LOL. In any life, I don't like to spend a lot on things like jewelry or clothing.

Just weeks before, I had unpartnered Lrak and was feeling so lost and desolate. Lrak is a good man, but his real life was keeping him busy. I realized I just wasn't happy with him. We hardly communicated.

Days before I unpartnered Lrak, I realized that I had feelings for Roo. Roo made me feel valued and that he cared and wouldn't let me fret for weeks on end, not know what was going on with him. Life just seems lighter and happier with Roo. It feels great to be appreciated. My hope is that he remains in my life for a very very long time.

In terms of animating, I've been working on some AO stands and walks. One client is happy with a set of Babylon 5 stand and walk I made just for him. It was a challenge loading the animations into the hud, having never done it before. Then I needed to explain it to him. But, I managed okay and so far, I have not had any complaints from him. The other client is working on a Steampunk AO. I am working on a walk for him then he has other animations he needs. I should have the other animations for him in a few weeks.

Be safe, warm, and happy this winter season! Be you!

On that note, I wish you all a Happy New Year 2012!