Monday, May 30, 2011

Striving on...

Happy Memorial day!

This is Wizard Gynoid's exhibit at UWA: http://slurl.com/secondlife/UWA%20VIRTLANTIS/143/85/24

Very cool.


I'm going through some drama, but I'm working through it. I'll be okay. I won't let it get me down for long. More on that, later.

Saturday, May 28, 2011

Conflict and Tough Decisions


Here's something I wrote lately about a very special person in my life.

For awhile, I've felt that there was a lot of conflict and doubt in my SL life. Since the first week, I realized it existed and would exist unless I changed myself. I have changed some, but still it exists. I really am a late bloomer. In my other life, I am a late bloomer. How could it not be otherwise? Who I am in SL is a reflection of who I am in RL.

Maybe it's fate or SL giving me a second chance, but I happened to meet an old old ex friend in a beautiful sim where a museum is located. We parted ways after about 3 conversations during my first or second week in SL. We met in Morris and I felt flattered by her attention. She brought me to a store that sold clubwear and she bought me a slutty outfit. Slowly, I realized what she wanted. But rather than tell her no at that moment, I clamped up. For days after, I avoided her. One day, I came clean and she was very upset. And so, she cut my card. I apologized and offered to pay her back and send the item back to her, but she told me to keep it. And then I never heard anything from her and I never tried to reach out...I thought she never wanted to talk to me again. But that afternoon, she seemed pleasantly surprised to see me. She still wears a cat avatar, but she now builds for the museum owner. I'm overjoyed that she is doing such great work. I saw one build by her and I think it's fabulous!

There is another chance in SL, but I haven't taken it. I see Jonny and his gf in Morris most of the time I visit. I just still feel scared and disappointed in him. His gf was nice to me and maybe I threw it away. Maybe they'll talk to me again after all this time, but I just don't feel ready to talk.

So much has happened to me since I've been away from them. I've dated around, taken many classes, blogged about people and places, explored sims, learned about SL, made more good friends, gotten better at writing in SL, started my business...and realized that I am fortunate to have good friends who will always be with me in spirit.

Now I need to make a tough decision. I have been upset lately and really doubting myself. Sunday, I felt that my relationship with my bf should end. Well, since then things haven't gotten better since we made peace. He really doesn't understand me. He defends his ex...over me. It feels like I was just a nasty, evil girl who didn't think about his feelings. Why should I feel guilty over my own anger? It was not my friend who interfered, it was his friend. It's good that he forgives her, but he makes me feel that I had no right to be angry. But I have feelings too and it made me feel uncomfortable. Yes I have a bad temper, but I get mad over big things. Little things irritate me, but I don't blow up over them...I have some control over my temper, for whatever that's worth.

I didn't get to talk to him inworld, but I did send him an offline IM and he replied. He has agreed that we should go back to being friends. He wants to try again someday, but I told him that I don't think that that's possible. He wants to wait for when "things settle down", but I just think....why bother? He's still him and I'm still me. Nothing really changes over time. I understand better how he is and I realize that I could never be content with him. I can't be around someone who always makes me feel guilty when I say no or when I feel mad....makes me feel like such an awful monster. I know I can be difficult to deal with at times, but I know I'm not a horrid person. What really bothered me is that he'd always mention one of his ex's at least once each time we IM'ed or hung out. I never liked that because I felt like I was being compared side by side like comparing 2 cars and I kept thinking, he still hasn't let go of them. I shouldn't have to tolerate that. I am who I am; I am not a copy of anyone. I really believe in individuality. No one is anyone but themself.

P.S. I finally got the nerve to make peace with that other old old friend. It wasn't as tough as I had thought. In fact, he was pleased that I reached out to him. He had been waiting I think. All these months our paths had crossed, but he knew that I must be the one to step forward, after all I was the one who had cut the ties. I said I was wrong and surprisingly, he had said he was wrong too. We both said things we shouldn't have, but that doesn't matter now. What matters is that we have put it behind us. I will be a better person and I will not let my pride or anger hurt myself for so long. It really had been many months since we had talked. A lot has changed.

I am still mad at Tsali, but I should move on. He has a tendency to get in trouble with women. I think his new lady could prove to be no different. However, he made his bed and he'll lie in it. It's none of my business. I no longer respect him like I did before. I will move on, I need to.

In the meantime I'll focus on doing the things I enjoy and being me. I have started my second draft of my chateau, haha. Hopefully it looks better than my last few house building attempts. I'll include a picture later. I have RL work next week, so that'll be good for me. I do need some time to reflect during the day.

Sunday, May 22, 2011

A Sad mistake or a gift?

I'm so sad to admit I made a horrid mistake. On May 7th, I said yes to a guy friend who asked me to be his SL girlfriend. Until a few days ago I felt so happy, like nothing could get me down. But then, I found out from him that a "pretty good friend" spied on us and was jealous. And yesterday he called her a "semi-gf". Which is she? Changing his tune, is he? I can't tolerate that. I saw her profile and her group for her main avatar and it left me feeling disturbed. All I can say is that she's not my idea of a good friend, she just takes and won't give. The fact that he dated her for 2 months after only knowing her for a month, that struck a bad chord in me and I don't trust that he's really done with her. I feel like he became attached to her and still is. He said it's over with her, but I'm disappointed in him. I don't believe him anymore. So I told him that it's over between us.

The people I consider good friends wouldn't spy on me or try to grief me. She hasn't IM'ed me, but I think she's not done making trouble. She likes to play with emotions. He sim banned her, but it's not enough for me. I feel like I never really knew him.

My true friends know that often I prefer to be alone. And working in SL is one of the things I love most. I love walking in Benares and looking at top scripts or looking at the houses to get build ideas (I'm working on a chateau, btw). I love to preview and upload my poses. I have a client who wants me to make some groundsits for him and I even have 1 pose at my vendor that I can modify slightly. I saw him asking for help at one of my group chats, it was a lucky catch. I haven't had anyone asking me to do custom work. But he has decided to give me a chance and I intend to prove myself...that I can be good. I love exploring sims to write for magazines or a SL guide book. And I've made some great art contacts through my assignments and work.

I haven't had luck with SL relationships. I have tried and I thought I'd give this guy a chance, but now it's done. He had his chance and it didn't work. I don't want any drama and so it ends here. He will beg me to stay, but I'll stand firm and I won't change my mind. It will be tough, but this is what I need to do. If I don't stand firm, there will be more pain. I can feel it.

A great song I've always liked:
Matt Goss, End of the road

It's a song of endings and beginnings. There is always tomorrow, hope for a better day.

I'll be okay, but right now I just feel so disappointed. Yes, I got my feelers bent. I learn the hard way, but I can learn.

He and I talked and I realized that I was too hasty. It was like I expected that he would just let me go. But he has proven to me that I shouldn't dump him just because of one bad friend and he fought with my temper and won. He nearly deleted me, I am quite sure. But then I realized that I sounded like an idiot and he was really mad...madder than I had ever expected. He didn't want me to go. He felt like we deserved a chance to keep going. I realized that he wasn't the enemy. I was just looking for a way to run away. I got scared. He didn't have to fight with me. He could've ended the conversation but he kept on fighting me. I'm still surprised at that. So he and I are a couple still. We had a big fight, but now we understand each other. He's good for me, I am convinced now.