Thursday, September 30, 2010

The Courage To Let Go

Today, Sept. 30, I finally let go. The first guy I fell for in sl, we're not friends anymore. I tried for 2 months, but it didn't work. I was trying to make it work and trying to get over him by being his friend again, but I just didn't feel any sincerity. I told him I felt "ill" to talk to him or even see his name, and I really meant it. He said he tried to make time for his friends, but I just didn't get any time unless I reached out to him. He said he hated confrontation. Well bub, if you don't want confrontation...don't wrong a friend in the first place. It's funny, he unbanned me just to talk this morning. What a jerk, right? Even when I knew about the ban from discovering it myself, he didn't apologize or remove the ban. I've been angry with him for almost 3 months, can you believe it? I'm not an angry person, really. But he just seems so cold and uncaring. I talk to him and I feel so cold and empty. Where was the warmth? It's all gone. Some friends are only good to you while you're still young, fresh, and vulnerable. When you get to a certain age, I'm told, the chances of being used are greatly reduced.

It's hard to let go. You need courage. I finally found my courage. I finally found the will. I'm going to move on. It has taken me awhile to realize that I have many friends who really care about me and wouldn't treat me like he treated me. And yes I thought about leaving SL, but then I thought..."Just because of one jerkoff? And what about my friends? That would be heartless." So I'm staying.

I figured out so many reasons not to let him get to me and to forget about him. So now, I'm letting go. It's difficult, but I know I can do it. Staying friends with him wasn't the right decision at all. I had to realize that though.

This entry was started a few days ago. I wrote down so many reasons to distrust the guy, but I decided not to include them here.

No matter where life takes us, we all need the courage to let go. We all need to back up and say, "What is stopping me from letting go?" or "Why am I still holding on?" I have figured out this issue, but I know there will be more to come. I just hope that I can keep my wits about me and figure out how to get through them all.

Take care,

Friday, September 24, 2010

Thinking too much

Sometimes it's a curse. You think too much and you feel so depressed. Thinking too much made Hamlet go insane. It can also keep me from writing. I have all these ideas stewing in my head, but there are times when I can't begin to put them down...translate them into words that sound coherent. Or perhaps they just seem so hackneyed or lame to my eyes and ears.

I was able to forgive a friend who "ditched" me. I'm not sure if that's really what happened, but it feels like it. Some people never want to admit to a thing like that...darn pride probably. They have so much self importance that they never want to concede their error...that they ever did anything so heinous as rejecting someone, a friend even...even for a brief period of time. Forgiveness is everything I think. That's how we move forward.

I read a friend's latest blog post, brinda's, and it really got me thinking. People come and go. She writes about Adric and how he passed away. He was a special person and he will be missed. I never met him but I feel like I know him. I feel a sense of loss. People leave and they leave marks behind, mostly on our hearts and in our mind...they leave an impression behind. I always try to treasure the people I know and their memories.

Digressing from that a bit, I recently lost 2 friendships. There was drama involved and even love was in the picture. I felt confused and trapped. I finally came clean about it and both friends wanted to part ways. It's sad, but if that's how it has to be, then that's it. They didn't want me to feel like I had to feel love, but in a sense, they wanted me to. Right now though, I don't want to get involved in a serious relationship. I admit that the thought of committing to one person scares me at the moment. I don't think I'm ready for that. One friend wanted me to move overseas, but I just can't do that and I don't want to consider that. It's selfish, but I have me to consider; I have my family to consider. I can't leave my family behind; they need me right now and I need them. I love them so much, how could I leave them? They raised me for so long. Going off because I think I love someone...that's just too impulsive and I know that I'm not that impulsive.

Anyway, the friend said that he understands me now and he believed I hadn't been sincere with him. The thing is, I was sincere and other times I wasn't. Most people can't stand answers like that, but it's the truth. I fluctuate between certainty and uncertainty, its part of being human too. I don't believe in clearly defining things in black and white. Life is complicated and the human brain is a complicated entity, and to do so would be over-simplifying life. And that's just not fair.

On the one hand I feel sad, but on the other hand I feel freer. It got to the point where I felt tangled. I kept on questioning my words and actions. I talked to good friends and they tried to alleviate my turmoil, but I still felt conflicted. I really didn't know what to do. So I realized that he had to back away, he had to understand. You can't force people to see your point or force them to act how you want them to act. I've always been anti-force and yes, I am a pacifist (maybe a mild one). Everything works out in the end, right?

People come and go but they leave a mark in our hearts and minds...an impression. It's hard to remove or forget. Let's just remember the goodness and always respect them. My sympathy goes out to Adric and all other good people who leave this world. May they find solace wherever they are.

Take care.


Sunday, September 19, 2010

Learning to heal through understanding

Lately or for quite awhile now, I've been thinking about life and my life. I have had a lot of time to think, since finishing school (finally, right?). You get out and you think...what a feeling! Insert flash dance song and choreography here. Haha, you know you love it! :-D

Anyway, I've realized that I haven't lost anything. A friend used to take me out dancing on SL every night for about a month, after I joined. Then he stopped and found another woman. It hurt and it still does. But I've come to understand that he and I were too much alike. Sure we got along well, but we're both reticent and serious. It wasn't that fun, but we were sweet to one another. People need to be with their opposites. I know I need some outgoing person to get me to laugh and be silly. I can't be silly with a serious person. But on the other hand, some funny people don't mind us serious people. It must take patience and practice. Haha. What would the world be like without the easygoing people? It would be some kind of horrible, maybe. The world needs different personalities to be lively and beautiful.

For awhile, I thought it was my fault. I blamed myself for being boring or maybe being too childish. The thing is, I'm fine the way I am. My age doesn't matter. He said "You're young", as if I could never understand him on account of a number. Age is a number and it doesn't accurately portray someone's maturity level. Quipping about age, that's just some ridiculous excuse to politely or impolitely (depending on your perspective) reject someone, not just for relationships but also for things like jobs and parties. I never thought of us in a relationship, but now I see that it was. We were exclusive, as they call it. We had to meet everyday and every night. We'd always be talking. Every second, we'd be furiously typing. And when it ended, I was so crushed. He says he likes me still, but I'm moving on. I don't want to be the "third wheel" on the bicycle. I want to find something better and just feel better about myself.

But it's not my loss. It's his loss. I was good to him and that's how he repaid me. I told him about myself. And yet, he put off telling me about the other woman. There are some things he never told me. He was always aloof. I just thought I should give him some space. The woman got him, because she pushed him, but in a way that didn't seem like pushing. That's impressive, I got to say. You can call it flirting, but I know now that it's subtle manipulation mixed with flirting. But hey, women should know how to handle men. That's just how it goes. It's about survival and getting out on top. Sometimes "the squeaky wheel gets the grease", as the saying goes. And knowing some tricks serves you well. I guess I'm not the type, but that's ok.

I feel like I learned a valuable lesson here. Sometimes, you just have to push. If the other side doesn't budge, then it's not meant to be. But you have to at least try. Even if they can't stand the pushing but you get what you want...isn't it worth it? Well, not always, it can be though. Being passive or considerate when it comes to men or jobs...it just doesn't work.

I feel stronger now. Though, I'll still have days when I feel bad about myself. However, if a person leaves you...it may not be your fault. You have to think about it, really reason it out based on any past details you remember (I remember a lot and I can be pretty perceptive and sensitve at times). In this case, it's not my fault. I was being me. I was being sweet, agreeable, and....just myself.

I want to thank all the good friends I have who have been there for me. I love you and I treasure your friendship! I don't take you for granted and I won't ditch you, even if I should find the love of my life or just a serious lover. Friends are honest and friends don't just drop a bomb on you and expect you to be okay with it, even after a month. Some people take awhile to recover. Well, enough said about that.

Here's a song I heard this weekend. I love it. I heard it when I was walking in the mall this weekend. This is Five For Fighting, Above the Timberline. It's from their latest cd, Slice. :-)

I love the band, ever since I heard "Superman" and "A hundred years".

Monday, September 13, 2010

Literacy in the United States

Days ago I decided to look up statistics about the literacy rate in the United States. I wrote a post about literacy earlier this year. That book was written in the 80s, but literacy has not improved. If anything, it has worsened. That is really worrying. I want to relearn Excel, since I feel like I've forgotten how to use it. And I have some weak areas. So I find stats from 2003 and even 1994. Can I find anything more recent? No. And that really got me thinking. Has there been a record of literacy since No Child Left Behind was enacted? I'm looking and looking, but I haven't found anything. Ok so today, I find something in CIA Factbook. It's not as specific as I want. I was looking at literacy by state, as well as estimated population. But in CIA Factbook, it averages literacy in the United States. But get this, there's a note that says that literacy was recorded from individuals 15 and upwards. The percentage was 99%. Umm...really? How many people took the survey? What walks of life did they come from? It doesn't say. That's a great percentage, but I can't believe that. I want to believe it, but I know that a lot of people 15 and younger or even in their 20s, are hooked on Nintendo Wii, Grand Theft Auto, or some other video stuff that has them hooked. With all those distractions, who wants to pick up a book and read? I like to read, but some would call me odd. I didn't grow up playing nintendo or always watching TV. I watched some TV, but mostly I liked to play outside or run around the house (sometimes getting into trouble lol). I was a very active kid, until the 5th grade when I started getting more serious about studying.

Where are the statistics? Can I find some from 2005 or 2008? Or did Bush disallow that? I don't really know. And I'll keep looking. I might have to give up. Or since it's just Excel practice, I'll make up percentages. We'll see. I'm usually good at finding information online. It has me perplexed. By the way, I'm reading Dostoevsky's Crime and Punishment. It's my second time and I am nearing the end of the tome. It's a heavy, dark book but it really gets you thinking. Even if you kill for a good cause and the person you kill is like an ogre, is it justified? The protagonist thinks so, but later...I think he changes his mind. It's guilt that really torments his mind and soul. Actually, Rodion reminds me of a person I know. They're anti-social, they think a lot, very nervous type, but they're intelligent and can be charming. I'm mildly anti-social, but when I need to be, I can mingle. But I can't say I love mingling. Lol, and I digress. Must be an artsy fartsy thing.

In other news, the drama is over. Whew! It's scary. I want to stay above it as much as I can. I want to have fun and learn. I don't want a messy, complicated relationship. I'm not into dating either. If I find him, I find him. If not, I can "try it on my own", as Whitney Houston sings.

There's a lot of weird stuff going on in SL. Like last night until this afternoon, I was ghosting. I found a fix, but it ain't easy. I'll try it next time. Apparently, there is no fix for ghosting...no way to prevent it. If you go into a parcel and you check about land and it doesn't look right, you must get out quick. Or if you can't move, but you can turn and stuff, you have to log out right away and log back in. That should work. Those are if you catch it in time. If not...clear cache, log in from a different location (Bonifacio works for me, near Morris), or you just try to keep pressing enter and slip in when the server is busy letting other users in, so she sneak past, so to speak. It makes sense. So much to learn.

Here's the Whitney Houston video. It is one of my latest favorites, besides Free Loop which I posted in an earlier post.


Saturday, September 11, 2010

Weekend and some thoughts

As you know, today is September 11th. Very sad day for America. I was and still am so devastated by what happened that morning nine years ago. Oh, how the mighty can fall.

Last night I watched Michael Moore's Sicko. It was a very emotional movie for me. I know what it's like to not have health insurance. My parents have gotten laid off a few times. One time I was even home schooled.You never forget. In Sicko, Moore visits 3 workers who helped out during the cleaning of Ground Zero. All had major health problems, but because they were volunteers the city would not pay for their health costs. So, they had to suffer and try to get what little care they could...so tragic. And yet in Gitmo, detainees get proper treatment and everything they need...isn't that just loverly? :P What Moore does is take these workers along with others to Cuba to get proper treatment (tries to get them into Gitmo, doesn't work of course, ya have to be a horrid terrorist to get in.) Cuba, the most evil country in the world! Right? WRONG. The workers got the right treatment and really felt better and the Cuban firemen gave them a hero's welcome and invited them over to the fire station. It was really touching and I couldn't help crying.

What is wrong with this world we live in? Even Cuba has better health care than us and they're not nearly as wealthy as we are. Imagine that! In Britain, Canada, and France...they just help the people who need help.

In SL, there's some drama. It's so sad when people take things so seriously and get hurt. It really hurts me to see it. It's supposed to be fun. I have to remember that and concentrate on doing what I like...writing, exploring, and learning to build. I'll tackle scripting later, but I can take classes from time to time. And of course, there's wiki.



Friday, September 10, 2010

Farewell to the Lead of Lyte Funkie Ones (LFO)

Yesterday, teen idol Rich Cronin of LFO died from Leukemia. He was only 35. He lost his struggle with cancer. I was heartbroken and still am. One of my favorite songs was "summer girls" even if he said "chinese food makes me sick" (I love Chinese food). It's just a funny, cute song. Even though much of it is Rap, it doesn't make me feel annoyed or like there's any hostility in it. I've heard a lot of Rap and it always seems to get on my nerves...it's mostly the lyrics that get to me...even more than the loud beat. I like a good beat, but people turn it up so high that it sounds like oppressive drumming like a powerful war drum. And war isn't something pleasant to hear about or think about. Incidentally, my family supports DAV..Disabled American Veterans. It's a good organization. I also hope that Veteran Affairs is treating the Vets better than they were years ago.

Besides "Summer girls", I remember "West side story" and "Every other time." Those songs just represent a happy time for me and the heyday of Pop music, as I've heard it being called. Life seemed more cheerful and the economy wasn't such a big disaster like it is today. But enough about that.

I encourage you to listen to songs from happier times. Today I listened to a few songs by Daniel Powter: "Free loop" and "bad day." They start out sad but then they build up and their underlying message is that you can take something sad or bad and make it into something positive. I've noticed that some comedians do that in their comedy routines. You should watch the music videos. I enjoyed watching them. The links are down below.

Summer girls:

Every other time:

West Side Story:

Free loop:

Bad day:http:http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gH476CxJxfg&feature=player_detailpage

Second Life to This Newbie

Hello! I'm back. I've decided to incorporate some of my Second Life experiences here. I joined SL on the night of July 4, 2010. It was around 11pm. I had heard about SL before, but I didn't really know what it was. I heard it was a cool place where people could host events without having to leave their house or whatever. And so I've been a member ever since. My avatar is over 2 months old. I've met some great people and have had some fun times. However, I have also had some hard times too.

The thing that really saddens me is that Emerald Viewer is gone. That was the best viewerI ever used. My friend, brinda, suggested that I use it so I installed it and used it for most of my life on SL. I learned building, saving outfits, taking pictures, and more with that viewer and with brinda and other good friends. Before that, I was using SL version 2.0. Sadly, that viewer is lacking. There is now a 2.1, but the improvements in it have been small...so I've heard from some of its users. So now I use Emergence or Phoenix. A few things though. Emergence has random crashes due to memory leaks. The fix is in the latest drivers. I heard that NVIDIA has new drivers that just came out. NVIDIA is good, so if I can get the money, I will consider buying NVIDIA drivers.Regarding Phoenix, I sometimes use the debut version. There is now an update since yesterday or the day before, but I've heard some complaints about it. People complain that you have to reset the settings because they're not saved. Well yes, it's a new version and what you download from the site, is just the default version without any of your changes, no surprises there. Another complaint is the camera problems. One user I talked to last night said that she couldn't get the camera to angle the way it used to. The camera view was above her head. I tried to help her by going into the preferences dialog box, but nothing seemed to help. From what I hear, Phoenix devs haven't ironed out that problem yet. Until they fix that issue, I won't be updating Phoenix. I also want to be sure that Phoenix is stable. It's still new, as is Emergence, but Emergence is working fine for me.

I like to build things in SL. My skills are still basic, but that's why I'm taking classes. I also want to learn scripting.

Well, I must go for now. I will write more later.