Friday, September 24, 2010

Thinking too much

Sometimes it's a curse. You think too much and you feel so depressed. Thinking too much made Hamlet go insane. It can also keep me from writing. I have all these ideas stewing in my head, but there are times when I can't begin to put them down...translate them into words that sound coherent. Or perhaps they just seem so hackneyed or lame to my eyes and ears.

I was able to forgive a friend who "ditched" me. I'm not sure if that's really what happened, but it feels like it. Some people never want to admit to a thing like that...darn pride probably. They have so much self importance that they never want to concede their error...that they ever did anything so heinous as rejecting someone, a friend even...even for a brief period of time. Forgiveness is everything I think. That's how we move forward.

I read a friend's latest blog post, brinda's, and it really got me thinking. People come and go. She writes about Adric and how he passed away. He was a special person and he will be missed. I never met him but I feel like I know him. I feel a sense of loss. People leave and they leave marks behind, mostly on our hearts and in our mind...they leave an impression behind. I always try to treasure the people I know and their memories.

Digressing from that a bit, I recently lost 2 friendships. There was drama involved and even love was in the picture. I felt confused and trapped. I finally came clean about it and both friends wanted to part ways. It's sad, but if that's how it has to be, then that's it. They didn't want me to feel like I had to feel love, but in a sense, they wanted me to. Right now though, I don't want to get involved in a serious relationship. I admit that the thought of committing to one person scares me at the moment. I don't think I'm ready for that. One friend wanted me to move overseas, but I just can't do that and I don't want to consider that. It's selfish, but I have me to consider; I have my family to consider. I can't leave my family behind; they need me right now and I need them. I love them so much, how could I leave them? They raised me for so long. Going off because I think I love someone...that's just too impulsive and I know that I'm not that impulsive.

Anyway, the friend said that he understands me now and he believed I hadn't been sincere with him. The thing is, I was sincere and other times I wasn't. Most people can't stand answers like that, but it's the truth. I fluctuate between certainty and uncertainty, its part of being human too. I don't believe in clearly defining things in black and white. Life is complicated and the human brain is a complicated entity, and to do so would be over-simplifying life. And that's just not fair.

On the one hand I feel sad, but on the other hand I feel freer. It got to the point where I felt tangled. I kept on questioning my words and actions. I talked to good friends and they tried to alleviate my turmoil, but I still felt conflicted. I really didn't know what to do. So I realized that he had to back away, he had to understand. You can't force people to see your point or force them to act how you want them to act. I've always been anti-force and yes, I am a pacifist (maybe a mild one). Everything works out in the end, right?

People come and go but they leave a mark in our hearts and minds...an impression. It's hard to remove or forget. Let's just remember the goodness and always respect them. My sympathy goes out to Adric and all other good people who leave this world. May they find solace wherever they are.

Take care.



Brinda said...

Vic in my younger days...actually all my life until I was in my late forties...I was absolutely certain that everything could be relegated to either/or.
Things were either black..or white, things were either true or false.
Today I understand that everything is shades of gray...
Well, there is one exception that comes to mind...and only one.
A female is either pregnant or not.
There is no shade of gray there, one can't be "a little pregnant".

Listen with an open heart and don't try to remember so much...remember, there is no test at the end.
A quote from the book *Illusions* by Richard Bach:
"Your only obligation in any lifetime is to be true to yourself".....

Lenoirre said...

Haha yeah, the pregnant situation. I heard that one a couple years back.

Thanks, brinda. And I also remember Thoreau or Emerson saying that you have to be true to yourself, no matter what others want of you. It's from the essay "Self-Reliance."