Wednesday, April 20, 2011

Always Lost in Thought

How much of our waking life are we lost in thought? How long do we spend just living in our heads?

Days ago I admitted to myself that I am lonely. I am busy to ease that loneliness. In a way, it helps me through that time. But it also fulfills a need in me to do something. Dancing or talking is something, but I can not just do those in and of themselves...just those 2 activities.

People are amazed when they hear about what I do. It could be considered overkill: writing, building, Qavimator, GIMP, blogging, shopping, exploring. Is that all I do? Well, I do dance with friends from time to time. And I can stand around in a lobby, but that's seldom. Are they intimidated? I wonder about that. Probably. I asked a friend and he said, "I'm not." Well, I know that. He's known me for more than 6 months. By this summer, it'll be a year..August I believe. Seek and ye shall find. I searched and my search led me to him. He's a manager of a SL organization, a landlord, a SL content creator and a good friend. We can talk about real life or sl. We understand that. We dated once or twice, but we agreed that we'd be better as friends. And it was the right choice, not that he wouldn't make a great boyfriend...he would. But he can be just as supportive and caring as my friend. I trust him and he trusts me too. That's one of the highest compliments that I could ever receive.

I asked him what whould he do if SL shut down. He said he didn't know. He told me he knows of Avination. I told him I would go to Inworldz. Well, I hope SL will be around longer. I feel that SL is my only link to him. I'd miss his friendship and his words. He knows what to say to calm me. He doesn't even have to say a lot or try hard. I hope that his real life is wonderful and well.

Last week or so, I mentioned Tsali and how I felt betrayed. I realize he wasn't who I thought he was. Things like this they just shatter your image of a person. You think...who the hell is this person? Where am I? What? Huh? You just feel clueless and dazed. He hasn't changed, I have. I can see clearer now and it is freeing. Sometimes waiting can seem tense. You wait for the question to come or the talk to arise. When it never does...you're off the hook. You're A-OK. And I will be okay, I am okay.

Do I think of finding love someday? Yes. Doesn't everyone? I just haven't found it yet.

I have many friends who are there for me. And I have my hobbies and interests. Life just isn't life if it's a few limited things. I need to do a lot to feel full. If someone can't deal with that...that's their problem. The song I like now is I Look to You by Whitney Houston. "When all my strength is gone, in you I can be strong...I look to you..."

I try to be very tolerant. But when someone whines about me always being busy...I can't take that. Of course, it depends on the person's attitude. But if they complain and bitch about it and how their other friends are so busy...I'm sorry. But I'm not responsible for your happiness. YOU make your own happiness. It's all concocted in the mind.

1 comment:

Brinda said...

My word! I suspect youre growing up.
As my dear friend Bulli has on her profile...
"Never make someone your priority if they consider you and option."

The love you seek you will find...
likely when you least suspect it.

And you must know, you are so loved sweety.