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Saturday, August 08, 2009

Unexpected event

Today I saw an old crush, grouchy guy. I was with my parents and we were entering the pool area. He was sitting at the front desk. When I saw him, I kept on walking. But I was shocked, that I kept on staring as I walked forward. I did not stop until I bumped into my mom's bag. I had not been watching where I was going. She had realized that my dad was talking to him and she needed to let him swipe her swim pass. As I was staring at him, his eyes were looking right back at me. Our eyes were locked and I could not look away. I cannot remember anything like that happening to me before. And when we left the pool, he was the only one who said "bye" and he said it in such a cheerful tone. I had never heard him sound so happy before. Before that, he leaned back in his chair and let out a low "argh!"

My mom said that his eyes looked puffy and smaller, but I did not notice. All I saw were his eyes and his hair. He has cut it short. It used to be curly and longer. He does look meaner, even meaner than the last time I saw him after my college graduation ceremony. So apparently, he has gone back to work at the pool over the summer. I have no idea if he will be back tomorrow or next weekend. I do not know when he will leave or if he will be working at the pool next summer. I am just happy to have seen him again. I like looking into his eyes and looking at him. He is like a dream...an unattainable dream to me. But when he looks at me, I feel like I am an unattainable dream to him as well. I feel beautiful and it is quite a heady feeling. So I think I am almost over him.

Who am I not over? That English/Philosophy major boy. I shall call him Italian boy. I think of him or I see his name and I still feel hurt. With his eyes and his body language, he tells me that he likes me and yet he is afraid to admit it. He tries to avoid me, as if he can escape his feelings...as if he can forget his feelings for me and the moments we spent together in college. I will be over him, but I need time. I wonder how long will it take. Half a year? A year? Two years? It seems like it takes a long time for me to heal. And each time I heal, I find someone else to become infatuated with. I wish I could prevent that from happening. I wish I could be numb and not feel tenderness or fondness for any man who is nice or attractive. Maybe I should think that all guys are bad. But then I will be a man-hater, no? I do not want that either. So what can I do? Is the answer right in front of me?

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