Light Within Darkness

The Holidays and a flurry of activity

2011-12-30T23:14:00.001-05:00

Such is life, always something going on.

I had a nice Christmas holiday. I hope you all did too. It's nice to have family and friends to spend it with. Plus, I was glad that it didn't snow a lot in my area. I have never liked snow. I always manage to get wet, my socks or my pants....whatever. LOL.

In SL, on Christmas Eve, I got engaged to my friend and love Roo who I've known since late October. I met him at Morris, where I first rezzed as a newbie. I was missing my mentor, so I went to visit. I was standing around just watching people talking and walking by me. Brinda would watch people in Morris, to see which ones looked lost or kept to themselves, kind of standing in the corner. Anyway, I see a quadroped Alaskan wolf avatar walk by. He asks for the time, saying he wants to see how long he'll be in SL until he crashes. He had computer issues, something to do with hardware. I forget the specifics. Roo was the one who told him the time and I offered to help keep track of time as well. Roo then asks the wolf man how he can walk on four legs. Roo had a fox avatar that only walked on 2 legs. I started listening and eventually, I was standing near where the wolf and Roo were talking. Eventually the wolf crashes, but I keep talking to Roo and I friend him. And ever since that day, we've been friends. That was a great afternoon, though at the time it felt ordinary.

I love the ring he got me. It's not the most expensive one and it's not on the first page of the engagement section, thankfully. The ones on the front page are too flashy, too lavish, and too expensive. LOL. In any life, I don't like to spend a lot on things like jewelry or clothing.

Just weeks before, I had unpartnered Lrak and was feeling so lost and desolate. Lrak is a good man, but his real life was keeping him busy. I realized I just wasn't happy with him. We hardly communicated.

Days before I unpartnered Lrak, I realized that I had feelings for Roo. Roo made me feel valued and that he cared and wouldn't let me fret for weeks on end, not know what was going on with him. Life just seems lighter and happier with Roo. It feels great to be appreciated. My hope is that he remains in my life for a very very long time.

In terms of animating, I've been working on some AO stands and walks. One client is happy with a set of Babylon 5 stand and walk I made just for him. It was a challenge loading the animations into the hud, having never done it before. Then I needed to explain it to him. But, I managed okay and so far, I have not had any complaints from him. The other client is working on a Steampunk AO. I am working on a walk for him then he has other animations he needs. I should have the other animations for him in a few weeks.

Be safe, warm, and happy this winter season! Be you!

On that note, I wish you all a Happy New Year 2012!

Vic

Honesty, Morality, and Caring

2011-12-12T14:04:00.000-05:00

I'm always amazed at how easy it is to befriend and connect with others on the Worldwide Web. I tend to think of it as a good thing, but it isn't always so.

Online relationships and friendships can move so quickly. Emotions run high.

And then something happens that makes you doubt them and yourself.

Last night, I unpartnered. I had been considering it since last month. He just hadn't been there much for me. I felt out of touch with him. It felt like a sort of abandonment or like I didn't really matter. He did tell me he wouldn't be around much, and I thought I could tolerate it. But at some point I started to think, he has a PC and he works on it at least once a week. So why can't he take a few minutes to compose an email to me at least once a week? I don't know. It seems like he didn't care enough. Even if I have a million things to do, I'd always keep in touch with those closest to my heart.

And so, I'm moving on. I want to focus on the things I love the most and the friends who I love and the friends who can make time for me. The ones who leave you feeling empty....those aren't your true friends. Not a thought or tear should be wasted on them.

Here's to hoping...

Vic

About using alternate accounts in SL

2011-11-24T16:12:00.002-05:00

I remember first learning about alts from my mentor. She told me she had about 20. I was shocked. I even got to meet a few of her alts. But I realized that she had alts for work and so she wouldn't be as distracted so she could do work around her sim or get pictures for her blog with few interruptions.

Today I finally took pics of my main alt, Angelina. I use Angelina to help with building, exploring, and for holding some lindens. I used to use her for a photo model back when I worked for Wonderful Evenings. That was my first SL job and I met my first editor in SL. I will never forget him and I hope to talk to him again soon. He is truly a wonderful friend to me. He wasn't just an editor to me, he was someone I felt like I could talk to.

Thanks to Giancarlo, a friend of mine, who owns LIM, Less is More, for the cyber eyes. The ones I wear are the prototypes. Now, he has 2 versions out that can be altered through a HUD. It's so much easier to use than those HUDS for shoes. LOL. I find that funny. I own the V3 deus ex version. He's a great scripter and a great builder too. Here's his store in marketplace.

I took these at an Elven glen. I thought it was a nice place to change my windlight settings in.

The night before, I took part in a photohunt.

I'm having fun taking pics. My friend Graham has been giving me tips to improve my photo skills and I've been experimenting on my own too.

Lest I forget, happy thanksgiving all of you! Enjoy the turkey, stuff, desserts, and being around the ones you care about.

Best regards,

Vic

Friends and letting go

2011-11-12T16:23:00.000-05:00

It's been awhile since I last wrote and I'm sorry. I wonder how my mentor was able to update her blog so frequently and yet, she was so very busy. She was really amazing. I can still feel her spirit in me. She touched me like an angel and she is never gone from my life, just not as near as before.

So much has happened since I last wrote. I want to say first off how grateful I am for friends. I am blessed to have friends that stick by me through the fun and rough and tumbling times. I know I have good friends who will stand by me and put up with me. I know I'm not the most easygoing person to be around, but I try my best to be fair and kind to those I appreciate and love. That is what counts in the end.

Lately I have been unfriended a few times. I will not get into details here. It is unsettling and could get longwinded. My point is that in all those cases, I meant well...my heart was in the right place, but the listener took offense and decided to walk away. A wise woman would tell me that it wasn't my fault. I was honest and said what I could. But in the end, you can't control how people accept your words. As a writer, I should know that. But I let my helpful/protective instincts blur my reason and I came on too strong. I was even accused of causing "intentional" hurt and being too domineering. I never meant to come off like that. I am truly and deeply sorry for that.

I can only hope that someday, all will be forgiven. And if those friends truly love me and forgive me, they will come back.

Y asi es la vida,

Vic

Updates from Lady V?

2011-11-12T16:15:00.000-05:00

Hi lovelies!

Sorry for not updating, busy in RL with work.

I am getting ideas for new poses.

In the meantime, I will start work on a male AO, my first ever! I am so excited about it! It was originally for a client, but he didn't want to pay my rate. So with the help of my friend Amon, I will get started and get it out as soon as I can!

Finding Value Around us

2011-09-28T21:25:00.001-04:00

As some of you know, Benares will be off the map soon. Brinda's account has been locked by Linden Labs. So tonight, I headed back to Benares and teleported to my old parcel. I walked to the back of the lot, Benares 20 (yes every parcel has a number) and I looked at the stone waterfall head. I remember the night brinda rezzed it and created sprays of water under it and made a small stream of water for me. It always fascinated me to watch her build and create. She always knew what she was doing. And had she had the time, I think she would've been a great scripter.

Wanting to know where the waterfall head was from I clicked Edit and clicked to view the profile of the Creator. Her name is Ante Flan. Her store is Toasty Subject. The landmark is below.

Ante Flan's Toasty Subject http://maps.secondlife.com/secondlife/Ryder%20Haven/228/29/28

Since she left, I've had a hard time settling my mind about some things. I've finally realized I don't need a home sim. Well I need one to build or escape, but it's not my home unless there's love around me. I only want to be where I feel happy. Now I realize that there's value in every person, whether we like them or not. Even if we hate that person, they're still valuable. We shouldn't judge them if they're unpleasant or spiteful, not that we have to love them either. I was talking to a friend and it suddenly became clear. I feel really empowered whenever I talk to him. I really do feel lucky to be his friend. Thank you, Lucky.

I took these two pictures while I was at Toasty Subect. I think brinda must've gotten a good laugh out of the sign outside.

In case you can't read that the sign says "We are open if you like Free Shit - MGMT." heh heh

This is a bit of the inside view. If you'll notice the floor, you can pick up some cute freebies here like a free inflatable raft. Won't you just float along and see the value in others?

It's a Brand New Day

2011-09-25T14:53:00.000-04:00

Yesterday, September 24, my dear friend and partner, Lrak, celebrated his first Rez day! I was fortunate to have been able to spend some time with him. He was with me when I celebrated my first Rez day too back in July. He has been so good to me and he means so much to me. I once thought Benares was my home and maybe it still is. But now, I feel like my home is with the friends I love and care about. Home really IS where the heart is. And Lrak is one of those special, close friends.

We partnered on September 2nd, 2011. We would have partnered sooner but circumstances over which we had no control, delayed our plans. I don't regret delaying the partnership. We've kept in touch and now we're finally really a couple in SL.

Wherever I go, wherever my journey leads me to....I know that Lrak will always have a place in my heart. We'll always be close friends. We'll always love each other.

And now, I give you "Brand New Day" by Sting, the song that inspired this post of mine.

Changing Ways

2011-09-11T10:20:00.000-04:00

In life, there are things that move us or cause us to move. It could be something as simple as changing a hairstyle or something major like relocating to a new place. Either way, we all have a journey to proceed by. It is never easy to take those initial steps away from the comfort and safety of the old way, but it is necessary in order for us to flourish and discover who we really are, to find and reach our potential.

Last week, I made 2 changes in SL. I quit as a sim manager and I quit as a blog manager and writer for Rez magazine. Neither task was easy for me, but it was something I felt like I had to do. Will I return to those positions? I don't know. All I know is that I need a breather from those jobs. I need time to settle my emotions....a tangled web of emotions that is sometimes crippling. I try hard to fight them, but it's not something easily defeated. Those 2 positions were starting to drag me down, just the frustration I felt in the end. So, I'm on an indefinite hiatus.

I'll still be inworld though. I have friends I want to talk to and spend time with and I have some animations to make for a few people. I really enjoy being with friends and animating. I know it'll do me a lot of good.

Also, I intend to start learning Wings 3d and Blender. I've started with Wings first. Wings will help me to learn how to use keyboard shortcuts, tweak sculpts, and get used to working on a 3d plane. Blender is a bit more complex, but I think I can learn it.

Until soon,

Vic

It has been ten years

2011-09-11T10:07:00.000-04:00

Ten years ago, 9/11 ocurred. It shook me to the core as well as the world. Life has never been the same for any of us. I know my world perspective has changed. I attribute that event to my need to learn more about Politics, World affairs, and being willing to be open to other cultures.

While there is still anger and fear for terrorists and suspicions that anyone around us could be a terrorist, there is also concern about how the United States is acting as a player on the World stage. Are we acting with respect, integrity, and honesty towards other countries? Are we trying to get along with others? How do we want future generations to remember us? These are just a few questions I can think of right now, this morning.

Time goes on, but the mind always remembers. And I do hope that 9/11 has changed all of us for the better. We should all strive to be upright and true to our morals and standards of life.

No matter what, we must not be blinded by hate, paranoia, or pain. It is a wonderful life and we should live safely and happily.

Here's to hoping we'll succed in our endeavors to that effect,

Vic

One year for the Phoenix Viewer Team!

2011-09-10T20:32:00.000-04:00

Last Saturday, September 3rd was the anniversary of the Phoenix Viewer Team! I was able to attend the celebration for about an hour. I heard the speeches made by Arrehn Oberlander and Jessica Lyon. The speech was recorded by metamix tv. Go here to hear the speech.

Afterwards there was music and dancing. Over 50 avatars were at the sim while I was there during the first hour. It was a great showing of support for Phoenix.

I remember feeling so excited when I downloaded the first ever version of Phoenix. I loved it! And every time I download the latest from Phoenix, I always feel that excitement, because I know it will be good. Plus, the support team is awesome! They have been very helpful to me and I am so grateful to them. The developers work tirelessly.

Happy belated birthday to the team!

Wishing you well,
Vic

Rezzing to You…Firestorm

2011-09-07T22:16:00.001-04:00

A look at Firestorm Beta
Firestorm…the new It viewer in SL! If you haven’t tried Firestorm, you should. It is a new viewer created by the team that brought you the widely successful Phoenix viewer. Firestorm is V2-based, so it is like V2 but with a lot of Phoenix features. To try it out, just go to phoenixviewer.com, navigate to the Downloads page, and click on the link for the Public Beta version, 2.5.2.16922.

As of September 6th, there is a Beta version 3 out that is mesh compatible, so you can see mesh. You will be able to upload mesh as soon as coding for that is finished. Keep checking the Phoenix main site for updates.

I have been in SL for over a year, long enough to get a feel for many SL viewers. Viewer 2, Emerald, Imprudence, Emergence, Cool Viewer, Dolphin Viewer, Metabolt (once), Kirsten’s viewer, Phoenix, and now Firestorm. They are all interesting and complex viewers. It’s hard to compare them against each other. Frankly, I do not mean for this article to state which is the best or which one you should use. Personally, I feel most comfortable with Imprudence or Phoenix…though I’m getting better at using Firestorm…having used it and struggled with it when it was in the preview stages. Since Phoenix viewer came out, I was a member of the group and I still am. When I can, I help out in chat. It pleases me to help others, not that I desire to be on the ever-growing support team. I have enough in SL to keep me busy and then some. Man, those devs and group members are awesome!

I want to put Firestorm viewer in perspective. By now, you have probably heard through the grape vine that Linden Labs plans to pull all the V1-based viewers off the grid eventually (no news on when), so we’ll all be forced to use V2-based viewers or Viewer 2. I am sure many if not most of you are grumbling about it…using a Viewer 2 or Viewer 2-like viewer does not sound enjoyable. I understand, having struggled with Viewer 2 and using other viewers that are very similar to Viewer 2. However that being said, it is not a complete tragedy. Firestorm is the latest Viewer 2-based viewer and while it uses Viewer 2 code and the UI (user interface) looks a lot like Viewer 2, it is actually easier to handle. You can change skins like say you don’t want to see the sidebar, use the Firestorm Grey skin, the default skin. That is the skin I use. If you want to see the draw distance slider, use one of the Starlight skins. The Starlight skins come in several colors like teal and silver blue, while the default Firestorm skin only comes in grey. But I am digressing here. My point is that it is not so horrible that Viewer 1 viewers will go extinct. I am sad and I know I will miss those viewers, but everything changes and time only goes forward. We live in a progressive time of life. Nothing stays the same and things are constanly being improved.

That said I truly understand how difficult it is to switch to a Viewer2 based viewer. I have used Viewer 2 before and I had trouble even figuring out how to make a notecard (I forgot what version that was, but I ended up writing on a notecard I had created in a different viewer.). It’s laughable, but it is little things like that that can make changing to new viewers so overwhelming and frustrating. When I get frantic, I try to calmly ask questions in Support chat or in any help groups I’m in; and just framing the question can calm me down, because I know that I need to make sense so that others can try to help me. Those groups are valuable and terrific, so if you feel grateful…please thank them. They work hard to keep people coming back for help and support. And they do all this for free, so don’t take them for granted or be unnecessarily rude. You’re wasting your time and you’re wasting their time. We all get frustrated but that doesn’t justify lashing out.

Often maybe even on a daily basis, I see people in chat complain about how hard it is to use Firestorm and how they want to go back to Phoenix. They storm off (pun intended) or they keep on whining in chat, giving most active users in chat a bit of a headache, to state it lightly. Instead of whining, they could be listening more attentively to what people on the support team or other members are trying to convey to them…that Firestorm is usable and it is still being developed. Public Beta still has some kinks and problems (what viewer doesn’t?), but it has improved and will continue improving. Everyone in group is working hard to make Firestorm the best it can be. So whether you self-compile, manipulate code, file Jiras (at the Support page of the Phoenix website), or help out in Support chat…you are definitely making a difference.

I asked for statements from Jessica Lyon and Ed Merryman, the two leads of the Phoenix/Firestorm team and here is what they said:

Jessica Lyon:

While Firestorm is based from the LL V2 viewer, we have worked very hard in making it as customizable as humanly possible. We have accomplished a great deal in fact, though it isn't obvious at first look. The most common complaints seem to come from people who logged in, saw the side bar and immediately logged back out saying it's just like V2. This is unfortunate because Firestorm can in fact be made to look just like Phoenix and V1 with very little effort.

It's also very important that people understand viewers like Phoenix took years to get to where it is now in the way of features. Most people in SL now were born into SL when most of these features already existed. This makes it hard for people to understand why they aren't already in Firestorm. The reality is Firestorm is still very much in its infancy, yet has already advanced miles ahead by way of features added in time. It is already the fastest growing viewer by way of usage, averaging about 30% increase in usage per week for the last month. This is something never achieved by any viewer, it's practically a phenomenon and we are very proud of it.

The plans we have for Firestorm in the future near and far will be outstanding and more innovative than anything yet seen in a viewer in second life. This is the dawn of a new era in viewer technology and capability we are witnessing together. We are grateful to our early adopters and ask our users to show patience as we progress further and further into making Firestorm the best viewer Second Life has ever seen.

Ed Merryman:

Firestorm is different, it’s not Phoenix, and it’s not V2 either, rather it is a hybrid. That said I suspect that it would be an easier transition from V2 to Firestorm than from Phoenix. The Phoenix team are suggesting that people download Firestorm, install and use it when you are not busy doing something important, in order to learn and get used to the differences. We have a large and growing body of documentation at http://wiki.phoenixviewer.com/doku.php?id=firestorm to help you out as well as free classes and our support group where you can ask questions. Frankly the one thing that frustrates me is when people install it, log in, take one look and log out without seeing what you can actually do to make it more usable. This is the most customisable viewer for SL I have seen. Take one look at Jessica's video at http://www.youtube.com/user/PhoenixViewerSL#p/a/u/0/3y4PH0rczJQ and you'll get the idea.

Remembrance Ceremony for brinda

2011-08-24T11:18:00.003-04:00

On Saturday night, August 20, at 7pm SLT, there was a memorial service for brinda. It was a truly solemn occassion, presided over by myself, Ling, and Breye. The turnout was great. Some bloggers came like Abernathy Button and Crap Mariner, Angela was there and many others.

We were all there to remember a great one who touched all of our lives. No pictures were taken, but I did take note of what was said that night. I stayed for the entire service.

It was a gathering of family and love. I just want to include some things that were said about her that night. Brinda made us smile. She always gave of herself to others. She was never "exclusive." She was "honorable. balanced.
non-judgemental. wise and true." We remembered how she was understanding and a good listener, but also how she could give us quite a scolding if we said something wrong or got into scrapes. But when she chastised us, we deserved it and we tended to take it well. We knew she did it out of love and honesty. Her love was unselfish and true.

Some of us have fond memories of exploring sims with her, even if she had been to the sim a thousand times before. She always had this appreciation for builders and sim creators and owners. To her, it never got old. She was always amazed and admiring of their skill. Brinda was a big supporter of building and art in SL. A lot of her friends are artists, builders, and musicians.

Learning. Life is a lifelong learning journey. She was always learning new things and she would teach her knowledge to others. It was always exciting and fresh. Being able to spend time with her was an honor...an honor I will never forget.

Where the Great One lies resting, just behind the guest house

Benares from east side

Benares from west side

Looking down on the mesa

Finding a rainbow

View from Porter's in West

Benares Tori Gate between the guesthouse and brinda's shrine

My neighbors at Benares are:
brinda
breye
bubbles
twinkle
kattie
ling
lala
lita
caro
chrissy
felicia
sophie
deni
erityshima
jake
porter
lynn
kain
grimzy
anna
andrea
maxi
kimmie
kymmie
Marianela

Below is a poem a friend sent to me:

People come into your life for a reason, a season or a lifetime.

When you know which one it is, you will know what to do for that
Person..

When someone is in your life for a REASON, it is usually to meet a need
You have expressed.

They have come to assist you through a difficulty, to provide you with
Guidance and support,

To aid you physically, emotionally or spiritually.

They may seem like a godsend and they are.

They are there for the reason you need them to be.

Then, without any wrongdoing on your part or at an inconvenient time,

This person will say or do something to bring the relationship to an
End.

Sometimes they die. Sometimes they walk away.

Sometimes they act up and force you to take a stand.

What we must realize is that our need has been met, our desire
Fulfilled, their work is done.

The prayer you sent up has been answered and now it is time to move on.

Some people come into your life for a SEASON, because your turn has
Come to share, grow or learn.

They bring you an experience of peace or make you laugh.

They may teach you something you have never done.

They usually give you an unbelievable amount of joy..

Believe it, it is real. But only for a season.

LIFETIME relationships teach you lifetime lessons,

Things you must build upon in order to have a solid emotional
Foundation..

Your job is to accept the lesson,

Love the person and put what you have learned to use in all other
Relationships and areas of your life.

It is said that love is blind but friendship is clairvoyant.

Thank you for being a part of my life,

Whether you were a reason, a season or a lifetime.

Home, where the heart will be

2011-08-18T16:27:00.000-04:00

Brinda Allen passed away on August 9, 2011. At Benares Saturday 7pmSLT, there will be a memorial service for her. It will be behind the guesthouse by Gin's stone, I believe. I guess people will arrive at the telehub and I could teleport them to the guesthouse.

She will be coming home, in spirit.

In the meantime, I have asked an artist to create a statue for her. It was Ling's idea. It could take 3 weeks, if we agree to let him. He's a great artist and he gets a lot of commissions.

I'll post the temporary grave stone I made later.

Below are pictures of Benares. More will come.

Below, I have posted a song by Roy Orbison. It just makes me want to cry and croon my heart out.

Waiting for a Message

by Rochelle Mass

Trees help you see slices of sky between branches,
point to things you could never reach.
Trees help you watch the growing happen,
watch blossoms burst then dry,
see shade twist to the pace of a sun,
birds tear at unwilling seeds.

Trees take the eye to where it is,
where it was,
then over to distant hills,
faraway to other places and times,
long ago.

A tree is a lens,
a viewfinder, a window.
I wait below
for a message
of what is yet to come.

http://www.spiritoftrees.org/poetry/mass/waiting_message_mass.html

Brinda loved trees and I do too.

Namaste,

Vic

Just passing by this life...

2011-08-11T12:33:00.000-04:00

None of us know where our lives will lead us. Life is so hard to withstand oftentimes, but I believe it is a wonderful world.

My friend Alli sent me an IM this AM telling me brinda died in her sleep last night. Her mother located brinda. I only wish I had gotten in touch with Alli sooner. Her mother was a close friend of brinda's.

I hope that brinda was resting peacefully and felt little pain. I wonder what she was thinking about that night. Was her mind in Vanaransi, India? Was she inworld again in her dreams?

Life can be a lonely journey. Brinda understood that and accepted it bravely. She was wise, valiant, and strong-willed. She really lived and experienced life. She found her path at the age of 47. She found her place and family in SL when she was about 64. Her life was beautiful. She leaves behind a legacy of community, love, concern, togetherness, grace, and integrity.

She has loved and been kind to so many in SL. Few people can ever forget her. She is extraordinary, she is magnificent...she is Herself. She befriend newbies and taught them how to get started in SL. I was one such newbie. We all have brinda to thank for giving us a home, an identity, a reason to smile here.

Three of her oldest friends came inworld this morning, Ling, Twinkle, and Lala. Grief really does bring people together. Brinda chose her friends well. She loves them and I love them all too. They are sweet, intelligent, and loyal.

I haven't seen one of her closest friends, Kattie, for about a week. She loved Kattie dearly. Kattie has promised to stay at Benares for as long as she has a few good friends in SL. My heart goes out to Kattie too.

I will miss her so much. There is no one like her in my life. She taught me about life, love, and about myself. She will live on in our minds. Her soul still lives. I can feel her aroud me, can you feel her? She's never gone.

She has given me textures, pictures, scripts, LM's, her words and most importantly...herself. I am honored and proud to consider myself a close friend of hers.

Because of her, I want to learn The Way and be a better person than I am. She knew I would want to pursue it, even if now I am not ready and still afraid. She is like the guru who just "knows", you don't have to speak. It's not like being psychic. It's just being able to "see" into a person's soul. She thought I was perceptive enough to "see" some things and maybe she was right. Only time will tell now.

Her favorite songs:

"Human" always moved her to tears. She looked at those animals and her heart wept for them. She always had so much compassion and love in her. Brinda is love.

And this is one of her later favorites by KT Tunstall. She loved hearing Porter sing it. Thanks, Porter! Keep on singing, girl!

I have decided to make some creations and items in memory of brinda. The profits will go to Benares. I haven't made any definite plans yet, but I will work on it slowly. I want to make brinda proud.

My friends, people who have never met brinda, those who have known her but aren't my friends...know that you are loved. Go out and do good deeds and make at least one person proud of you.

Here's to loving...

Namaste.

Vic

Why it means so much to me....

2011-08-10T15:29:00.002-04:00

I guess I've always been an introvert. The world has always seemed like a fascinating place and it still is. Like I feel that childlike wonder when I see a gorgeous Disney movie like 2010's Tangled. Even if they all seem the same, I just love the color and animation in each one. Light and Darkness...just the dichotomy has fascinated me as well. I feel drawn to both of them. We all have a dark side, but most of us choose to stay in the Light. That is how it should be.

Lately, I've come to understand some things. I feel drawn to Buddhism. I've always been curious about Eastern philosophy, mysticism, and Eastern religions. Since brinda, I've come to know more about Buddhism. She once asked me how far I wanted to go into it, I didn't give her a straight answer. And she didn't push. She knew that I wasn't ready and I still am not there yet. But, I have accepted that I am in prison...not a physical prison but a prison build around me by society and by what I've been taught. I feel closed in by what I expect of myself and the reality of what is. There's a disconnect and I can't get free of that. I also am a prisoner of my desires. They prevent me from feeling content and free. You know, always wanting more that we miss the good things in front of us. When I let go, then I can continue the journey.

"Suddenly I see why the hell it means so much to me..."

Another soulful song by KT Tunstall, it calls to me.

Just because I like the video and the lyrics...

Namaste.

Vic

"You Are Enough"

2011-08-07T14:46:00.000-04:00

A wise friend told me that at least once. It is friends like that that make me feel so lucky. They appreciate me for how I am. They put up with me and I can feel their caringness. I have made plenty of mistakes and will make more, but it means a lot when you have friends and family behind you, supporting you and encouraging you. Even if they scold me, I know they mean well and they truly care. If I never got negative feedback, then I would know that no one really paid attention or cared a bit. And I know that I am not perfect. I have my rough edges, my fatal flaws, my quirks...or whatever you prefer to call them.

If I have offended you, I am truly sorry. I meant well but sometimes my well-meant attempts come out wrong...foot in mouth I guess. We don't always know what the right thing to do is, but if we do nothing...we'll never really know if it's wrong or right. I find that a lot of times, if you learn and don't ever make a mistake...then you really haven't learned. Experience is one of the best teachers. My actions are motivated by a desire to show my concern. I cannot apologize for how I am, but I can apologize for my actions. I strive to do good. If you can, please be patient with me. And please don't use my age as a card to be used against me. Age has little to do with it. And typecasting, categorizing, stereotyping, profiling...those are just plain wrong.

To all my friends who have been there for me and those who will be there for me for a long time, I dedicate this song to you...the best version of Just The Way You Are.

Thank you a million times over for being there for me, if not in presence then in heart and spirit.

Here's to trying to be good...

Vic

Forgiveness in life

2011-08-06T23:33:00.000-04:00

In the past, I've written some angry words on here about people who have hurt me. Some was true, some was a bit distorted. I am ashamed of that. Thankfully, I have let go of it all. I have to let go. Holding on to that is hurting myself and life is hard enough to take already.

There's a prayer I remember that goes something like "Give me the strength to accept that there are things that I cannot change." We have limitations. We blame others for being unhappy. We make conditions like, "If I was smarter, I'd make more money" or anything like that that is something that we never had. We want some feature we weren't programmed with, so to speak.

We all forgive someday. It's comfortable to hold anything. But it's always best to just let go. One tenet of Buddhism I like is that you don't hold on to yesterday. You must live Here and Now.

Here's to trying...

Namaste.

Vic

For the love of Brinda...

2011-08-05T08:46:00.001-04:00

Since mid-July I've known about how sick brinda is. It really saddens me and for so long, I kept going and put on a smile and said "we can get through this!" But for a few days now, I've realized that I was kidding myself. I'm not that strong. My heart aches. I long to talk to her about Buddhism or some of her old friends. And there are so many. Here's a post by Soror Nishi. So lately, I've been getting in touch with those she names in her blog. I have talked to many so far. All are quite nice and helpful. But I'm nowhere near done yet. They have been touched that I have reached out to them. I think they need to know. Brinda has been so goood to thousands of people/avatars. She has a way about her.

I give you, She's got a Way...

She will be missed and remembered for always. Her legacy is about helping out those who need help, caring for others, and spreading love to others.

Before her, SL was confusing and bland. When she came along, SL seemed so much richer and exciting. Whether we went to see some of the historic sims or went to a concert, it was always fun. I will always remember those excursions fondly.

Here's another song, this one by Sarah McLachlan.

Namaste. Enjoy life.

Vic

Buddhism and acceptance

2011-08-04T19:57:00.000-04:00

"For a Buddhist to die in Benares is a path to enlightenment. Today...that's my goal...to die in Benares...and to not leave too heavy a load for you to carry with my name on it. And so it goes I do really try, brinda Namaste"

This was an old blog entry that brinda wrote about how she wants to be in India. Vanaransi is her real haven and in SL, Benares is her haven and a haven for so many others.

I have only known brinda for little over a year, but within months we became close. In me, she found an apprentice or a little student. I have begun to learn and understand the ways of Buddhism and Brindaism (no disrespect meant). She is such a deeply caring and warm person. I have never known anyone like her before. You feel like she "knows" and she is at peace. Not to say that she is always so calm, but she knows how to find her inner peace. She knows how to set her boundaries...that was a big teaching point for me. It is not whining if you tell someone what bothers you about them. However, you must not say it when you are all hysterical. It's like you can't fight well if you're in a rage...you think irrationally and your actions will be jerky and uncoordinated. She would say to me, "Say what you mean/Mean what you say/ And don't say it mean." While this is an old saying, when she said it to me it suddenly was more meaningful. When she spoke, you sat up and listened. She had that sobering, entrancing, listen to this effect on me. Sometimes I'd get distracted if I had to go back and forth between SL and RL, but most of the time I was listening very carefully...maybe more so than even in my favorite classes in school.

The first time she brought me to Benares, she showed me around. She told you to sit in the blue chair, so I sat in it. She explained who lived where. I remember meeting a few people whose names I can't remember. I remember feeling fascinated that she walked so briskly and determined and the chair would follow. But one thing that really fascinated me was that she told me that she was Irish and Buddhist. I think I might've literally dropped my jaw. First, she wears a Qi pao, and then she's a Buddhist and she's American? Whoa.

That shock wore away soon, fortunately. And I began to look forward to our talks about SL, life, and Buddhism. I don't remember how we started talking about Buddhism. Maybe I was curious so I started asking questions...I really don't recall how it started. Anyhow, our friendship has been founded on conversation, straight talk, and a need to learn. Looking back, I also think she valued me because she felt that I was really listening and that she could talk and I wouldnt make any judgments. I hope I was very supportive. I try to be.

By straight talk I mean that she'd sit me down and tell me, "Sweety, life isn't fair." Or "you should know that others may not see things as you do." She once told me that I can "see" as she can. It's the type of seeing that one does with the intuition and mind...I'm not sure how else to describe it. All I know is that she's convinced that I have that sight. I remember feeling flattered and pleased at the compliment. In retrospect, I think that she meant it more as a fact.

One of the most important things she discussed with me is acceptance. We accept that things don't go our way. We accept that life isn't fair. We accept that we have limits, but through it all...we just keep going. Though we may be limited, we never run on an empty tank. Somewhere, we just get this energy to keep on going...this sort of cosmic energy. You could call it hope and ambition...that's what I think it might be.

Though there are things that we don't want to accept or things that we don't think we can accept, there is hope for another day. There is a chance that we will reach nirvana. There is a chance that we will learn to accept what we cannot change.

Be well. Namaste.

Vic

The Many Changes That Go On

2011-08-03T16:00:00.000-04:00

So much happens in a year, in months, in weeks, in days...even within a day. It is astounding and flabbergasting and so....very fast. I wish it could stop or I could press the slower button.

Time stops for no one though and in the end, memories are all we have. There have been so many good memories for me in SL.

I learned to control my avatar with the arrow keys. I learned to fly with pgup and pgdn. I learned how to teleport, how to make landmarks, how to add/remove friends from my friend list, how to shop wisely, how to earn lindens, how to build, how to create things, how to take snapshots, and more. It has been wonderful for me and I've had some good friends to share my joy with me. They've seen me mad, sad, even silly. Haha.

I started reading archived entries from brinda. And even now, they are still so relevant. Some entries are funny, some sad, and some are an interesting mix. I am always touched by her words, her wit, her attitude...her aura.

My old SL bro Brandon once said to me, "Vic, you're all about friends." So true and I miss him very much. He will always be a dear friend.

In just a year, I have loved, lost, raged, cried, and aged a bit. No gray hair here heh heh, but I hope that I am wiser. And I hope that I do my friends proud.

Namaste,

Vic

Being in the know, in the now....

2011-07-31T00:24:00.000-04:00

Lately I've become more reflective of life. There are several reasons for this...making a friend who I bounced philosophical ideas off of but most importantly...realizing that a friend who I thought would be there for a few more years won't be there for a few more years. I like the quotation "We have all the time in the world"...taken from an Ian Fleming book (one of the 007 novels). Honestly, that just isn't true. What time we have is the time we are afforded in life. She asked me..."how long is the rope?" How long do you think your life is? Of course I said I didn't know. Who really knows how long their rope is?

Since my rez day passed, this has also affected my way of thinking. While that philosophy friend turned out to only be interested in flings and flirting, it taught me a good lesson. First, if you hang out at a dance place...most likely you'll find people who just like to flirt and they might be flakes. Second, brainy people don't always act smart. But then anyone can act stupid regardless of education or intelligence level.

Life is for the living and we must live it well. A teacher once said, "The best revenge is living well." I always keep that in my mind.

Before he was Ram Dass, he learned to "be here now". The past and the future didn't matter. He lives in the moment.

I too want to get more in touch with my spiritual side. I want to feel more at peace with the universe and myself.

I have since made a new friend who seems more understanding and patient. I am content. Where will the friendship lead? I hope to find out.

Trying to let go

2011-07-21T12:54:00.001-04:00

Does anyone ever want to let go? I know I don't ever want to, but sometimes not letting go can make me miserable. It can make anyone miserable.

There are things we all wish we could change or redo in our lives. Even now, we make mistakes and we keep making them. But I try not to blame myself so hard, that's just my response though. So much is expected of me and I feel the pressure. There are times when I feel like the son in my family. I also know that I need to be self sufficient and strong to face the world alone. I got to be yong gan...brave in Mandarin. I don't believe there will be someone to support me until much later. And frankly, I don't want just someone to feed me and shelter me. I will wait and learn how to be a truly strong woman. It's not just about thinking independent, being self-reliant is about being capable of providing for oneself without depending on others. That is my chief ambition in life. I don't want to be a burden to others.

Time keeps on flowing by like how a river flows downstream. No dam or person can stop the progression. If we could stop it, would we make some good changes or would those well-meant changes result in badness? There's a reason why we can't stop time and it is perhaps best that way. Human meddling can lead to tragedy, disaster, pain, not always....but it often does.

Someday, we all will let go of our pain and worry. I love how meditation basically is about letting the thoughts run through your mind, never dwelling too long on one. The goal in meditation is to clear the mind and just think of nothing. I wonder if someday I could accomplish that. Until then, I'll try to let the thoughts run through my mind for seconds and trying not to agonize over them.

Here's a song by an artist I remember from years ago, Elliot Yamin. His famous song was Wait For You.

And I believe
That breathing makes you free
And I believe
That love's our destiny
And I believe
In things I cannot see
Lyrics www.allthelyrics.com/lyrics/elliott_yamin/
Like faith and joy and peace and hope
And harmony

In my world we really aren't different
In your world we'll never be the same
I speak but you don't want to listen
It's easier to walk away

Slow down, wait another minute
Just once, let there be no blame
My world will always have you in it
That's one thing that time won't change

And you got to take that first hard step
There is a place and we're just not there yet

And here's a song from Billy Joel, another favorite singer of mine. Billy Joel is one of the most charismatic singers in history. I love his piano playing, his lyrics, and the melodies of his songs.

One year down contiinued...

2011-07-17T14:05:00.000-04:00

It has been a very busy year.

I have also been sad about losing friends. I had a SL bro that left due to some drama. He left around December. He wished me a good Christmas from an offline IM and he said he wasn't sure he'd be back. I still miss him and I sometimes blame myself for not being there for him more. He taught me how use the Look At feature...how to see who is looking in your direction. I remembered feeling proud of myself when I would use it in Morris. He also taught me how to use camera controls like zooming in or out and panning my camera. To this day, I use those controls just about every time I'm inworld. I really respected him and I felt tranquil those early months I spent around him. As time went on though, I started dating and he did too. Sadly, none of those relationships were as nice as the one I had with him. I couldn't talk to those guys like I talked to him. The feeling was just so different. His relationship with a woman started turning sour and I tried to comfort him, but I was involved with another guy and I thought I was happy. And eventually, my bro got his heart broken and he began to fade from SL. He would log in less often and when he was inworld, if I didn't see him...he'd log out not long after I told him. Eventually, he left SL. I don't know when, but I just know that he is not coming back to SL from a friend of his. He didn't come back for my rez day, so I'll really let him go. I'll tuck his pictures and words away in my memory and think of him now and then, not pine away for him and be wracked by guilt.

And of course along the way I have made friends with people who would unfriend me if we didn't talk for at least a month or so. The thing is though they didn't IM me at all or hardly ever and I was (and still do) get busy on SL or when I have the viewer up. Everyone has things going on behind the screen at one time or another. Some days the phone rings off the hook and you find yourself dashing to the phone or people come and visit, things like that. Some of those friends weren't worth keeping and some were or are. It does hurt when you get a notification that the friendship has been ended, but it's a part of life. People don't always stay friends. You just take the blow gracefully and move on.

I have gotten attached to a few guys, but I soon learned they weren't worth my time. Did it hurt? Yes, it did...a good deal. And it took me time to get over and really quit blaming myself for it. I had thought I wasn't good enough or that it was all my fault. With some, I was partly to blame but the other side was wrong too.

I have resolved to really have fun. And the only things I should be serious about are Benares, helping friends and helping those who need help, writing, and creating. These are what I enjoy. I also have fun exploring sims and shops. It's amazing what one can find.

Je reviens...

2011-07-17T13:45:00.001-04:00

It means "I return" in French. I learned that term from Daphne DuMaurier's book, Rebecca. Perhaps you have heard of the movie Laurence Olivier starred in of the same title, it is adapted from this book. It is an interesting book, reminiscent of Bronte's Jane Eyre.

A very dear friend of mine has returned after a week's absence. It is beyond wonderful to know she has returned. Without her, I have felt lost, deeply anxious, and deeply sad.

I know that no one will always be around in the live realm, but it just feels so joyous when you can talk to them when they are. They are never really gone, but memories always are a bit weaker than how they were in life.

Someday we all accept what is inevitable. For now though, I will revel in the live realm with this dear friend. It is precious beyond the concept of precious that we all learn as children and remember all through adulthood.

One year down...

2011-07-10T16:39:00.000-04:00

July 4th is also the anniversary for when I joined SL. I still remember that night. It was around 11pm and I could still hear the fireworks making a bonny racket outside. When I rezzed into SL for the first time I showed up in a welcome area called Ahern or Morris as some call it. It was dark and full of avatars. I felt lost and so alone.

As I walked past the last pavilion I saw an IM from a woman. It stopped me in my tracks. And then she started talking to me in local about how to get around in SL. I don't remember what she said, but I remember her patience and kindness to me. And through IMs, she gave me objects like skins and an AO. I had trouble with the AO for a bit. She even joked that one guy had the hots for me. After one week, I never heard from the guy again (he's still on my list though). He seemed to be the least guileless man I've met in a long time. He was from Brazil, that explains part of it. From my experience working with foreigners, they just seem so much more polite than most people I meet on a daily basis. It is like 'a breath of fresh air.'

Anyone that woman who helped me that first now...she has become my dearest friend in SL and perhaps in RL. She has been there for me on my journey through SL and through one year of my life. As I begin another year, I am grateful that I know her and that we can speak to each other as individuals, like-minded souls, and good friends. She has touched my life in ways that I am only now beginning to see and understand. So much can happen in a year and so much change can occur. It feels like a wave swept over me and has made its impressions on me. Good people are like that, their effect always shows wherever they make an impact.

Also, I have had so much fun exploring the virtual world. I saw Steller's beanstalk in my first or second week. I tried to climb it, but still haven't gotten high up. Perhaps someday I will? That would be a cool achievement to write about. ;-) I've been to SL Africa and went up in a hot air balloon above the whole sim once. The guy I went with unfriended me a long time ago (he was probably just a flake), but I still remember the joy of being high up and seeing and enjoying the view of the luscious land and the animals. I met him at a time when I felt sad and he cheered me up for a time.

Soon after that, I met Steve at the same welcome area where I first rezzed. And since then, Steve has become a dear friend too. He and his friends just exude this warmth that I always like to be around. We talk, we laugh, and cry on each other's shoulders. He is a great friend and the friends I meet through him are wonderful as well.

I have also joined a lot of groups in SL. Back when the group limit was 25, I soon had 25 groups. So I'd leave and join and rejoin groups frequently. I'd sit there and try to deliberate about which to leave. Lol. Actually I still do that, even though the limit is 42. LOL. Through those groups, I have made many friends as well. Some are still my friends and others have left of their own volition for the reason that I didn't IM them much. The thing is I do tend to get quite busy in SL and I hope that sometimes my friends IM me. It seems like a lot of the time, I am the one who starts an IM. There are times when I wonder if I'm the only one who wants to IM, you know? But I am usually the last person to unfriend.

I have learned a good deal from their friends too. It has been fun. Or even just talking to people in group chats...it's quite enjoyable. Most people are pretty friendly and polite.

Being a part of a SL community has been really great for me. I have a home in SL. When I feel hurt or scared, I can go there and feel peaceful.

One of the things I enjoy is the fact that you can learn so much. I'm talking about the classes you can talk. You can take building, scripting, even language classes. I've only taken building and scripting classes, but someday...I might stay for some language classes. I'm still not that good at building, but I have the notes and I know a few things about building. I can build basic things like a table or a set of small stairs. I do hope that someday, I will create something of my own like a gorgeous house or a lovely tree. I am also working on creating sculpts. For now, I just use Qavimator to try to make static poses and animations. It's challenging, but I really enjoy it.

Another thing I enjoy is the art you can see and view in SL. Since August, I have been writing about museums and art galleries. And I have made many art contacts...as I call them. I befriend artists and I like to talk to them about their art. Sadly, one of the artists I talked to passed away in March, Sabrinaa Nightfire. Her sim, Erato of Caerleon, was and has been one of my favorite art sims. It was among the first galleries that I ever wrote about for Wonderful Evenings. I left a build I made, which was designed by Hig Bing who teaches at Builder's Brewery and has her own shop. I will miss her though I didn't know her well. I did get to talk to 3 of her closest friends in SL. I hope to talk to them more. I still have so many questions and I realized that I want to design art in SL.

I make poses in SL. That is a sort of art for me, but I'd love to combine that with pictures or builds. And maybe one day I'll build my own art gallery. It's so lovely to dream...

Busy, busy, busy

2011-06-28T23:05:00.000-04:00

I'm not going to say the word. :P

I have gone back to writing. I have been writing a short story for practice, and 2 interviews for PURE magazine. The last article I completed on Sunday...was tough. The designer said he'd get back to me, but he didn't. It took many days and a lot of frustration. I managed to whip something up and I think it's good enough. I have no delusions that it's my best piece, but it's sufficient. I made the deadline, days early, and I made the required number of words. I had more fun with the first article about an art gallery. I won't divulge details until they're published.

I have started to write about another art gallery or should I say garden. It's a beautiful spot behind a little library. I met the owner and she's such a kind woman. I think we could talk for hours about books and limitations and more.

Once again, I have got mixed up in love. I adore this guy, but he's just absorbed with his ex. He says it's temporary. Well, I have a feeling it's not. She's not going to let him go like that. No matter what he says now, I don't believe him. He could've told her it's over, but he's still into her and he might just fall back into step with her. It hasn't been long since the break. I told him that it feels like I'm "being played" by him. He was 'a little insulted' and left. But you know what, that's nothing. It's only 'a little'. I have been looking at the situation from a bird's eye view and it leaves me out on the sidelines and it leaves me baffled and very disappointed. And I think they need to let go. But I don't see that happening. So, I'll let go. I won't be marginalized or made to be the third wheel.

Okay, so he's confused. But why not step away? I'll be the strong one in this situation, take control, and leave. I know I'm better off on my own.

I have talked about him with other friends. And they all seem to say that I should be distant and/or just move on. One even said to wait 2 weeks. I might be distant and eventually, I'll have let go.

How can I love someone who can get distracted by their past and doesn't value their present enough? I'm there, but I'm ignored unless I squeak. But what if I don't want to squeak? Isn't my presence enough?

Happier news

2011-06-11T15:52:00.000-04:00

I have been busy with RL work, but I check up at Benares and I spend time with friends. There's a new girl at Benares, Grimzy. :) We all welcome her to Benares and SL!

Steve and his partner, Helene celebrated their 4th year of being SL partners...June 9th. Yay for them! They are such nice people and Steve is one of my oldest friends in SL. He's a great builder and he has such a warm personality. He is one of the few people who I hug in SL. I trust him and I know that he trusts me. We get along great.

I have been creating poses. My store blog is http://victorialenoirre.blogspot.com/ I've been having fun editing the pics in GIMP. I love the color balance dialogue now. I usually make my pics look redder...giving my avatar a rosy tone. I recently bought a set of boots. They didn't cost much and yet they are resizable and you can change the color. The texture is very realistic too. They look like real leather boots by the way. My latest product pic shows me wearing them. I am finding that you don't have to spend a lot to get quality in SL. It is like that in real life too.

You can spend thousands on a fancy computer or fancy car...but in the end, you're not guaranteed the best performance. Sometimes the higher the price, the more finicky or higher maintenance the product is. I believe in getting something that is mid-range. It's not the lowest price, but not the highest price either. Comparison shopping is always the best policy. Plus, I like to check out all the options out there. I have always been an inquisitive person. People call me clever or very bright, but I think that that is just my perpetual curiosity. And no, it hasn't killed this cat. Lol. I don't really believe that saying anyhow. I might be a bit defiant. Oh well. :-)

Also, I am a writer with PURE magazine. I got the position sometime before madison decided to close Palais magazine. I am sad about that, but I understand that RL comes first. I would've done the same thing. I will still blog for Palais as long as the blog is up. The URL is http://palaisorleans.blogspot.com/ I will update it soon. I have been behind with blogging. And I have been working on my first article for PURE.

Truth and Lies

2011-06-11T15:31:00.001-04:00

A few days ago, I found out something that I wish I didn't know now. My ex bf has partnered already. It must've happened a few days before I saw his profile. Some interesting facts, the girl is about 3 months old so she probably hasn't know him long and perhaps she's with him to comfort him. I think it's a bad sign. Why? He rushed into that relationship and he is the type who runs away and doesn't look back once someone puts their foot down and decides that they won't take his crap. He played on my pity, especially in the end. He has given up on me and it is a good thing. Yes, it hurts that he has forgotten about me and he didn't mean what he said when he'd be my friend, but it is good because it means that he is moving on. He has no credibility with me anymore. There will be no more pitiful moans or "gulps" or guilt trips from him to me. I knew there was a reason why I tried to avoid him months before he and I started dating.

I see the truth about him now. I was his quarry, his victim. And now I know his game and I won't play it anymore. So now he has found someone else. Maybe he's playing with her emotions...who knows? But I'm not about to interfere. I have my friends, my priorities, and my own life. I feel sorry for her, but there is nothing I can do. She made her choice and I made mine. The only way for her to be rid of him at least in SL is if I AR'ed or someone else did, but I don't think I have any reason to do that. If I did, I'd have AR'ed him already. No one should be manipulated upon. It's indecent and abusive.

I removed him from friends. He is still in land group, but maybe he won't be for long. I don't think he deserves the tag. It makes me feel disgusted to think that I was fooled by his sweet words and his attentions to me. In the end, he made me feel cheap and angry. He swore at me and tried to make me feel bad and guilty for my anger. That is not how a decent person should behave. I believe my anger was justified and I still do. I haven't regretted my decision to split or de-friend him. I have felt freer and more peaceful since I did those acts. I know it was the right thing to do. So why should I feel guilty for doing what my heart and mind tell me is right?

I love this song by Whitney Houston, Step by Step

In search of something better

2011-06-01T23:25:00.000-04:00

As I write, I can't help but feel sad. It always seems like the things I want are always just out of my reach. I think I have it, but I come up with nothing. People tell me you have to go after what you want, but not everything can be attained that way. And the people who are so "pushy" or "grabby", do they keep what they seize or will their quarry run away? In college, I've known of nice, shy guys being swept off their feet by the outgoing, pushy girl. It sucks, but that's what happens. I feel bad for the guys. They don't see what hit them until they're deeply entangled with kids, credit card debt, a mortgage they can't pay, in-laws they can't stand, whatever. It's just so sad that they don't realize how they've been manipulated early on. I have seen one guy friend in college get taken like that. I would've made a move except I didn't think the time was right for me. I know he's happy right now, and I'm happy for him. But how long will he be happy? I was broken up about it for months, but I did get over him. Though sometimes, I still think of him and wonder what if she hadn't come along...he's such a sweet guy. But it's clear to me that he's not for me.

Guys tend to think of me as a sister or that attractive woman who's "out of their league." I'm turning 25 and I've thought how my mom married when she was 23. I do wish I could've found love by now, but it just hasn't happened. I haven't really felt that coup de foudre...thunder bolt that people feel when they know that they connect. I always have infatuations with guys in real life or actors like John Cusack or Robert Downey Jr, but it's superficial mostly. I like them for their character, but I know it'll never be reciprocated. I always have this sense that no man will ever understand me or have the patience for me. I guess I'm just too old-fashioned. Maybe I should've been born in the distant past when women were wooed gently not like now when guys show off their cars or their looks. Or they think they can flatter me with sweet words and admiring glances. Those only work to a certain point and don't last very long.

Here's to hoping that some day, a man will come along and will be the man I need.

Striving on...

2011-05-30T23:39:00.000-04:00

Happy Memorial day!

This is Wizard Gynoid's exhibit at UWA: http://slurl.com/secondlife/UWA%20VIRTLANTIS/143/85/24

Very cool.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZqZeWsgfxDI
http://wouldntthatriptheforkoutofyournightie.wordpress.com/2011/05/30/my-take-on-bullying/

I'm going through some drama, but I'm working through it. I'll be okay. I won't let it get me down for long. More on that, later.

Conflict and Tough Decisions

2011-05-28T09:16:00.000-04:00

http://palaisorleans.blogspot.com/2011/05/draftrecognizing-4th-rez-day-for.html

Here's something I wrote lately about a very special person in my life.

For awhile, I've felt that there was a lot of conflict and doubt in my SL life. Since the first week, I realized it existed and would exist unless I changed myself. I have changed some, but still it exists. I really am a late bloomer. In my other life, I am a late bloomer. How could it not be otherwise? Who I am in SL is a reflection of who I am in RL.

Maybe it's fate or SL giving me a second chance, but I happened to meet an old old ex friend in a beautiful sim where a museum is located. We parted ways after about 3 conversations during my first or second week in SL. We met in Morris and I felt flattered by her attention. She brought me to a store that sold clubwear and she bought me a slutty outfit. Slowly, I realized what she wanted. But rather than tell her no at that moment, I clamped up. For days after, I avoided her. One day, I came clean and she was very upset. And so, she cut my card. I apologized and offered to pay her back and send the item back to her, but she told me to keep it. And then I never heard anything from her and I never tried to reach out...I thought she never wanted to talk to me again. But that afternoon, she seemed pleasantly surprised to see me. She still wears a cat avatar, but she now builds for the museum owner. I'm overjoyed that she is doing such great work. I saw one build by her and I think it's fabulous!

There is another chance in SL, but I haven't taken it. I see Jonny and his gf in Morris most of the time I visit. I just still feel scared and disappointed in him. His gf was nice to me and maybe I threw it away. Maybe they'll talk to me again after all this time, but I just don't feel ready to talk.

So much has happened to me since I've been away from them. I've dated around, taken many classes, blogged about people and places, explored sims, learned about SL, made more good friends, gotten better at writing in SL, started my business...and realized that I am fortunate to have good friends who will always be with me in spirit.

Now I need to make a tough decision. I have been upset lately and really doubting myself. Sunday, I felt that my relationship with my bf should end. Well, since then things haven't gotten better since we made peace. He really doesn't understand me. He defends his ex...over me. It feels like I was just a nasty, evil girl who didn't think about his feelings. Why should I feel guilty over my own anger? It was not my friend who interfered, it was his friend. It's good that he forgives her, but he makes me feel that I had no right to be angry. But I have feelings too and it made me feel uncomfortable. Yes I have a bad temper, but I get mad over big things. Little things irritate me, but I don't blow up over them...I have some control over my temper, for whatever that's worth.

I didn't get to talk to him inworld, but I did send him an offline IM and he replied. He has agreed that we should go back to being friends. He wants to try again someday, but I told him that I don't think that that's possible. He wants to wait for when "things settle down", but I just think....why bother? He's still him and I'm still me. Nothing really changes over time. I understand better how he is and I realize that I could never be content with him. I can't be around someone who always makes me feel guilty when I say no or when I feel mad....makes me feel like such an awful monster. I know I can be difficult to deal with at times, but I know I'm not a horrid person. What really bothered me is that he'd always mention one of his ex's at least once each time we IM'ed or hung out. I never liked that because I felt like I was being compared side by side like comparing 2 cars and I kept thinking, he still hasn't let go of them. I shouldn't have to tolerate that. I am who I am; I am not a copy of anyone. I really believe in individuality. No one is anyone but themself.

P.S. I finally got the nerve to make peace with that other old old friend. It wasn't as tough as I had thought. In fact, he was pleased that I reached out to him. He had been waiting I think. All these months our paths had crossed, but he knew that I must be the one to step forward, after all I was the one who had cut the ties. I said I was wrong and surprisingly, he had said he was wrong too. We both said things we shouldn't have, but that doesn't matter now. What matters is that we have put it behind us. I will be a better person and I will not let my pride or anger hurt myself for so long. It really had been many months since we had talked. A lot has changed.

I am still mad at Tsali, but I should move on. He has a tendency to get in trouble with women. I think his new lady could prove to be no different. However, he made his bed and he'll lie in it. It's none of my business. I no longer respect him like I did before. I will move on, I need to.

In the meantime I'll focus on doing the things I enjoy and being me. I have started my second draft of my chateau, haha. Hopefully it looks better than my last few house building attempts. I'll include a picture later. I have RL work next week, so that'll be good for me. I do need some time to reflect during the day.

A Sad mistake or a gift?

2011-05-22T14:30:00.001-04:00

I'm so sad to admit I made a horrid mistake. On May 7th, I said yes to a guy friend who asked me to be his SL girlfriend. Until a few days ago I felt so happy, like nothing could get me down. But then, I found out from him that a "pretty good friend" spied on us and was jealous. And yesterday he called her a "semi-gf". Which is she? Changing his tune, is he? I can't tolerate that. I saw her profile and her group for her main avatar and it left me feeling disturbed. All I can say is that she's not my idea of a good friend, she just takes and won't give. The fact that he dated her for 2 months after only knowing her for a month, that struck a bad chord in me and I don't trust that he's really done with her. I feel like he became attached to her and still is. He said it's over with her, but I'm disappointed in him. I don't believe him anymore. So I told him that it's over between us.

The people I consider good friends wouldn't spy on me or try to grief me. She hasn't IM'ed me, but I think she's not done making trouble. She likes to play with emotions. He sim banned her, but it's not enough for me. I feel like I never really knew him.

My true friends know that often I prefer to be alone. And working in SL is one of the things I love most. I love walking in Benares and looking at top scripts or looking at the houses to get build ideas (I'm working on a chateau, btw). I love to preview and upload my poses. I have a client who wants me to make some groundsits for him and I even have 1 pose at my vendor that I can modify slightly. I saw him asking for help at one of my group chats, it was a lucky catch. I haven't had anyone asking me to do custom work. But he has decided to give me a chance and I intend to prove myself...that I can be good. I love exploring sims to write for magazines or a SL guide book. And I've made some great art contacts through my assignments and work.

I haven't had luck with SL relationships. I have tried and I thought I'd give this guy a chance, but now it's done. He had his chance and it didn't work. I don't want any drama and so it ends here. He will beg me to stay, but I'll stand firm and I won't change my mind. It will be tough, but this is what I need to do. If I don't stand firm, there will be more pain. I can feel it.

A great song I've always liked:
Matt Goss, End of the road

It's a song of endings and beginnings. There is always tomorrow, hope for a better day.

I'll be okay, but right now I just feel so disappointed. Yes, I got my feelers bent. I learn the hard way, but I can learn.

Edit:
He and I talked and I realized that I was too hasty. It was like I expected that he would just let me go. But he has proven to me that I shouldn't dump him just because of one bad friend and he fought with my temper and won. He nearly deleted me, I am quite sure. But then I realized that I sounded like an idiot and he was really mad...madder than I had ever expected. He didn't want me to go. He felt like we deserved a chance to keep going. I realized that he wasn't the enemy. I was just looking for a way to run away. I got scared. He didn't have to fight with me. He could've ended the conversation but he kept on fighting me. I'm still surprised at that. So he and I are a couple still. We had a big fight, but now we understand each other. He's good for me, I am convinced now.

Always Lost in Thought

2011-04-20T23:02:00.000-04:00

How much of our waking life are we lost in thought? How long do we spend just living in our heads?

Days ago I admitted to myself that I am lonely. I am busy to ease that loneliness. In a way, it helps me through that time. But it also fulfills a need in me to do something. Dancing or talking is something, but I can not just do those in and of themselves...just those 2 activities.

People are amazed when they hear about what I do. It could be considered overkill: writing, building, Qavimator, GIMP, blogging, shopping, exploring. Is that all I do? Well, I do dance with friends from time to time. And I can stand around in a lobby, but that's seldom. Are they intimidated? I wonder about that. Probably. I asked a friend and he said, "I'm not." Well, I know that. He's known me for more than 6 months. By this summer, it'll be a year..August I believe. Seek and ye shall find. I searched and my search led me to him. He's a manager of a SL organization, a landlord, a SL content creator and a good friend. We can talk about real life or sl. We understand that. We dated once or twice, but we agreed that we'd be better as friends. And it was the right choice, not that he wouldn't make a great boyfriend...he would. But he can be just as supportive and caring as my friend. I trust him and he trusts me too. That's one of the highest compliments that I could ever receive.

I asked him what whould he do if SL shut down. He said he didn't know. He told me he knows of Avination. I told him I would go to Inworldz. Well, I hope SL will be around longer. I feel that SL is my only link to him. I'd miss his friendship and his words. He knows what to say to calm me. He doesn't even have to say a lot or try hard. I hope that his real life is wonderful and well.

Last week or so, I mentioned Tsali and how I felt betrayed. I realize he wasn't who I thought he was. Things like this they just shatter your image of a person. You think...who the hell is this person? Where am I? What? Huh? You just feel clueless and dazed. He hasn't changed, I have. I can see clearer now and it is freeing. Sometimes waiting can seem tense. You wait for the question to come or the talk to arise. When it never does...you're off the hook. You're A-OK. And I will be okay, I am okay.

Do I think of finding love someday? Yes. Doesn't everyone? I just haven't found it yet.

I have many friends who are there for me. And I have my hobbies and interests. Life just isn't life if it's a few limited things. I need to do a lot to feel full. If someone can't deal with that...that's their problem. The song I like now is I Look to You by Whitney Houston. "When all my strength is gone, in you I can be strong...I look to you..."

I try to be very tolerant. But when someone whines about me always being busy...I can't take that. Of course, it depends on the person's attitude. But if they complain and bitch about it and how their other friends are so busy...I'm sorry. But I'm not responsible for your happiness. YOU make your own happiness. It's all concocted in the mind.

Like a fellow once said...ain't that a kick in the head?!

2011-04-15T03:25:00.000-04:00

You ever get those days? I'm kind of feeling like someone stunned me or knocked me out.

You think you can trust someone and they understand you...don't assume that. The one who understands you the best is yourself, to paraphrase Richard Bach. What you don't say, that can always make you feel miserable. But sometimes when you finally do say it, you don't feel any better. You feel a feeling of release, but that's all. And how do you know the release will feel rewarding? You don't know that.

There are so many times where society expects us to understand hints. My situation was that I fell in love with a friend. I find out how much I care about him when I figure out that he has been dating a woman for a few days now. I wonder why he didn't tell me. Friends tell each other, right? Didn't he feel so excited that he felt like he had to share it with someone? Apparently not.

I've known him for months. I felt close to him. But yet, not really. He's not very talkative. I guess he likes to be straightforward and doesn't take hints. I was so worried when he was away from SL for 2 months, I think. When he came back, it was like before. Or so I thought. But things had changed.

I was busier with my stores. I was starting to get the hang of mostly spending time doing my own stuff. So when he came back, I didn't spend so much time with him like I used to. I thought he'd understand. But lots of guys might feel like I ignore them, if they're typical and they are my friends. But that's how I am. I like to learn and do independent things. I have a corazon salvaje...wild heart.

This was on Tuesday. On Wednesday, he still needed to think. Today, Thursday, he did talk to me. And I knew before he said anything that he still wanted to see his lady friend.

I don't like her. I think she's a pretender. She can be coy and sweet with newbies or strangers. But if you talk about the right thing, you'll see what she's really like. You can tell when people get angry. And I did see her get indignant. I thought she seemed parochial and arrogant. But there's nothing I can do. He may find out and it won't be pretty. He has seen some unpretty behavior in women, so that's his problem. I'll try not to care too much. Because I can't wait around for someone like him when there are other people I could get to know and things I could do.

I spent tonight finishing an article, visiting with Jake, visitng Lrak, and visiting with Steve. Both are 2 great guys and friends of mine. They always know how to cheer me up and make me smile. I feel very fortunate to know them. Steve has a partner, but he always talks to me when he can. When he can't, he'll explain why. He's polite, sweet, thoughtful, and more. Jake has become a good friend. We've been hanging out more for a month or so. When he returned to SL, he started visiting me at my parcel. And he still does that. He takes time to see me and we talk a little bit. He's smart, sweet, and fun to be with. Lrak is a friend I met through an art gallery contact. Lrak scripts and I need script help. Months after adding him, we finally really talked. Well when I friended him, we did talk some. He said as soon as that conversation, he liked me. But it was months later that I started to really know him. He's understanding, warm, and intelligent. He encourages my pose making and he owns some of my creations. Very sweet of him. I value all these men. They are good to me.

Even though I still feel hurt, I still see the niceness and gentility around me. I am so deeply thankful.

Tough Times In Life

2011-03-28T20:49:00.000-04:00

I try not to complain and I try not to sound like a haggard, tired old woman. But I can't help it. I could be doing so much more with my life. I could be someone stronger, someone more self assured. Circumstances have made me small and meek.

My new job is humbling and at times it feels like a punishment. I never imagined I'd be working as an unskilled worker. I wake up earlier and get home early. I have little energy to write or create or even laugh, but I manage somehow.

A lot of young people like me are struggling to find meaningful work. Just this weekend I found that an old high school mate has taken up volunteering, which could mean that she is out of work and needs something to do. I've volunteered for a few years. It was a good experience, but I don't think I should do it anymore...I need to actually work and earn a living. Volunteering never got me anything except some fun times with people and some frustration when they fail to show up and leave. They leave when they find work and I was left trying to pick up the pieces and not feel so disappointed. They forgot me, but I haven't forgotten. Those times were special, but now it's time for me to let go of that and learn to fly!

In SL, I am trying to learn to fly too. I suck at actual avatar flying, but that's not what I mean. I mean learning to make something of myself. I have become something of a creator. Though I'm not that good yet, I'm keeping at it. I now have 7 poses in a vendor. There is my first pose that I haven't put out yet. I was thinking of saving it, but I'm not sure yet. I'm learning the art of promotion. My friend madi has taught me a little and so has Chrissy and others. I need to be persistent.

And lately I feel like I need to learn how to discern a good person from a bad person in SL. I keep finding and making bad friends. I tried to believe that they would want to be better out of love for me...I'm a sucker for that line, "You make me want to be a better man." But that's not at all realistic, is it? Few men actually love a woman enough to want to change their ways.

For now, I'll keep up the faith and try to laugh off my faux pases. My spirit might be weak but my mind is strong and my determination is pulsing as strong as my heartbeat!

Busy, busy, and more busy

2011-03-20T20:32:00.000-04:00

Well, in RL I've been actively job hunting. Online hunting just hasn't worked for me. I tried that and I'm not doing that again. So, I just go visit employment agencies and basically harass them. This week, I have an interview at an agency. I'm taking time off from my new job to go. If I can get a better job, I'll leave this new job. It's at a factory, light industrial is what they term it. I mostly see young men and women, both young and old working at the tables. It's pretty slow and not noisy at all.

In SL, I've set up vendors. Kain helped me set it up. So I've got 6 poses loaded as of today. I'm still working on more poses and more sculpts.

Kain has started making poses too. I'm glad I got her interested in using QAvimator. It takes practice and patience (though I don't think I have much), to get used to the program. She wants to add them to her furniture. We took a Qavi class on Friday morning about how to save to the program and things to remember when uploading. Unfortunately there was this griefer. I ended up ARing him after class when Kain said he bothered her in IM and then I remembered that what he said in local was quite inappropriate for a PG region, Boomer Island, part of New Citizen's Incorporated, NCI. He talked about being "high" and wanting to buy marijuana and he was also rambling too. Protomas, bless her soul, was trying to keep going with class and didn't ban him. I later told her about how he IM'd kain and me (called me a cow and said I "should stop asking f'ing stupid questions". She said that if she has known, she would've booted him from the sim. Kain wanted to kick him in the shin and I wanted to knock him unconscious. Lol, i'm so violent. But then, this is from someone who watched cowboy movies and action movies when she was younger. I still love those, though not as much as before. After AR'ing, I muted him.

I'm using GIMP to edit the photos, editing the background, cropping pics, and adding text. I still have a lot to learn, but I understand layers now. For every step, you should add a layer, a transparent layer...unless you want to darken or lighten the photo. I just use a transparent layer.

Well, I start work tomorrow. I'm nervous. But I'm sure I'll do fine. Earlier Jake came by my place to wish my luck. How sweet of him! Alexhayden wished me luck too, I caught him inworld this evening...exploring as usual. :-) I hope I do fine tomorrow. I really hope I can do this job. If I do bad, I'll just quit. In the meantime, I'm wating and looking for better job opportunities. :-)

Art and Creation in SL

2011-03-10T20:13:00.000-05:00

SL would be so drab without it. So it grieves me to hear that an artist who I met and wrote about has passed away. Sabrinaa Nightfire, mastermind of Erato of Caerleon lost her fight with cancer. She will be missed. The sim is called Bloom by Sabrinaa. The place is absolutely stunning....green green lawns, huge flowers, steep slopes...
Here is a video from fellow artist and friend, Fuschia Nightfire, who is also one of my friends: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yhS2jvPtF1o. I will write more and post more pics soon.

Since this post is about creation, I'll share what has been happening in my creation department. I've created more poses. The picnic pose is my latest. I have another pose that is almost finished, I'm not quite satisfied with the arm positioning. I think that's a common problem...getting the arms to look right. Somehow, they almost always look funny to me.

I've been trying to learn GIMP for over a month. I think I'm getting the hang of it. There are so many things you can do like blurring, adding shadows, all kinds of rendering, adding transparency...I'm liking it. It's great that there are all these great tutorials online. Years ago, there wasn't so much so I tried GIMP and gave up. Now, I'm thinking that it won't be long until I'm very comfortable with the program. I've even started shading on the UV avatar templates. Soon, I hope to have some clothes in inventory. Then I'll have to find out about resizing scripts.

Later.

Goodbyes and Hellos

2011-03-01T20:26:00.000-05:00

On Sunday I finally realized and accepted that my SL bro, Brandon, has left SL for good. I waited for him to return. I'm not a patient person...it's hope that kept me going. Yesterday I mustered up my courage to ask one of his friends if he had left. As I suspected, it was true. She's nice and when I asked if I could talk to her from time to time, she said yes. It has taken me months to accept this fact. It really saddens me, but I have to let go. I hope that he is happier with RL, SL only brought him sadness and drama. He was such a sensitive soul and he found it to be more than he could take. In memory of him, I visited all the places we went to...the place where we met, the places where we liked to sit and talk. Unfortunately, one of his favorite places is now gone. It had the rock where he liked to think. I put a rock in my backyard months ago, but he never did get to see it. But I'm going to keep it there, in memory of him. I will miss him a lot. Maybe he'll come back and visit once in awhile, but I won't hold my breath. There are so many good people I know that are still around me and that is such a comfort. Not everyone I care about will just vanish.

Later that night I ran into 2 Spanish people. One at a favorite store where I know the owner and we talk from time to time and he's a friend. My Spanish isn't that good, but she understood me fine. The other was a man who I met at an Egypt sim. He seemed very polite. I talked a bit with him and gave him a Spanish info hub LM. He left shortly after. That felt nice. From time to time I do help some of the Spanish speakers on SL. Brinda helped me find one for him. I also thought of Tsali who I haven't seen since mid-January. Tsali has folders for over 100 countries in SL. He gave me a China folder once. He once had a library in SL. He's a sweet guy. He does a lot in SL, but he's modest...not full of himself. I like that about him.

This morning not long after I logged in, I saw Tsali log in. Wow! I was overjoyed and wondered if it really was him. Sure enough, it was him. He and I spent hours talking like we did before he left for over a month. It was like he had never left. He was pleased to see me and we had a fun time. I really needed that. He's one of the dearest friends I have. It was fortunate that I met him in October.

Curiosity and Privacy

2011-02-18T15:45:00.001-05:00

"How do you know you're right, with your answers?" he said.

"I don't. But every question's a tension inside, a little electric shock, and it crackles through me till it finds an answer. When a question touches an answer, it grounds on intuition, there's a blue flash, the tension's gone. It doesn't say right or wrong, it just says answered."

This passage is from "Running From Safety" written by Richard Bach. Richard is talking to his younger self, Dickie, about learning and knowing how he knows things. Dickie wants to know how he knows when he has a right answer. Honestly, we don't know. I really like and agree with Bach's answer. A lot of times, we aren't certain that we know the answers, but we can feel if they're right sometimes...it's like an intuitive feeling and you feel like the "tension's gone".

I've always wanted to know about the world around me. I have been called a "little explorer." It's not about what I learn so much as it's the process in which I learn that little token of thought...that delicious answer. When I discover it, something in me clicks and I know that I have the answer. It's a wonderful sentiment.

Now about privacy, last night at a Phoenix 201 class about the Phoenix viewer, I learned about SL web profiles. I searched my name and sure enough, my name can be found from secondlife.com. I heard that it had been there for a year already. Is this one reason why the TOS was updated? Only now people have started to talk about it, besides redzone. However, redzone has been around for awhile, so why the anger now? I learned about redzone in October or November not long before I de-friended jonny. He had told me that there were toys to identify if someone had an alt. Anyway, these web profiles are a violation of privacy. I think that viewing SL profiles should be a privilege only limited to SL residents and should only be viewable inworld. At the SL website, there can be profiles...but only if people want to create one. It could be like a simple profile like a blogger profile for instance...you can control what you put in. I also learned from a post by Kabaleyero Kidd that you even have your own profile link...made me think of myspace. Only difference is...with myspace, you expect to be searchable and you make up the profile link. But with SL, none of us made our profile links...SL made them behind our backs. Sure, there is a privacy setting that you can change but this is after the fact, just like grid reports are made sometime after residents have been crashed because of a nice "unscheduled" region rollback. They like to say "resolved" just after it happens and you don't know ahead of time usually. See if you can find the privacy tab. I'm still looking for it. It feels like LL just pulled the rugs out from under our feet. Kidd says that a lot of people wanted this, but I'm thinking that those people are a minority. Privacy is such a loaded issue these days due to 9/11, NSA wiretapping, street cams in London, crowded living areas across the globe, etc. Once again, LL shows how it doesn't really care about us, the residents who keep LL alive through upload fees, membership fees for those who are premium, rent for mainland sims, commissions from items posted on marketplace...did I miss anything?

Here's the link to Kidd's blog: http://www.in2ndlife.com/2011/02/take-advantage-of-the-new-second-life-web-profiles/

Newbies and Changes

2011-02-12T21:23:00.000-05:00

I've been doing well lately. I'm glad that I have a job. While I have finished work for this month, I know I will be back to work next month. I'm doing very well. I do good work and it helps that I'm likable. I told a friend that some of it is "innate" and the rest is luck. I'm going to see what else I can do. I am signed up with 2 employment agencies.

In SL, I've been playing around with Qavimator. I am still doing static poses. I have a handful already made, but only 2 have been uploaded. I usually preview them for awhile and adjust them before uploading. I find that I can preview, keep Qavi open, close the preview window and reopen and then retry the animation. Once I have enough static poses, I'll move on to making animations. I've heard that that is harder. It will require me to add more frames and sync the movements so it looks natural. That won't be for awhile.

I happened to go to Morris on Friday morning. It was noisy as usual. However, I saw a newbie who looked a lot like Ian Somerholder who plays Damon Salvatore in The Vampire Diaries. I watched the first season of that show. And I admit to having a small crush on Ian...I think it's those brooding eyes. This guy said that he made his look from a skin, shape, and hair that he bought. I thought that was impressive. I even got a few pics.

Last night I hung out with my friend Pere. She took me to see Help People Island and Heaven's Gate. I had a friend who was and still is a Help People fan. He told me about it in passing when I was new, but he never gave me an LM or took me there. I realized that last night, but a good friend said that I deserved the best and that friend was not the best. He didn't really help me much as I recall. I learned most of what I know from lurking in group chat, newbie groups, and through my own initiative. I have always been an explorer, ever curious about what is out there. Heaven's Gate is another place for newbies. The owner, Heaven, who is Japanese, has a lot of free hair and there are some free group gifts. The skins are well made with a distinct Japanese flavor.

Despite the painful reminders of someone I knew once, last night was fun.

In time, I'll be able to laugh at that loser. I only laugh when I think of how his SL lover is into open collar and he isn't. He could get jealous of how she bestows her attentions on others. By now I understand how open collar is. The master or mistress can control their sub. However, this guy likes to be in control. So I sense that he won't be in control of his lover for very long. Haha. People get what they deserve. I'm just glad he didn't control me for long.

There is so much that I can do in SL. I can build, play, talk with others, and just enjoy the scenery.

New Beginnings

2011-02-01T23:17:00.000-05:00

I feel like my life is starting anew almost. Except that on the radio this morning I heard songs I liked listening to when I was in grade school. It reminds me of old times when I was more hopeful and more optimistic about life. I didn't understand the bitterness and cruelness of the world. It's like some of that innocence was lost. And in fact, no one can keep all of their childish innocence. The freshness dissipates fast and doesn't return, unless we try to re-establish it. I think Richard Bach tries to do that with his writing, as does Norman Vincent Peale. For that, I am grateful that I have read writings from both men. Both are brilliant minds of their generation. We all need some freshness in our lives. So I try to learn new things whenever I can. I try to read all kinds of books, at least ones that don't bore me to death haha.

I started a new job yesterday. Today was my first full day. I worked 8 hours. I met some nice people and everyone in my group seems nice and helpful. I think I'll do well at the office. I'm not as awkward as I thought I would be, despite being the only Asian reader. But it only adds to my credit that I will be working there for at least a few days.

I am starting to like Qavimator. I am making static poses. So far, my poses are off but I'm learning how to make it so that the AO doesn't interfere with the animation. You need to set at least a 1 or -1 for x, y, and z. It works wonderful. A neat youtube video showed me that.

I still struggle with blender, but I have taken some classes. And I know where to find tutorials. I'll have to follow the video ones closely.

A friend told me to try prim oven. I heard about it. It makes sculpts out of things that are less than 16 prims. I might try it sometime. I'm not sure when.

I know Sophie uses Sculpt Studio and kain does too. That product is not free like blender, however I heard it is easier to use. Sculptcraft is another program.

Two Tuesdays ago I opened up my store. I was sad the sim owner wasn't there. I still haven't seen him. And on Sunday, I set up shop at Ross's. Brinda is letting me use the spot for a month. Then I'll see what else I can find. Eventually, I want the store on a parcel. A 512 m one would be okay. That would give me around 1000 prims. That would work for me. First I need to see how many people I can get interested in my store. With little profits, I can't afford my own store. Anyway, why should I hurry? It's fun to build a business or anything from the ground up. It's an adventure. Until then, I can just rent a small spot with 150 prims or less. The least amount would be 20 prims. There's so much to think about. :)

Until later.

The Perfect SL Woman?

2011-01-21T23:14:00.000-05:00

Today I logged into secondlife.com and happened to see a discussion post asking guys what they like in a SL woman. The poster was named Venus, pretty fitting right? Venus is the Roman god of love, Greeks called her Aphrodite (the better name in my opinion). I read through all the 11 pages, skimmed the last few actually. It left me feeling baffled, amused, and disgusted.

Do you even have to ask? Number one thing guys go for a hot avatar...boobs, long legs, full lips, all the right curves...real life and second life. All this talk about intelligence and sense of humor, it's mostly conjecture and talk. All guys have the need for attractiveness, sexual appeal.

I said in one post that I'm considered intelligent. So why am I alone and constantly getting rejected or laughed at? Intelligence sets people apart. It makes them square, stubborn, and free-spirited. I have never been like the other girls. Most guys, if they understand that, wouldn't say they like intelligence. A smart person doesn't have to necessarily depend on company or just one person to satisfy them. A smart person goes to art, literature, music, building, scripting...not dancing all the time or hanging at clubs.

I know I haven't been a member of SL for long, but my meager experience tells me that guys like a new girl for the first month. And if she doesn't want to show more skin or throw herself at him, or make him her Sun...then he'll move on. Most guys seem to be like that. At least for 2 guys I've known, they knew they couldn't be my center, so they found a woman who idolized them more than I did or ever could.

I like to do what I want to do. Most of the time, I wander alone whether in my thoughts or on the grid. I spend time with friends everyday, but I can't and won't let one person take up all my SL time, never again.

One girl or guy in the thread said f*** you. Good answer actually. Guys test a new girl in the first month. Obviously I fail, but it's fine with me. I am happy as I am...writing, estate managing, exploring, slapping MM boards, building, sorting inventory, taking classes and I think that's it. I like being productive. The 'friends' I have who don't do much, they end up cutting my card. I try not to mind it too much. I won't change just for that person. I may be young, but I'm not young enough that I can be easily changed. Stubborness runs in both sides of my family.

I learned how to make prim sandals at NCI, very cool. I intend to make many more. I got some new gem textures lately.

I haven't had any visitors to my store lately. I have joined some MM groups and I got one MM board. I'll keep trying. I hope to see Tsali soon. I'm still worried by his long absence.

Until later.

Some news in RL and SL

2011-01-16T16:15:00.000-05:00

RL news is that I have a temp job, found out 2 Fridays ago. I went for an interview, more like just filling out forms and meeting with a staffing agency supervisor. I'm all set for a few months. It's good.

SL news...

I'm setting up a store in SL. A friend is helping me out. I haven't seen him in a few days, so I'm a little concerned. If I don't see him soon, I may look for another place for my store. I can find a little place and maybe have only 50 prims. The friend gave me 150, but I can do fine with less. The store had at least one visitor already. Someone got 2 free avatar startup kits for male and females...given to me by brinda. Great idea! Last night I set up a welcome mat, online status indicator, tip jar, W E vendor, and a Palais kiosk. I will add a Benares advertisement as well. And of course, put up more stuff. I'm still working on the sign, but I know what I'll call my store and that I also want to create some of my own stuff. I'm trying to learn QAvimator, Blender/Jass, Gimp, and some scripting. Wish me luck!

Little piece of news...I think I know how to organize my inventory better. It'll take me a long time, but I'll get that number down.

Last but not least, I will pray for Raven and all of her loved ones. It's so hard to deal with losing someone you deeply love.

Looking Forward to the new year

2010-12-31T23:08:00.000-05:00

Hello. I've been really busy lately, but I wanted to wish you a happy new year! I hope it will be better than last year. It's hard to be optimistic and I don't always succeed, but I never stop trying. I believe that people need hope to live. Even if you take their home away and their money...you can't take away their hope from them.

This is a video I found this morning from youtube:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zNuHTG6TRfw

I hope you all find peace and happiness in the future.

A Time to Give and Remember

2010-12-20T12:43:00.000-05:00

Christmas is nearing and many areas of the world have already seen snow. My area has gotten some snow yesterday and is getting snow fall today.

This weeked I had some time so I wented to The Pocket to remember Delinda Dyrssen. I didn't know her, but I'm sure she was one of the sweetest people you could ever meet.

I felt overwhelmed and glad to see so many avatars there. The most I counted was 51 avatars. The number never went down to 40. She was a much loved member of the SL community. I even snapped a few shots. I'm not sure what else to say, except that SL lost a great member.

This event was 2 weeks ago. It's late, but I wanted to post it.

For more about how you can help, join Delinda Dyrssen Memorial group.

The Grace to Live

2010-12-08T20:51:00.000-05:00

Grace means more than gifts. In grace something is transcended, once and for all overcome. Grace happens in spite of something; it happens in spite of separateness and alienation. Grace means that life is once again united with life, self is reconciled with self. Grace means accepting the abandoned one. Grace transforms fate into a meaningful vocation. It transforms guilt to trust and courage. The word grace has something triumphant in it. - Srjo Kallinen

I found this quote from a website I bookmarked a year or two ago. The website has many thoughtful, funny, interesting quotes about life and wisdom. I am glad that I happened to click on the link today. It is a comfort to me.

Srjo Kallinen, George Kallinen, was the Minister of Defense and Education in Finland. He lived from June 15, 1886 until January 1, 1976. He is now remembered as being the first and most significant pacifist of Finland. He was Minister of Defense from 1946-1948. He was an avid supporter and advocate of Eastern philosophy, particularly Buddhism. Despite his support of Buddhism, he did not identify himself with any of the religions of the world. Instead, he tried to find similarities among them.

This quote from him really resonated in my heart and mind. To me, grace is a gift that is bestowed on us. To him, grace is something more...it's about the pieces of life coming together. It's about people accepting themselves, people accepting the pain and mistakes, learning from those mistakes, and overcoming them to be better than who they are and finding a lasting people because of it. There are so many things that happen to each of us. We meet people who mistreat us, we find ourselves in unhealthy relationships and/or unhealthy environments, we lose the ones we love most, and so on. We blame ourselves for the bad that befalls us. We blame it on fate or we think that we deserve it, for whatever reason, irrational or reasonable reason as it may sound. We have these regrets. For many, it's very hard to forgive and move on. Each day it's such a task for me to smile and convince myself that I shouldn't blame myself for everything that has gone wrong or not according to plan. But sometimes you can't really plan life...things just happen.

As I wrote this entry yesterday, I heard a song by The Carpenters, "Hurting Each Other." The lines I feel are relevant are:

Can't we stop hurting each other
Gotta stop hurting each other
Making each other cry
Breaking each other's heart
Tearing each other apart.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sqkVNHwJfKc

I feel like there's a lot of self-hating going on in today's world. Many people try to be something they're not. Heck, I used to want to be dropdead gorgeous, tall, and popular. It took me a few years to accept that I could never be any of those things and popularity isn't as good as they make it out to be in those teen movies and teen shows from the 80s up till now.

What will it take for the people to finally say, "Let's just stop the ineffectualness of our ways and learn to love ourselves for how we are", huh?

Posted around 6:24pm on Dec. 9th.

Internet connection problems and Thanksgiving...

2010-11-28T22:52:00.000-05:00

I'm back from celebrating Thanksgiving. I was logged in SL hours ago and then I get kicked off, when my connection goes down. Having Internet can be frustrating...right? Oh it was so nice when I didn't know about the Internet and computer problems. I've been logging into IE and my many viewers. I can finally post in here. Winter is my least favorite time of year too. I get mad when ice and snow cause the power to go out and other utility lines to fail. It's more like panic. I don't like when it happens, it just happens without warning. First I wonder if I did something wrong. Then after several minutes and countless restarts I realize that it's my ISP. Thankfully, I was able to get back online.

Thanksgiving was a bit chilly, but there was no snow. I had a nice weekend with my family. I enjoyed the turkey and some Chinese takeouts. It was nice to see everyone relax.

Well, I'm going to go. I have a longer post to come. It might be out in days or in a week. It depends on my momentum.

Much To Be Thankful For

2010-11-22T22:46:00.000-05:00

Hey, I'm back!

I want to wish you all a Happy Thanksgiving! I hope you will enjoy it. More importantly, I hope you know and understand what you have to be grateful for. Above all, I know that I have my life to be thankful for. Life is a gift. Not everyone keeps it. And I've had some serious scrapes (no major car accidents or long hospital stays) and God could've decided it was time for me to go, but he kept me alive. I'm still here and kicking! Hahaha. I think I'm kind of lucky.

Whether you spend the holiday weekend with family and friends or whether you spend it alone, I hope you remember that life is all we really have...not our stuff (or "shit" as young people nowadays like to say), not our money, not even our titles (professional or scholarly titles or whatever titles like Sheikh or Duchess).

Lately I heard this song from the musical Hair. I love the scene in the movie where Treat Williams dances and maybe sings to this song. It's really funny, I think. This is the scene, I found it!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-1LRD3DtFAo

Help Is Always Granted To Those Who Look For It

2010-11-12T16:34:00.000-05:00

This is what I've been learning for awhile now. Since November 10th, I was locked out of my main account in SL. I talked to lots of people, including 2 Lindens. And I got to meet them, believe it or not. So, I got one teddy bear. :-). Hehe. One of my oldbie friends was a little jealous. I'm so pleased that I am inworld once more in my main and that I had several good friends who talked me through it and encouraged me to seek help, calling Support, and submitting tickets. After 3 tickets, 2 phonecalls, 2 and 1/2 days, countless login tries...I am backkkkk. Ah, it feels good! I was afraid my account had been hacked. Truth is, it wasn't...just a horrid case of ghosting. I have no idea where avi went, but I tp'ed inworld to The Boardroom Sim. For some reason, home position was set at Korea. That's where I set home for my alt...strange. Anyways, I have all my inventory as far as I know. I have my HUDS, notecards, objects....everything. It's wonderful if you have friends with you who are there for you during hard times.

I intend to go back to Linden Village soon and thank them for listening. And of course, one of the Lindens I met with didn't have a teddy bear made yet to give to me. Hehe. I'd be interested to see what it looks like.

In real life, if you don't complain and request for help, who will help you? You need to get out there and make some noise to get noticed! I will try to practice what I'm preaching. I will try to be strong and more determined about my life.

Also, I've recently read Jonathan Livingston Seagull and Illusions, both written by Richard Bach. My very good friend recommended them to me. They are excellent books. They talk about how you control your destiny, you don't know to follow the flock (if you're a bird) or crowd, and how you can create your life. I love the quote in Illusions about how people are in our lives for a reason. Another good one is that we can start our lives over if we want. We don't have to live the way we were taught to live, we are life, we are in the driver's seat. I'm just paraphrasing what I've read. These are two books that I think everyone should read and perhaps even own. The next book I'm reading, Messiah's Handbook...also by Richard Bach. A few pages a day is like a calming elixir for the mind. The words are so simple and yet I sense the profoundness.

Well, I'll sign off now.

Take care and be happy!

Griefers...why do they do it and are they truly happy griefing?

2010-10-27T17:59:00.000-04:00

The very nature of griefing is grim, isn't it? You spread your grief to others by pushing, bumping, destroying or sending out pollutants or projectiles. The attitude is not a happy one. It's like how an ogre grumbles to vent out his frustration.

Anyway, I was a victim of a griefer this afternoon at 12:15 SLT. It was a CarlJhonson (not sure if the name is right, but it was CarlJ in the first part) Beorn...made me think of that Bjorn guy who visited and wreaked havoc at Benares last month or so over at Flor's and Felicia's parcel. He used a push script on my avatar, so she went flying up to about 1 or 2 meters, it looked like I had leaped over a fence. It was so fast that I didn't get a chance to screenshot and I was totally stunned. I did AR him though, as did my friend Sim. Sim got bumped into by the guy and in local the guy said, "you are so nice". Ummm...okay, creepy much? We were just hanging out at a sandbox, Kelly Work Zone. Sim tells me griefers like to hang there, but I've never felt like it happens much. I go there at least once a week, so what do I know?

In Phoenix Viewer Support group chat, I talked to an oldbie, Syn. In chat, they were talking about cutting cards and not being able to hide your offline status. I didn't know that in the SL viewer, that's where your status is truly hidden. She IMs me to talk because of chat lag...yuck. So, she's been on SL since 2004 and she owns several sims. She said that LL likes pervs. If you set draw distance to 1024 or 1028m, you can perv two sims apparently. Lol, isn't that nice? She mentioned that when she's dressing in her house, some guys around 900 days old say to her, "nice tits". That's so immature and annoying. But what can you do? It's not a crime to perv unless it goes too far. But how much is too much? I invited her to come to Benares where it's more private, but then that's when she tells me that she owns several sims. She thanks me and tells me that she appreciates my caring. I love how group chat for help or support groups have such great members helping out there. And some of the nice ones aren't even officers of the group and that makes it even nicer. I'm sure I'll see Syn in chat again soon.

Anyway, enough about griefing.

I attended the SL Blogger's party at Benares. I was there for about the first 20 minutes. I managed to get 3 shots, when I wasn't busy IMing and watching my avatar dance with Sim. Turns out, I won 250L for one of the best costumes. I went as an angel and I had these black tattoos on my chest, stomach, and legs. It was original and free. Sometimes, you can find some great free stuff. Actually, most of what I own is freebies. I have a few dresses and shoes and maybe 1 hair that I bought. It's just fun to explore and see what SL creators can create.

Remember I was upset about a guy I de-friended? Well, I'm mostly over that thanks to Sim. I met Sim a few days after at Kelly Work Zone...like October 2nd...not really sure. I just know that it's been over 3 weeks since we've known each other. I think we're a couple, but what matters is that we enjoy exploring and talking to each other. One thing that stumps me is why he lags at my house. Maybe he doesn't have enough RAM? Or maybe I have too many scripts in my house too? I'm thinking of getting a lower prim house. We'll see. What I really want is to build my own house, but one step at a time. I have no idea what it will look like, but probably it will be basic. I really don't need a fancy house. I want something spacious, nice windows, flat roof, and a few balconies. Also, I'd prefer sliding doors.

It's so nice to dream. Smile and believe in goodness!

Vic

We all must stay strong

2010-10-08T16:26:00.000-04:00

By now, we all have heard about the slews of bullying. The Tyler Clementi case is probably the one that brought bullying to the forefront again. I just heard about an incident in Mentor, Ohio where a pretty Croatian girl was bullied so badly that she started taking online classes. Sadly, a week later she committed suicide. She had so much to live for...a love of music, a love of dance...a loving home. Who wouldn't like this girl? Yet girls at school were so mean to her, probably they were jealous of her. She tried so hard to stand up to them, yet it wasn't enough. Those girls are deeply mentally ill. They even laughed at her funeral. It makes me want to cry an ocean when I hear of something like this. I know what it's like to be bullied. It never got that bad, but it got bad enough that I reported it to the school administrators...well my mom did. Years later, some of those bullies apologized to me or at least felt ashamed of it. Live! Don't resort to suicide! Wait and see if the bullies ever feel remorse later! If they have a conscience, they will!

Bullying is such a crisis in the world, not just in the United States. I don't know about international cases, but I'm sure they're out there. Why does it happen? What can we do to stop it? Why don't people do more to stop it? If we knew all the answers, the world would be a better place to live in.

It's tragic occurrences like this that should make us feel less unhappy about how problematic our lives are. We all have problems, but not all of them are as difficult to handle as being bullied. If we can complain and we don't feel inferior to anybody, then we are lucky. I know how easy it is to complain, I still do it a lot. I feel grateful that I had my mother behind me when I felt angry and frustrated with how people treated me in grade school. It would be unwise of me to just say that we just have to believe in ourselves to get through hard times. What we all really need most is for people to support us and really make an effort to stop the bullying. In my case, if those people had not been confronted by the principal and had not been embarassed, they would not have stopped and I would have had a breakdown. One boy even cried, I really couldn't believe it. I even felt bad for him, which most people would find strange. As I saw with the Croatian girl's case, even standing up for oneself isn't enough. The administration should have done more to get the girls off her back. Unfortunately, they didn't. Again and again we see that people see the wrongs going on, but they don't pick up a finger to improve matters...they let it happen. Why? Is it laziness, lack of caring...what?! It really infuriates me. It seems savage to me. We can help, so why do we just watch?!

Here's a video by Black-eyed Peas. It's an old song, but a relevant song. Where is the love? Don't we care? Isn't it a crime to just watch while innocent, good people die before our eyes? Think about it.

The Courage To Let Go

2010-09-30T16:47:00.000-04:00

Today, Sept. 30, I finally let go. The first guy I fell for in sl, we're not friends anymore. I tried for 2 months, but it didn't work. I was trying to make it work and trying to get over him by being his friend again, but I just didn't feel any sincerity. I told him I felt "ill" to talk to him or even see his name, and I really meant it. He said he tried to make time for his friends, but I just didn't get any time unless I reached out to him. He said he hated confrontation. Well bub, if you don't want confrontation...don't wrong a friend in the first place. It's funny, he unbanned me just to talk this morning. What a jerk, right? Even when I knew about the ban from discovering it myself, he didn't apologize or remove the ban. I've been angry with him for almost 3 months, can you believe it? I'm not an angry person, really. But he just seems so cold and uncaring. I talk to him and I feel so cold and empty. Where was the warmth? It's all gone. Some friends are only good to you while you're still young, fresh, and vulnerable. When you get to a certain age, I'm told, the chances of being used are greatly reduced.

It's hard to let go. You need courage. I finally found my courage. I finally found the will. I'm going to move on. It has taken me awhile to realize that I have many friends who really care about me and wouldn't treat me like he treated me. And yes I thought about leaving SL, but then I thought..."Just because of one jerkoff? And what about my friends? That would be heartless." So I'm staying.

I figured out so many reasons not to let him get to me and to forget about him. So now, I'm letting go. It's difficult, but I know I can do it. Staying friends with him wasn't the right decision at all. I had to realize that though.

This entry was started a few days ago. I wrote down so many reasons to distrust the guy, but I decided not to include them here.

No matter where life takes us, we all need the courage to let go. We all need to back up and say, "What is stopping me from letting go?" or "Why am I still holding on?" I have figured out this issue, but I know there will be more to come. I just hope that I can keep my wits about me and figure out how to get through them all.

Take care,
Vic

Thinking too much

2010-09-24T10:47:00.001-04:00

Sometimes it's a curse. You think too much and you feel so depressed. Thinking too much made Hamlet go insane. It can also keep me from writing. I have all these ideas stewing in my head, but there are times when I can't begin to put them down...translate them into words that sound coherent. Or perhaps they just seem so hackneyed or lame to my eyes and ears.

I was able to forgive a friend who "ditched" me. I'm not sure if that's really what happened, but it feels like it. Some people never want to admit to a thing like that...darn pride probably. They have so much self importance that they never want to concede their error...that they ever did anything so heinous as rejecting someone, a friend even...even for a brief period of time. Forgiveness is everything I think. That's how we move forward.

I read a friend's latest blog post, brinda's, and it really got me thinking. People come and go. She writes about Adric and how he passed away. He was a special person and he will be missed. I never met him but I feel like I know him. I feel a sense of loss. People leave and they leave marks behind, mostly on our hearts and in our mind...they leave an impression behind. I always try to treasure the people I know and their memories.

Digressing from that a bit, I recently lost 2 friendships. There was drama involved and even love was in the picture. I felt confused and trapped. I finally came clean about it and both friends wanted to part ways. It's sad, but if that's how it has to be, then that's it. They didn't want me to feel like I had to feel love, but in a sense, they wanted me to. Right now though, I don't want to get involved in a serious relationship. I admit that the thought of committing to one person scares me at the moment. I don't think I'm ready for that. One friend wanted me to move overseas, but I just can't do that and I don't want to consider that. It's selfish, but I have me to consider; I have my family to consider. I can't leave my family behind; they need me right now and I need them. I love them so much, how could I leave them? They raised me for so long. Going off because I think I love someone...that's just too impulsive and I know that I'm not that impulsive.

Anyway, the friend said that he understands me now and he believed I hadn't been sincere with him. The thing is, I was sincere and other times I wasn't. Most people can't stand answers like that, but it's the truth. I fluctuate between certainty and uncertainty, its part of being human too. I don't believe in clearly defining things in black and white. Life is complicated and the human brain is a complicated entity, and to do so would be over-simplifying life. And that's just not fair.

On the one hand I feel sad, but on the other hand I feel freer. It got to the point where I felt tangled. I kept on questioning my words and actions. I talked to good friends and they tried to alleviate my turmoil, but I still felt conflicted. I really didn't know what to do. So I realized that he had to back away, he had to understand. You can't force people to see your point or force them to act how you want them to act. I've always been anti-force and yes, I am a pacifist (maybe a mild one). Everything works out in the end, right?

People come and go but they leave a mark in our hearts and minds...an impression. It's hard to remove or forget. Let's just remember the goodness and always respect them. My sympathy goes out to Adric and all other good people who leave this world. May they find solace wherever they are.

Take care.

Vic

Learning to heal through understanding

2010-09-19T20:15:00.001-04:00

Lately or for quite awhile now, I've been thinking about life and my life. I have had a lot of time to think, since finishing school (finally, right?). You get out and you think...what a feeling! Insert flash dance song and choreography here. Haha, you know you love it! :-D

Anyway, I've realized that I haven't lost anything. A friend used to take me out dancing on SL every night for about a month, after I joined. Then he stopped and found another woman. It hurt and it still does. But I've come to understand that he and I were too much alike. Sure we got along well, but we're both reticent and serious. It wasn't that fun, but we were sweet to one another. People need to be with their opposites. I know I need some outgoing person to get me to laugh and be silly. I can't be silly with a serious person. But on the other hand, some funny people don't mind us serious people. It must take patience and practice. Haha. What would the world be like without the easygoing people? It would be some kind of horrible, maybe. The world needs different personalities to be lively and beautiful.

For awhile, I thought it was my fault. I blamed myself for being boring or maybe being too childish. The thing is, I'm fine the way I am. My age doesn't matter. He said "You're young", as if I could never understand him on account of a number. Age is a number and it doesn't accurately portray someone's maturity level. Quipping about age, that's just some ridiculous excuse to politely or impolitely (depending on your perspective) reject someone, not just for relationships but also for things like jobs and parties. I never thought of us in a relationship, but now I see that it was. We were exclusive, as they call it. We had to meet everyday and every night. We'd always be talking. Every second, we'd be furiously typing. And when it ended, I was so crushed. He says he likes me still, but I'm moving on. I don't want to be the "third wheel" on the bicycle. I want to find something better and just feel better about myself.

But it's not my loss. It's his loss. I was good to him and that's how he repaid me. I told him about myself. And yet, he put off telling me about the other woman. There are some things he never told me. He was always aloof. I just thought I should give him some space. The woman got him, because she pushed him, but in a way that didn't seem like pushing. That's impressive, I got to say. You can call it flirting, but I know now that it's subtle manipulation mixed with flirting. But hey, women should know how to handle men. That's just how it goes. It's about survival and getting out on top. Sometimes "the squeaky wheel gets the grease", as the saying goes. And knowing some tricks serves you well. I guess I'm not the type, but that's ok.

I feel like I learned a valuable lesson here. Sometimes, you just have to push. If the other side doesn't budge, then it's not meant to be. But you have to at least try. Even if they can't stand the pushing but you get what you want...isn't it worth it? Well, not always, it can be though. Being passive or considerate when it comes to men or jobs...it just doesn't work.

I feel stronger now. Though, I'll still have days when I feel bad about myself. However, if a person leaves you...it may not be your fault. You have to think about it, really reason it out based on any past details you remember (I remember a lot and I can be pretty perceptive and sensitve at times). In this case, it's not my fault. I was being me. I was being sweet, agreeable, and....just myself.

I want to thank all the good friends I have who have been there for me. I love you and I treasure your friendship! I don't take you for granted and I won't ditch you, even if I should find the love of my life or just a serious lover. Friends are honest and friends don't just drop a bomb on you and expect you to be okay with it, even after a month. Some people take awhile to recover. Well, enough said about that.

Here's a song I heard this weekend. I love it. I heard it when I was walking in the mall this weekend. This is Five For Fighting, Above the Timberline. It's from their latest cd, Slice. :-)

I love the band, ever since I heard "Superman" and "A hundred years".

Literacy in the United States

2010-09-13T23:20:00.000-04:00

Days ago I decided to look up statistics about the literacy rate in the United States. I wrote a post about literacy earlier this year. That book was written in the 80s, but literacy has not improved. If anything, it has worsened. That is really worrying. I want to relearn Excel, since I feel like I've forgotten how to use it. And I have some weak areas. So I find stats from 2003 and even 1994. Can I find anything more recent? No. And that really got me thinking. Has there been a record of literacy since No Child Left Behind was enacted? I'm looking and looking, but I haven't found anything. Ok so today, I find something in CIA Factbook. It's not as specific as I want. I was looking at literacy by state, as well as estimated population. But in CIA Factbook, it averages literacy in the United States. But get this, there's a note that says that literacy was recorded from individuals 15 and upwards. The percentage was 99%. Umm...really? How many people took the survey? What walks of life did they come from? It doesn't say. That's a great percentage, but I can't believe that. I want to believe it, but I know that a lot of people 15 and younger or even in their 20s, are hooked on Nintendo Wii, Grand Theft Auto, or some other video stuff that has them hooked. With all those distractions, who wants to pick up a book and read? I like to read, but some would call me odd. I didn't grow up playing nintendo or always watching TV. I watched some TV, but mostly I liked to play outside or run around the house (sometimes getting into trouble lol). I was a very active kid, until the 5th grade when I started getting more serious about studying.

Where are the statistics? Can I find some from 2005 or 2008? Or did Bush disallow that? I don't really know. And I'll keep looking. I might have to give up. Or since it's just Excel practice, I'll make up percentages. We'll see. I'm usually good at finding information online. It has me perplexed. By the way, I'm reading Dostoevsky's Crime and Punishment. It's my second time and I am nearing the end of the tome. It's a heavy, dark book but it really gets you thinking. Even if you kill for a good cause and the person you kill is like an ogre, is it justified? The protagonist thinks so, but later...I think he changes his mind. It's guilt that really torments his mind and soul. Actually, Rodion reminds me of a person I know. They're anti-social, they think a lot, very nervous type, but they're intelligent and can be charming. I'm mildly anti-social, but when I need to be, I can mingle. But I can't say I love mingling. Lol, and I digress. Must be an artsy fartsy thing.

In other news, the drama is over. Whew! It's scary. I want to stay above it as much as I can. I want to have fun and learn. I don't want a messy, complicated relationship. I'm not into dating either. If I find him, I find him. If not, I can "try it on my own", as Whitney Houston sings.

There's a lot of weird stuff going on in SL. Like last night until this afternoon, I was ghosting. I found a fix, but it ain't easy. I'll try it next time. Apparently, there is no fix for ghosting...no way to prevent it. If you go into a parcel and you check about land and it doesn't look right, you must get out quick. Or if you can't move, but you can turn and stuff, you have to log out right away and log back in. That should work. Those are if you catch it in time. If not...clear cache, log in from a different location (Bonifacio works for me, near Morris), or you just try to keep pressing enter and slip in when the server is busy letting other users in, so she sneak past, so to speak. It makes sense. So much to learn.

Here's the Whitney Houston video. It is one of my latest favorites, besides Free Loop which I posted in an earlier post.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aA9mmz508Ro&ob=av2e

Weekend and some thoughts

2010-09-11T18:48:00.000-04:00

As you know, today is September 11th. Very sad day for America. I was and still am so devastated by what happened that morning nine years ago. Oh, how the mighty can fall.

Last night I watched Michael Moore's Sicko. It was a very emotional movie for me. I know what it's like to not have health insurance. My parents have gotten laid off a few times. One time I was even home schooled.You never forget. In Sicko, Moore visits 3 workers who helped out during the cleaning of Ground Zero. All had major health problems, but because they were volunteers the city would not pay for their health costs. So, they had to suffer and try to get what little care they could...so tragic. And yet in Gitmo, detainees get proper treatment and everything they need...isn't that just loverly? :P What Moore does is take these workers along with others to Cuba to get proper treatment (tries to get them into Gitmo, doesn't work of course, ya have to be a horrid terrorist to get in.) Cuba, the most evil country in the world! Right? WRONG. The workers got the right treatment and really felt better and the Cuban firemen gave them a hero's welcome and invited them over to the fire station. It was really touching and I couldn't help crying.

What is wrong with this world we live in? Even Cuba has better health care than us and they're not nearly as wealthy as we are. Imagine that! In Britain, Canada, and France...they just help the people who need help.

In SL, there's some drama. It's so sad when people take things so seriously and get hurt. It really hurts me to see it. It's supposed to be fun. I have to remember that and concentrate on doing what I like...writing, exploring, and learning to build. I'll tackle scripting later, but I can take classes from time to time. And of course, there's wiki.

Later!

Vic

Farewell to the Lead of Lyte Funkie Ones (LFO)

2010-09-10T15:59:00.001-04:00

Yesterday, teen idol Rich Cronin of LFO died from Leukemia. He was only 35. He lost his struggle with cancer. I was heartbroken and still am. One of my favorite songs was "summer girls" even if he said "chinese food makes me sick" (I love Chinese food). It's just a funny, cute song. Even though much of it is Rap, it doesn't make me feel annoyed or like there's any hostility in it. I've heard a lot of Rap and it always seems to get on my nerves...it's mostly the lyrics that get to me...even more than the loud beat. I like a good beat, but people turn it up so high that it sounds like oppressive drumming like a powerful war drum. And war isn't something pleasant to hear about or think about. Incidentally, my family supports DAV..Disabled American Veterans. It's a good organization. I also hope that Veteran Affairs is treating the Vets better than they were years ago.

Besides "Summer girls", I remember "West side story" and "Every other time." Those songs just represent a happy time for me and the heyday of Pop music, as I've heard it being called. Life seemed more cheerful and the economy wasn't such a big disaster like it is today. But enough about that.

I encourage you to listen to songs from happier times. Today I listened to a few songs by Daniel Powter: "Free loop" and "bad day." They start out sad but then they build up and their underlying message is that you can take something sad or bad and make it into something positive. I've noticed that some comedians do that in their comedy routines. You should watch the music videos. I enjoyed watching them. The links are down below.

Summer girls:

Every other time:

West Side Story:

Free loop:
http://youtu.be/vEY_mg2y-rg

Bad day:http:http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gH476CxJxfg&feature=player_detailpage

Second Life to This Newbie

2010-09-10T09:45:00.000-04:00

Hello! I'm back. I've decided to incorporate some of my Second Life experiences here. I joined SL on the night of July 4, 2010. It was around 11pm. I had heard about SL before, but I didn't really know what it was. I heard it was a cool place where people could host events without having to leave their house or whatever. And so I've been a member ever since. My avatar is over 2 months old. I've met some great people and have had some fun times. However, I have also had some hard times too.

The thing that really saddens me is that Emerald Viewer is gone. That was the best viewerI ever used. My friend, brinda, suggested that I use it so I installed it and used it for most of my life on SL. I learned building, saving outfits, taking pictures, and more with that viewer and with brinda and other good friends. Before that, I was using SL version 2.0. Sadly, that viewer is lacking. There is now a 2.1, but the improvements in it have been small...so I've heard from some of its users. So now I use Emergence or Phoenix. A few things though. Emergence has random crashes due to memory leaks. The fix is in the latest drivers. I heard that NVIDIA has new drivers that just came out. NVIDIA is good, so if I can get the money, I will consider buying NVIDIA drivers.Regarding Phoenix, I sometimes use the debut version. There is now an update since yesterday or the day before, but I've heard some complaints about it. People complain that you have to reset the settings because they're not saved. Well yes, it's a new version and what you download from the site, is just the default version without any of your changes, no surprises there. Another complaint is the camera problems. One user I talked to last night said that she couldn't get the camera to angle the way it used to. The camera view was above her head. I tried to help her by going into the preferences dialog box, but nothing seemed to help. From what I hear, Phoenix devs haven't ironed out that problem yet. Until they fix that issue, I won't be updating Phoenix. I also want to be sure that Phoenix is stable. It's still new, as is Emergence, but Emergence is working fine for me.

I like to build things in SL. My skills are still basic, but that's why I'm taking classes. I also want to learn scripting.

Well, I must go for now. I will write more later.

Literacy issues in the USA

2010-02-16T21:21:00.000-05:00

Earlier I was listening to a WMA version of a book from the 1980s, Cultural Literacy by E.D. Hirsch Jr about the low levels of literacy in the US among the young and what we as citizens need to know and what we should do about it. By now, those high schoolers and college kids alluded to are in their late 40s to early 50s. It is no surprise to me. The same could be said of this generation, my generation. I was born in the late 80s, but the characterization is still relevant for me. And it is even worse for the kids born after me until 1995, so up to the kids who are about 15 years old right now.

I have only just started listening to it, but I have already heard how bad it was then. When a teacher asked a kid what Homer wrote one kid said: "the Alamo." That made me laugh. But it's not funny if you think about the bigger picture. What is the bigger picture? It's that Americans are not literate enough to communicate on a level comparable to the rest of the world. In the book, the author mentioned how in interviews with business managers, the managers felt that their middle men (young people working for them) were not communicating well enough to be adequately understood by others. And that is a major problem.

It is also a problem if most people can't pick up a newspaper, and be able to relate what the paper says to things they already know about the subject. Further, they probably won't be able to consider what the news will mean for the future. They won't be that easily able to "connect the dots" and realize how it will affect the world and them.

For awhile, I have thought about how my education is lacking. I was born and raised in the USA. I am taking small steps to remedy the problem. It won't happen fast. It is a gradual process.

Currently, I am trying to read about the Vietnam War. I also want to start memorizing the dates of when all the US Presidents were in office. I have a plastic ruler with all their faces and dates in office. Learning about the Vietnam War is a start. Five presidents were in office during the duration of the US involvement in Vietnam. The Vietnam War for dummies book said that maybe even seven presidents were involved in the war, and it started with FDR.

Why FDR? He had the belief that the practice of colonization should be done away with. Truman was of the same mind, but his hand was forced into it. At that time, the French claimed that if we didn't help them, Russia and Communism would spread to Vietnam. France was our ally. The fear of communism was very real back then.

But the real fighting started with LBJ's predecessor, President Eisenhower. He was a former military man.

And so I end this entry. I will be back soon. I need to write and reflect about what I learn for it to sink in. It's not about how much we accumulate, but the content that we have learned. Learning should enrich our minds, increase our culture literacy, and enrich our lives.

New Start here

2010-02-09T20:07:00.000-05:00

I want to start over. I have hardly written here. I really want to change that. I want to write better and I want to write more interesting stuff than just about myself. It does seem a bit egotistic and boring. And that's not why I started this blog. I want to write about what interests me.

College has drained me and distanced me from required education and mandatory stuff for awhile. I want to go towards free-thinking and creative writing. I want to use my imagination again and regain a sense of wonder about life. I will keep what I learned about crime, human nature, and punishment, but I will learn to feel excited again about the things I love. It's not all depressing and dark. There is always light. There is always hope and faith.

I am now on a spiritual journey to rejuvenate my spirit and find some part of myself that I haven't known since starting college. Only then can I feel more fulfilled. I don't feel more fulfilled just because I now have a Bachelor's degree. Just because I am done, it doesn't make me feel extraordinary. I did complete what I set out to do.

I want more. I want to learn more, more than what I learned in college. The journey starts here. Let's see where it takes me. The journey is everything. The destination is nothing.

Thanksgiving and more...

2009-11-28T22:01:00.000-05:00

Before I write about Thanksgiving weekend, I want to write about how I have been doing. In my last entry I wrote about Shaun T's Insanity! workout. Well about 2 weeks ago, I completed the 60 days! It is amazing! I did not lose much, but I feel lighter and my muscles have more definition. Even though I am done with the 60 days, I still want to continue using the program. There are so many moves that are challenging and ones that I can do, but they really get me sweating. I especially want to work on building up my upper body strength. I have always been weak in that area. I want to be able to do a lot of pushups. I want to firm up my triceps.

I have started to write a children's story. I have a few characters to develop and the settings to finalize. I also need to do a lot of research. I hope to finish it in a year or two. The hard part is writing everyday and actually finishing it. It is so easy to start projects and then just drop them, without even finishing. It is like starting to read a book, but only reading the first few chapters before abandoning the book. That has been happening a lot to me lately. But I hope to work on that and overcome that character flaw. I need to be diligent and persistent and steadfast in whatever I choose to take on. Abandoning anything...that is what makes a person a flake, as people say.

And now on to how Thanksgiving!

It was a nice weekend, actually. It was all 4 of us at home. We ate some turkey, cranberry sauce, yams, and drank egg nog. Later we watched a movie, during which my mom and dad drifted off to sleep. I stayed wide awake. Last night, I finally got to watch Angels and Demons. I enjoyed watching it. I would not mind watching it again. Tom Hanks is one of my favorite actors. He always brings a dignified manner to his roles, when he is not yelling or complaining like in his earlier roles. I liked seeing him in Turner and Hooch though. Hahaha. I also got to try mochi, a Japanese dessert with red bean paste in the middle. Each one is bite-sized and soft and gummy. I really like it.

Well, until next time. Chau!

New beginnings and old memories...

2009-09-23T22:40:00.000-04:00

Yesterday, I started the 60-day Insanity! challenge. It is so different from any workout I have ever done. It mixes interval training with resistance exercises. It is truly a challenge. I feel sore and stiff, but motivated. I decided to keep a log. So this is day 2 of Insanity!

I also started talking to two friends who I have not spoken to in awhile. It feels good. To new beginnings!

As to old memories, I visited my old junior high school. I was there for four years...5-8th grade. That was the first time since I left in June 2001. I really missed it. I saw a few teachers and one girl who I sort of knew. Just walking around the school brought back so many memories. The front doors were different. The secretary was different. Mrs. Lewis was still there. The pastor is still there and he was teaching a class in the library. I had wanted to go up on the balcony, but I did not want to disturb his class. The principal is the same, but he was at another satellite school. There are 2 other satellites...wow! The school has really expanded and grown. There was only the one school when I was there. The area near the Afica lake was fenced and off limits. I had wanted to go down there. I would go there whenever I could, when I was younger. I would read and talk to God and sit on a square rock. I really miss it. And the playground was still there, except for some new toys. The old slide and swings and see-saw were still there. Wow. I thought of my best friend. The auditorium had the same chairs, except that there were less of them. It seemed like the room had shrunk. The podiums looked much the same. I saw the jr high school room, and the room I had science in...it was so different. Now, the school has kindergarten to 6th graders. I did not see any high schoolers. The parking lot when we arrived was so empty. I walked into the room where I remember my crush used to go in to get his stuff...it was just a locker room...no desks, just a few chairs. I felt empty, but I had the memories to keep the smile in my eyes and in my heart.

I learned that most of my teachers had left...science teacher, computer teacher, latin teacher, English teacher, music teacher, and maybe even my catholic history teacher is gone. I was glad to see some familiar faces. The school nurse is still the same, but she was not at school today. Her little son is now 11 and loves basketball. Wow. Time flies. I saw him when he was 3 and was just starting to walk. Hehe. He was so cute.

Before mom and I left, I turned in an application form for substitute teaching. I am interested in teaching. It will be just a temporary thing, if they call me back. I am not certified. However, I have some tutoring/teaching experience. I have a good feeling that I will get called back. I did not get to talk to Mrs. Lewis, but I know that she remembers me. I know the principal remembers me. He once told my mom that she did a great job raising me. He taught me history and alegebra I one year, that was fun.

I was telling my mom yesterday how I wanted to visit my old school. I was surprised that she wanted to take me there today. It was a really pleasant surprise. And I am glad that we went. I hope to come back soon. There are more people that I need to see and talk to.

Until next time.

Long weekend

2009-08-17T23:17:00.000-04:00

The day after my last post I heard that grouchy guy would be heading to California for grad school, Berkley on Sunday (yesterday). I guess I will miss him.

Lately it has been sunny and hot. I love it. I am getting so tan too. I feel happier though. Some of it is because of the hot weather. The rest is because I am glad to be done college and I am set on living each day one at a time. I will not think too much ahead. And I will not think of the past. Also, it helps me not to read too much depressing news. I need to be optimistic. I want to be done with depression for a little while.

This weekend is long because I am helping my parents paint the exterior of the house. My dad took 3 days off to finish the job. The front is done. And soon the back will be done. It looks good. The color is sky blue. I like it. I intend to take pictures when it is done.

Unexpected event

2009-08-08T21:38:00.000-04:00

Today I saw an old crush, grouchy guy. I was with my parents and we were entering the pool area. He was sitting at the front desk. When I saw him, I kept on walking. But I was shocked, that I kept on staring as I walked forward. I did not stop until I bumped into my mom's bag. I had not been watching where I was going. She had realized that my dad was talking to him and she needed to let him swipe her swim pass. As I was staring at him, his eyes were looking right back at me. Our eyes were locked and I could not look away. I cannot remember anything like that happening to me before. And when we left the pool, he was the only one who said "bye" and he said it in such a cheerful tone. I had never heard him sound so happy before. Before that, he leaned back in his chair and let out a low "argh!"

My mom said that his eyes looked puffy and smaller, but I did not notice. All I saw were his eyes and his hair. He has cut it short. It used to be curly and longer. He does look meaner, even meaner than the last time I saw him after my college graduation ceremony. So apparently, he has gone back to work at the pool over the summer. I have no idea if he will be back tomorrow or next weekend. I do not know when he will leave or if he will be working at the pool next summer. I am just happy to have seen him again. I like looking into his eyes and looking at him. He is like a dream...an unattainable dream to me. But when he looks at me, I feel like I am an unattainable dream to him as well. I feel beautiful and it is quite a heady feeling. So I think I am almost over him.

Who am I not over? That English/Philosophy major boy. I shall call him Italian boy. I think of him or I see his name and I still feel hurt. With his eyes and his body language, he tells me that he likes me and yet he is afraid to admit it. He tries to avoid me, as if he can escape his feelings...as if he can forget his feelings for me and the moments we spent together in college. I will be over him, but I need time. I wonder how long will it take. Half a year? A year? Two years? It seems like it takes a long time for me to heal. And each time I heal, I find someone else to become infatuated with. I wish I could prevent that from happening. I wish I could be numb and not feel tenderness or fondness for any man who is nice or attractive. Maybe I should think that all guys are bad. But then I will be a man-hater, no? I do not want that either. So what can I do? Is the answer right in front of me?

The month of August.

2009-08-07T11:08:00.000-04:00

It has been a hot and muggy August in my area. I have been busy with GRE prep and tutoring two women from Nepal. They want to get their driver's licenses by the end of this month. I just quiz them on things they should know like traffic rules, traffic signs, and right-of-way. This is also a chance for me to refresh my knowledge about driving regulations and such. I look forward to seeing them every week.

Besides that, soon there will be a court case. My sister was assaulted by some caretaker. First will be the criminal trial. Then we will start the civil trial. Later today we will meet with a lawyer for our civil suit. Yesterday we meet with a criminal lawyer in probate court. Our case is looking good. We got DNA from the perpetrator and it may be enough to send him to prison for a few years. The maximum is 10 years, but that is okay. As long as he gets punishment and is not let free, then we will feel a little better. He should not be allowed to hurt any other innocent girls. I do believe in justice. Someday, everyone gets what they deserve.

In fitness news, I am about 15 to 16 lighter than before. I have lost all my college weight. I hope to eventually lose the weight I gained in high school. I feel great. I am seeing definition in my arms, legs, stomach, waist, face, neck, and feet. I always had flat feet, but lately I have been seeing more of an arch. I now know that I had fat feet, not flat feet. Anyway, I think I need to lose another 20 pounds and then I will be around 120 pounds. That will be ideal. I have made much progress and I am very proud of my accomplishment.

Where have I been?

2009-07-11T21:28:00.000-04:00

I'm still around. I've just been so busy. I graduated in May with a BA in Philosophy and Justice Studies. I realized I was still in love with a guy and even more than I thought. But most of all, I realized how much I love language. I want to study Linguistics in graduate school. It has always been a major interest and love of my life.

I've been thinking about letting go and fear and love. That guy I referenced, he likes me but he won't admit it. Instead, he is with another guy. I wonder if it will work. But a few weeks ago, I decided to let go. It's not meant to be. He is convinced that she's the one. I can't and won't argue about that. I hope we can keep in touch, but I'm not sure if that's what he wants. I haven't noted him, out of fear...fear that he won't respond. I think it's best that I wait. But if he never talks to me again, then that's that. I'm not putting too much hope in him. I hope that maybe in grad school or when I travel, that I'll meet some good people and even one good guy who wants to get to know me and who isn't afraid to tell me so.

I have a week or two until my diploma comes in the mail. I can't wait!

Yesterday, I met with 2 Nepalese women to help them prepare for the written driver's license test. My coordinator told me about it on Tuesday. It feels so good to be helping out again. I was hit hard when I found out that I wouldn't see the two Punjabi Indian women again. But that's life. Sometimes you're up and it seems like it's all good, and then at other times, it's like nothing is going right. That's over now. I just need to move forward.

In other news, I've started watching 24. I love it. I think it's interesting that the California Senator in there, who is blac, becomes president. It's like 24 predicted the future. Wow! Did the writers see that or what? Haha, who knows?
I hope our president has a good man working for him like David Palmer does. Jack Bauer is great.

Spanish fluency? I wish.

2009-03-30T22:34:00.000-04:00

Today in one of my classes, my professor mentioned that the courts are looking for Spanish interpreters. They need some people who are fluent in Spanish. I would like to apply, but I don't think I'm fluent. So I've had 4 years of Spanish...but I feel like there's still so much that I don't know. I could survive on what I know, but I just don't feel confident. If I listen to the Spanish channel, I just can't keep up. They talk fast and I need time to first identify the Spanish word and then translate it into English. And believe me, that takes time. I'm sure anyone who speaks two or more languages understands this to be true.

So what am I going to do next? Tomorrow, I plan to go to her office to ask her about it. Then I might contact the administrator at the court and see if maybe I could take a fluency test. If I don't pass it, it'll be okay. I just want to see how I'd do. I've never taken a Spanish fluency test or any national Spanish test. So I have no idea how I compare to other Spanish students worldwide. However, I do know that I learn easily. I just love learning.

My plan to improve my Spanish is to see if I can look up some stuff about Spanish, just a little bit a day. It could be about the culture, some sentences in Spanish, a news article, poetry, a story, or even something about the grammar. It's been awhile since I've studied Spanish. I really miss it. But I know that it's still with me. Every time I see a Spanish word or name, I remember how to pronounce it and I might even remember what it means.

It would be even better if I had friends who spoke Spanish or if I could go to Spain or some Spanish-speaking country for a bit. Oh wait...I have a neighbor who is Spanish. Of course! I'm a bit shy, but I'm sure she'd love to talk with me sometime. But first, I need to do some independent learning. First things first.

In other news, things are going well with the tutoring thing. I see my student tomorrow. Yay! I look forward to it. It's fun!

Also, I have to go to a job fair. Well, I don't have to go but I should. I want to see what companies show up and what they have to offer. And I like to see what kinds of stuff they're giving out. Sometimes the gadgets are cool. Lol.

Farewell to Natasha Richardson

2009-03-18T23:39:00.001-04:00

I was saddened to read about it on yahoo. I happened to see the headline and then I clicked to read about it. And just yesterday I watched her in the movie "Evening." "Evening" is a good movie, by the way. In the movie, she plays the oldest daughter of a dying old woman who is remembering the past of regret and sadness. And before she dies, she is finally able to forgive herself and let go.

Richardson had hit her head during a beginner skiing lesson. She felt fine, but then hours later she didn't feel well so she was sent to the hospital. She wasn't even 60.

I remember watching her in "A Handmaid's Tale." She was quite young and lively back then. Before the accident, I imagine she was in good health. It is sad to see people go before their time. I pray that Liam Neeson, Vanessa Redgrave, Lynn Redgrave, and the rest of her family can get through their grief and be stronger for it.

Here's a song that I'll dedicate to them:

A new beginning...

2009-03-16T20:25:00.001-04:00

Last Thursday, I met with a Thai woman at my town's adult learning center. I will be her new tutor. She is already taking English classes at the center. Now, I will be giving her one-on-one help with her basic reading skills. I will meet with her twice a week. I'm nervous and excited about it. I will meet with her again tomorrow. I have come up with an itinerary. But it's too early for me to know how to teach her. She seems to be doing well in terms of her understanding. It's just the beginning though. I hope to continue helping her for up to a year. It'll be rewarding to see her progress over a matter of months. I have already started a log as of last night. I just write down how I think she did and what we went over.

I am enjoying my first day of Spring break. It feels great. I feel more relaxed and I feel happier. I still have assignments and I want to get started on a research paper (due in May), but now I can sort of take my time and not feel very rushed. I am going to borrow a couple library books, read a little, and then decide how to go from there...what topic I want to learn and write about. I went to the mall with my mother and I got a cute, dark green, teal dress. I like how the hem stops a little above my knees and how the dress is tight under my chest but then it hangs loose and flowy. I wonder when I'll get a chance to wear it.

I hope to be back here soon.

Thinking, as always...

2009-02-26T22:50:00.000-05:00

When am I not thinking about something? Haha. Sometimes it's frustrating. A person could go nuts from thinking all the time, right? I've been busy and preoccupied with stuff. I worry about what I'll do after I graduate, what I'll do with my life, and so on. Well, at least I know that I'll take a year off from school to prep for the GREs. Though, I'm not sure about the program, Linguistics, Justice Studies, or Political Science? For now, my primary concern is financial aid. So, I need to score high and try to add a little experience to my resume. I have a little time, just got to make the most of it.

I'm also thinking of how I don't like oral presentations. I'm taking a Justice Studies seminar and every so often, we have to present. Last time, I was so nervous and I felt like I was out of it. Next week, I will meet with the professor about it. We should come up with a solution. He seems willing to help, we'll see. The course traces American law back to its founding. My next presentation is based on the words of Paine and Jefferson. I have to read several excerpts from key documents they wrote. I just need to take out quotations and then explain them. I'm not sure how many quotations to take out, maybe 5 is enough. And then, I have to present and write 5 pages on the Articles of Confederation and compare it to the government we have now. Everyone else is just writing evaluations of the Federalist papers or the Anti-federalist papers. Maybe he's giving me more work so I can redeem myself for the not-so-good presentation last week. I'll try not to complain. I'm hoping that I can bring up my grade.

My other class this semester in Canadian Politics and Government. I like it. I like that the texts are written by Canadian professors and that we get to watch documentaries on Canada. I never realized till now how much Canada is European in nature, British to be more specific. Most Americans think that Canada is becoming more Americanized or they just hate Canada. I always wondered about why Americans hate Canada and make fun of Canadians. I think that by the end of this course, I'll understand and I may even like Canada. Though I'm not sure I'd want to live there. I can't stand the cold...and I live in New England. Hahaha.

Well, that's my update. I hope to stop by again soon.

New Year, new president, new attitude on life

2009-01-24T19:44:00.000-05:00

Hey again. It's been a long time since I've been here. I've been busy with life. My New Year's Day was good. I had a quiet, relaxing vacation. The highlight of this year so far is the inauguration of the first black president in the U.S., Barack Obama. I was so thrilled when he won the 2008 Presidential Election. Big smile and a Yes! to that. And since the inauguration, I've been feeling better and I have resolved to change my attitude on life. I will be happy and content like I once was. Say good-bye to depression. I've started reading Feeling Good: The New Mood Therapy by David D. Burns this evening. He says that depression is not a mental disorder. He says that people feel sad because of their distorted, negative thoughts. He has a point, but this point doesn't address the chemical imbalance aspect of depression, but I digress. Anyway, so through cognitive therapy, which his book is about, people can and do feel happier. He wrote that within 12 weeks, there was a noted difference in people's mental state. How does he measure mental state? With a test called the Beck Depression Inventory. It has 21 questions and for each question, there are 4 options. Each option has a value ranging from 0-3. My score was a 20, which put me in the category of Borderline Clinical Depression. It is serious, but not as bad as moderate, severe, or extreme depression, the categories above the category I fit in right now. Ideally, my score should be a 10 or below 5. But if I keep reading and learn the therapy, I should be able to see improvement. I got to stick with it, just like how an athlete should keep training so that they will perform well during competition. My competition will be how I hold up through life's many situations.

Last year of college

2008-11-01T23:33:00.000-04:00

I'm now in my last year of college. I'm finishing up with my requirements and I hope that things will go smoothly. I have been so busy and stressed out lately. I just got to keep thinking that whatever comes my way, I can deal with it.

I'm trying to remember how I felt before I started college. I'm trying to go back to reading the novels I love and I started watching old movies. College has kept me so busy and it has exhausted me. I find my classes interesting, but a lot of times I feel like I'm not learning as much as I expected...like it's not enough. It is true that the more you know, the less optimistic you become. But, if you try hard not to let it bother you, you can be the better for it. You can still be optimistic. Dreams are dreamed up and some will crumble, but others can be made to replace the old ones. We're always dreaming and coming up with new ways to describe our lives and ourselves. Such is life.

Another year has gone by

2007-09-08T23:29:00.000-04:00

A lot can happen in a one year's time. I am now in my third year of college, and it is now a year since I set up this account. I realize this as I have thought about this lifeguard who I have seen at the pool for a few years. Recently, I have noticed that he looks so different from when I first met him. Before, he looked mellow, calm, easygoing. But now, he looks more serious, focused, and a little mean. Despite these changes in appearance, he is still attractive. I am sure I have changed, but I do not feel it. At times, I feel like I am torn between my past and my future. There is some safety and comfort in the past, but I need to break free of some of those bonds. That is one of my priorities right now, besides studying, and preparing for the future.

Is not it disheartening to watch the news everyday? Most news is about bad news. So why do I bother? Curiosity. As years pass, I find that my curiosity about the world increases, as does my ambition. I think that I can expect to calm down, by the time I am old. (How old is old? I have no idea. It could be 25, 30, 40, etc.) Of course, nobody wants to be accused of being ill informed. I have been reading this book for awhile, "Running Alone" by James MacGregor Burns. It is quite interesting. (I am rather surprised that it caught my interest, since fiction has been a longtime fascination for me.) He discusses the presidents and how they split from their party to make unpopular decisions, starting from JFK to Bush II. I have not quite finished it, but almost. He brought up an interesting point. People are not as interested in Politics as they were before. It is because they feel that the government does not care. Congress debates and debates some more, but not much gets accomplished. And is not it irritating to hear that they passed NON-BINDING resolutions? If they are not binding, then what is the point? "Yeah, here is a recommendation. But we do not expect you to follow it." Also, the candidates do not have clear platforms. None have taken a firm, decisive stand on what they want to achieve. People want to hear something definitive, not a bunch of wishy-washy rhetoric. It is not an asset to Politics, all the corruption and lobbying that goes on.

A true representative democracy will be one where it does not matter if you own property or if you can raise a whole lot of money. It will be one where the most intelligent and most qualified people get the chance to serve the public. This may be a pipe dream, but this country was made by dreamers. They dreamed and struggled, so that we could live in this land. Richard Rorty said that he saw the decay of liberalism. He was criticized for being too harsh about America. But he said that he loved America as much as Whitman. I believe that. This is a great country. But it is the people in control, who are making it look like a mess. It is like a beautiful Ferrari, but driven by an erratic driver. Will we learn? Here is to hoping.

Cheers.

Back in Action

2007-03-19T11:35:00.000-04:00

I'm back on campus after a restful break. I was a few minutes late to my first class, but not that late. I nearly slipped and fell on the ice on the sidewalk, but I was able to stabilize myself with my right foot. I got an awkward front stretch in my left thigh, but it's not too bad. I need a deep stretch and then it'll be fine. It's good that I work out. I got to be aware of myself and be able to react quickly. Since working out for a few years, I'm always amazed at how fast I'm able to react. I didn't have breakfast at the time, but I was still fairly alert and able to keep myself from falling. A guy was going in the opposite direction and he looked down, but I saw a big grin on his face. I wasn't mad just relieved and amused that he found it funny. Some chunks of ice cracked and went rolling towards him and stopped short a few inches in front of him. What a way to start the day, eh? Haha. I feel grateful that I didn't fall.

Luz

Last week before finals

2006-12-06T11:35:00.000-05:00

I've been very busy. I'm working on two papers and I hope to finish one of them today. I've been reading Portrait of the Artist as a Young Man and then some essays about it. I found it a bit troubling that Stephen could have an oedipal complex. It seems to make sense, though. He fantasizes about Ellen, Eileen and even about girls he sees on the street. He's like a depraved soul looking for love. He hardly knows his father and he only mentions his father in the beginning. Towards the end, like Oedipus, he flees. Oedipus flees from Thebes and his life in the palace. Stephen flees from politics, from the church, from what his mother expects of him. He won't go to Easter communion, no matter what. He says he's afraid of the bread-not itself but what it stands for. He doesn't want to be a priest to a religion that enslaves and condemns. He thinks it's like being a prisoner. Like the mythical figure Daedalus, he can "fly" away from his prison. He has found his freedom at the end.

I think it's a great book now that I've reflected on it and read it all. At first, it didn't make much sense, but as I read on it started to get more interesting and more intricate. I felt like I could relate to Stephen. I could relate to his feeling of wanting to escape and wanting freedom to be who he wants to be and live how he wants to live.

Hey

2006-11-11T23:59:00.000-05:00

I haven't been here in awhile. I couldn't post text. Been busy. Hope to come back soon.

Luz

The Power of Positive Thinking

2006-08-01T15:27:00.000-04:00

Optimism

2006-08-01T10:35:00.000-04:00